Archive | July, 2011

Imma Vote “Yes” On That

28 Jul

Amidst the aftermath of the Norway shooting and the talks about the U.S. debt negotiations, CNN has the time to publish some pretty spectacular articles.  Are they related to a Nation of mourning and how crazy Andre Breivik (Norway shooter) is?  No.  Perhaps something involving the hacking scandal in the UK that’s threatening to take down the empire built by Rupert Murdoch?  Nope.  Maybe the freaking out U.S. citizens are doing since the government can’t come to a consensus on how to handle the dept crisis?  Uh uh.  Not even Amy Winehouse and what the cause of her untimely death was.

Instead, CNN is focusing on this .

So, let’s talk about it: casual sex, is it really worth it?  My answer: yes.  But only if the persons you’re doing it with is hot and they’re skilled in the sack.  Otherwise it’s like eating a cold slice of cheese pizza with a stale crust: total waste of time.  And something you’ll ask yourself, “why am I doing this” while you’re eating the pizza.

Make Mine a Double

20 Jul

I’ve spent an increased amount of time with Lucy(fer) and Damien since my bro-in-law had his heart attack a month ago.  Sure there are some good times, and then there are the times I’ve wanted to cover their screaming little faces with a pillow and press down until the crying stops.  I’ve resisted.

In the time I’ve spent with them, I’ve come to realize what the worst thing is.  It’s not the 20 minute tantrums over the dog’s age.  Nor is it the screaming when someone’s stupid little farm on their iPod touch has more diamonds than the other.  It’s not waking up at ungodly hours, or dealing with fits when it’s time for bed at night time.  It’s not even doing mass loads of laundry or cleaning up after them.  For awhile I thought the worst possible thing was having to change the sheets on a bunk bed.  That shit sucks.  Of all it sucks.

On our trip to the Vineyard, I’ve finally discovered the worst part of watching children: wiping a 4 year old’s ass with single ply toilet paper.

Just the Tip Tuesday (07/19/11)

19 Jul

My idea of a shitty night is going out dancing.  I fucking hate it.  A lot.  I LOVE to watch other people dance, however, when it actually comes to moving my body, I’d rather sit at the table with my drink.  Just punch me in the mouth and leave me at home, I’d take that over dancing any night of the week.

For my birthday last year we ended up at Woody’s (which is a gay bar/club) in Philly.  Super sweet place.  I was perfectly content sitting around watching the scantily clad male dancers fawning all over this Jabba the Hut looking dude who was just throwing money at them.  It was awesome!  Jersey Belle, Oingo Boingo, and Boom Boom were having a blast jiggling their bits on the dance floor while Depeche Mode and I judged the people.  It was fun!  Best part?  I didn’t leave my bar stool until it was time to leave.

What does this have to do with JTT, you ask.  Easy, as I said, I enjoy watching other people dance.  Especially some dudes, the straight ones – if they’re good and they’re not sashaying up and down the stage.  And this, my people, is why I choose Twitch from So You Think You Can Dance for this week’s JTT.

If he’s got moves like that on the dance floor, just imagine what he’d be like in the sack.

They Need to Invent Bleach for Your Brain

17 Jul

I saw a sight today I will never forget.  One which will cause me terror filled dreams.  I will wake, sweating, and shaking from fear.  Horrible, awful sight.  Something NO PERSON should ever see.  Not ever!

I’m thinking dismembered bodies would be easier to get over.

The image?  Camel toe…on my mother…while we were at the beach.

Fucking disgusting!

I just vomited in my mouth.

Traffic Bites

16 Jul

This morning finds me dragging in Mystic, CT.  I had to share a bed my Lucy(fer), who-at 4-kicks a lot.  It came to me in the middle of the night that if I put some pillows between us she’ll kick the pillows and not me.  Success!  Unfortunately, that didn’t stop her from hogging the blankets.  At about 3:15 this morning I thought about pushing her out of bed.  Is that wrong?  My guess is I got about three hours of sleep.  And we still have a few hours to go before we land in Martha’s Vineyard.

Without traffic, Mystic is about four hours away.  With the traffic we hit yesterday, it took us ten fucking hours to get here.  Do you have any idea what it’s like to be trapped in a car with a six and four year old in a traffic jam?  Imagine having the first layer of skin pulled off of your eyeball and then having a gallon of lemon juice poured into it while you’re being anally fisted AND kicked in the groin at the same time.  Only worse.

I can only imagine what the car trip the rest of the way will be like.

God help us all.

Swoon Lake

13 Jul

You know what I love?  Green eyes with a set of dimples.  Oh how dreamy that combination can be.  It’ll make a girl’s heart skip a beat and knees start to buckle.

Guess what, boys and girls?  I have a new secret boyfriend!!  Yes, it’s true!  Yet another boyfriend who is so secret he doesn’t even know about it.  And guess what else?  He happens to have green eyes and dimples.  Shocking, I know.  You probably thought the starting of this post was completely unrelated to my confession about my new secret boyfriend.  You were totally wrong.

Yeah, so I work with this green eyed dreamboat and we’ve been working on a project together for the last few months.  I’m pretending we’re courting.  It was pretty sweet a few weeks back when we were sent into downtown Philadelphia together for a meeting.  Even MORE awesome when we got stuck in traffic.  Swear to christ it’s one of the only times in my life I prayed for an 8 hour traffic jam.  Oh how we bonded!!  We have SO much in common.  Namely our love of breakfast sandwiches and our love for booze.

We were totally meant to be.

But we know life would be too marvelous if there wasn’t something standing in our way.  Oh no, that would just be way too boring.  Of course he’s totally married.

She’s totally cute too.  And skinny.  And young.

I hate her.

Just the Tip Tuesday (07/12/11)

12 Jul

Admit you thought another Tuesday would pass without a JTT.  Go ahead, you can admit it.  It won’t hurt my feelings.  It really won’t.  Once you admit it to yourself, you can continue…Ready?  Are we done? You sure?  Because I don’t want to move on until you’re ready.  Please don’t feel obligated to just keep on reading right away.  Take a break if you need to.  Maybe go grab yourself a drink of water.  Or take some deep breaths and get yourself together.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

Shall we?

Yes, let’s…

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The Stupid Things We Do To Have TV

11 Jul

Comcast is the Cancer of all cable companies.  They’re the freaking WORST!  Their customer service is beyond horrible.  In fact, I think if Hitler and the Devil himself opened up a cable company it would be better than Comcast.  Being anally fisted by the Hulk is probably less painful than having to deal with those Comcast jokers.  Fuck them in their stupid assholes.

I’m sure you’re shocked to read I’m planning on switching cable companies.  That’s right, I’m going with FIOS.  Originally I was all fired up about telling Comcast to stick it.  I daydreamed about what I would say when I took back the cable box to Comcast and told them to terminate my service.  Would I pitch a fit ala Jerry Maguire?  Or perhaps come up with a witty one liner just as I walked out the door?  So many options!!

Picking a fucking cable company is like dumping one asshole to go out with another.  At first you think there’s hope because the new guy seems so nice, and then you realize that he’s just as big a dick as the first guy.

The install appointment has been rescheduled twice.  The first time was when my bro-in-law had a heart attack and I had to go out of town to watch Damien and Lucy(fer) for the week.  The last time was because their tech had “left unexpectedly” and there was no one else available to come out.  Mind you, they waited until 2:00 in the afternoon to call me and tell me that bullshit.  So I took to twitter and bitched and moaned and they told me I’d be the first person on Monday.  Of course they make you block off 8:00 to fucking 5:00 for the install.  My guess is they need that time because the tech can’t bother to show up on time.

It’s now a little after 9:00 and there is no sign of the god damned technician.  This doesn’t bode well for those fuckers.

Look, I don’t like going to work on time either.  Typically I’m 10-15 minutes late on a daily basis.  But an hour?  I’d get my ass handed to me for that bullshit.  So these guys are lollygagging about and I’m sitting on my duff waiting around.

Half an hour ago I emailed the Twitter dude who helped me out on Friday.  He said he’d look into it.  Guess what?  No word.  NOT ONE!  I’m pretty sure he’s sitting in front of the computer surfing for porn or napping.  God damn it.  GOD DAMN IT!