Archive | June, 2011

An Important Question for All Humanity

25 Jun

Why in God’s name is there no wine or cheap alcohol in my sister’s house?  How can one be expected to take care of small children if there’s no booze around?  I’m not going to have the patience to deal with them if I don’t deaden my nerves with at least one cocktail.  One VERY strong cocktail.

Little bastards are running me ragged.

Won’t someone take pity on me and bring me a frozen drink with a little umbrella in it?

Naughty No-No’s

22 Jun

We’re four days into my watching Damien and Lucy(fer) and I’ve already become one of those mommy bloggers.  I’m not even a mother for Lord’s sake!!

First, the update on the BIL: he’s doing much better.  Looks like he’ll be home in the next few days.

Second, my niece is going to be a hooker when she grows up.  She has this thing about showing where naughty bits when she’s in the bath.  I’m talking throwing her legs wide open.  If she were 18, Penthouse would be thrilled to have her.  But she’s 4 and this is going to leave me with scars for the rest of my life.  It’s horrifying.  HORRIFYING!

During bath time today and on Monday she was starting to get really intimate with the water running out of the faucet.  I asked her what she was doing, and she told me she was cleaning her “cha china”.  Look, I’m a chick.  I know what water from the faucet can do for you.  In fact, all women know.  And if they say they don’t, they are lying through their teeth.

I remember my grandmother yelling at me when I was little to keep my hands on top of the covers.  I can’t believe I ever did anything like this, but I must have if she was yelling that shit at me.  Now I’m the one sternly reminding her that her private parts are for private time only, and that she shouldn’t be showing them to the free world.  I draw the line at informing her that if someone wants to see them, they should buy you a drink or two first.

God freaking save me.

I Have a New Found Love for Birth Control

21 Jun

For the last two years my mom has been on me to think about having kids on my own.  She spins an excellent argument, and I seriously considered it…right up until this week.  Taking care of Damien and Lucy(fer) on my own has given me a new appreciate for motherhood – especially for single motherhood.  I have to give MAD props to all the single moms out there.  Lord only knows how you fucking do it.  Especially the women that have full time jobs too.  God bless you.

For the most part, they’ve been pretty good.  There were several meltdowns yesterday, none of which were mine, and there was a moment when I seriously considered leaving them on the side of 95 North.  I did even offer to sell them at a low rate to some dude working at a 7-11.  No go.  But I still have a hard time managing to take care of them and myself at the same time.  They had 3 square meals, took their baths, went to the playground, and even made it to bed on time.

As for me?  Not so much.  No time for a shower, and zero square meals.  Breakfast found me nibbling on Lucy(fer)’s half eaten toast.  At lunch time both the kids ate my chicken nuggets so I was reduced to eating part of Lucy(fer)’s cold hamburger.  Dinner was a buttered tortilla that Damien decided he didn’t want.  It was cold by the time I got my hands on it.  And I realized the only thing I had to drink yesterday was a medium coke at lunch time.

Done a little better today.  I’ve had 2 cups of coffee…but haven’t eaten yet.  The kids finished all the bread for sandwiches so I’m going to have to scrounge in the fridge for something.

Laundry is getting done, floors have been vacuumed, but no one is dressed yet.

And I still haven’t taken a shower…

20 Jun

This weekend my mom, sister, Damien, and Lucy(fer) came up to spend the weekend with me in Philadelphia.  I plied the kids with sugar, made them run around like crazy, and let them stay up.  As payback they got up at 6:00 on Saturday morning.  Little bastards. It was all well and good until 4:30 Sunday morning when Un-boyfriend called my sister with some scary news: my brother-in-law was having a heart attach and was at the hospital.  The damage is pretty extensive, and the doctor’s have said the next few days are critical.  He’s 34.

My mother and sister left at 5:00 am to drive to Virginia to be with him – leaving me alone with the kids.  They know daddy is sick and mommy went to go take care of him, but we’re not telling them anything else.  For now they’re under the impression that the three of us are on a little mini vacation together.

Unfortunately they missed the part about how you’re supposed to sleep in on vacation.  They get the whole staying up late, but my niece was up by 6:30 this morning.  I had to get up earlier than if I would have gone to work.  Ugh.