Archive | 2:47 pm

Rub a Dub Dub: My Thighs Are Full of Blub(ber)

10 Jul

I’m not a big girl by any stretch of the imagination.  Sure, I probably carry about 15-20 more pounds than I need to and I have an extra roll of fat here and there.  But I doubt anyone passing me would stare at me and think I belonged locked in my bedroom surrounded by empty pizza boxes, covered with a dirty bed sheet, just waiting until I had a heart attack and then the paramedics had to cut a hole in the side of the house and transport me by flat bed truck.  I’m not THAT bad!

There is, however, one MAJOR thing I hate about being chubby in the summer time.  I fucking hate it when I wear a dress, and then my thighs begin to sweat and start rubbing up on one another.  Ugh, worst feeling EVER!  Especially when chafing starts happening and then your skin starts to burn.  VERY unpleasant feeling.  AWFUL in fact.  Terrible.  Horrible.  And also, yucky.  Plus then you have to do that whole “I have to unstick my legs from one another so I’m going to take a giant wide step to the right or left” and then you end up waddling down the street.  That’s when you begin to look like you pooped your pants or something.

On days like today there’s only one thing left to do: stay inside where there’s plenty of air conditioning.

There are many times in my life I’m thankful I’m not a dude – and at times like these I give extra thanks.  I can’t imagine how awful it would be to add a sweaty nut sack to the equation.  Fuck that noise right there.  As a chick, it’s strange to think of something down there constantly hanging outside of your body and potentially sticking to your inner thigh.  Add chafing to that and you have an equation that I don’t want to know the answer to.  No thank you, I totally pass.