Archive | May, 2011

An Important Question for All Humanity

26 May

I’m going to pose a little something-something that is going to blow your brain.  I mean BLOW it!  But not in the way that Foxy Luv blows at the bus stations on the weekends and every other Thursday.


Here goes…

Have you ever thought about blackberries and blueberries?  I mean really thought about them.  Blueberries and blackberries are both purple.  Yet we say one is blue and the other is black.  What the hell is that about?  And why aren’t other berries named for a color they have nothing to do with?

These are the random thoughts I have when I’m driving to work at ungodly hours…

Just the Tip Tuesday (05/24/2011)

24 May

I’ve resisted for as long as I can.  For years.  YEARS I said no to him.  Everyone would swoon when he was on TV or the radio, and I was like, “whatever, he’s not that cute.  And his hair sucks.”  Years ago when Claude and I used to work together he used to take hip hop dance lessons.  Let that sink in for a second.

Hip hop dance lessons.

Every once in awhile he would do some performances in the parking lot for me.  Those were good times.  I clearly remember that he did some routine to one of his songs.  Can’t remember which one it was, but I remember thinking the song sucked.  Man did I hate “Rock Your Body”.  The song, the video, all of it.  Sucked balls…and not in a good way.  Then when “Sexy Back” came out all I wanted to do was vomit all over the place.  Hated it.

And then they started releasing some of his other tunes from that CD.  And I bought it.  And I liked it.  Then I happened to catch him hosting the ESPYs a few years ago and thought to myself, “You know what?  He’s funny.”  Because you know why?  He is.

Here I am catching up on the SNL season finale and I can no longer deny it: Justin Timberlake is a stone cold fox.

He’s funny, his body is hot, he can sing, he can act, and even though his hair looks like a brillo pad, I would totally mount him.  SNL was laugh out loud funny.  Sure, maybe the vicodin helped, but I want to say that it was just the brilliance of Justin Timberlake.  This is what finally sealed the deal for me.

Falling in Love Again

21 May

This episode of South Park made me fall in love all over again.

Make sure you watch all the way through because his final rent is appropriate for today’s Rapture.

Goodbye Forever! (or at least until some point tomorrow)

20 May

So according to some people (or “idiots” as I like to call them) the world is going to end on Saturday.  Judging from the shit ass weather we’ve had this week, it’s possible the sun is dead and we’re on the cusp of the apocalypse.  In all likelihood, however, there are going to be a lot of jack asses feeling incredibly stupid tomorrow.  Like the dude who lives in NYC who spent his life savings on ads announcing the Rapture.  What’s he going to do when he wakes up on Sunday and realizes he has to pay his rent on June 1st?  Not smart, dude.  Not smart.

For a moment, let us pretend tomorrow really marks the end of days.  This is it, we’re all going to die and be sent off to heaven or hell or whatever people believe.  How would you spend your last night?

For me, I would spend it drinking milkshakes and champagne (though not together), eating fried foods, and with Ryan Reynolds arms wrapped around me.  Let’s just be clear on one thing – there wouldn’t be a shirt in sight.  We would die knowing he’d be shirtless for all eternity.  And you know what?  That’s okay with me.

The advantage of the world ending is I’d never ever have to listen to another NPR pledge drive, sit in traffic, or listening to someone talk about American Idol.  Guess there are some good things about this so-called wrath of God.

Klass Act: On the Road

15 May

On Saturday I traveled up to New York City with a few of my girlfriends.  Nothing says, “klassy” like being drunk by 11:30.  We are awesome.  Far more awesome, I should add, than the bathroom at the Macy’s in Hearald Square.  Good lord almighty, is that place a shithole.  Literally.  Walking in there was like walking into a sauna – that smelled like baby powder.  And poop.  Let me tell you something, the last thing a girl wants when she gets off a freaking New Jersey Transit train is to be in a powdery-poop smelling sauna.  No good.

The best part, by far, was when the five of us had a drunk lunch at Tom Colicchio’s (from “Top Chef”) Craftbar.  We easily spent 20 minutes discussing the merits of Tom Colicchio’s balls.  His risotto balls.  Foxy Luv went so far as to offer our waiter to go into the kitchen and thank “Mr. Colicchio” (as she called him) for his “moist and delicious balls.”  The waiter was not amused.  Though Foxy threatened to flip the table a la Real Housewives of New Jersey style, we were able to calm her down with promises of another drinks.

I too did my part in keeping it klassy.  Sure, I may not have shouted about balls and offered Tom Colicchio a ball rub, but I did manage to steal two little signs for the handicap bathroom.  Yeah, that’s right.  I said it.  Because you just never know when you’re going to need a “no smoking” or “employees must wash hands” sign for your guests.


12 May

You know what’s awesome?  Going out to happy hour?  I really enjoy that.  WE have a little something at work where we have arranged to go out our the first thursday of every mnth.  Or is it the second?  I guess it’s the second.  Super fun.  WE go.  We enjoy some beers.  There are some foods we enjoy.  And there are laughs a ndy bear.

Tonight my new secrety boyfriend went out.  THe one with the dreamy blue eyes.  Guess what?  He bought me two bears.  Know why?  BEucase I am drun  and becaksue he wants me.  Yeah, ht’s true.  He told me with his dreamy blue eyes.  the ones tha tbelong to his wife.  She a whore.

Also, my boss went out.  And my firend was ther ethat tackled about rubbing his bare knuckles on vaginas.  IN frong of my boss.  I might get fired.  But that’s okay because I went to the Wawa and they have milkshakes.  I love milkshakes.  Especially when I have one after the beer.  So good.

I’m going to sleep now.

Bye to you!

Just the Tip Tuesday (05/10/11)

10 May

There are some men in this world who are meant to never wear shirts.  Men like Ryan Reynolds, Bradley Cooper, and Chris Evans should walk around with bare torsos.  Always.  And forever.  It’s a crime for cloth to touch their bare chests.  Unless that cloth is actually on my person and the only thing between skin-to-skin contact.  A girl can dream.

It’s nice to come across another actor (or piece of meat, if you prefer) who also belongs in such a category.  Ladies (and boys who like boys), have you seen the shirtless pictures of Chris Hemsworth?  Good Lord almighty!  Does that boy have a hawt body.  HAWT!!

You can catch him and his bare torso all over the big screen in theaters now.  Chris landed himself the lead role in “Thor.”  Oh, and guess what else?  The movie is in 3D.  That means his pecs might jump right out of the screen and land right in the palm of your dirty little palms.

Mmm…so good.

Chocolatey Goodness

9 May

Know what’s awesome and delicious? Dark chocolate covered pretzels. They’re so damn good I may or may not have eaten a bag of them today. Then again, maybe I only ate one. Stop judging me.

Know what’s not awesome? Dropping bits of chocolate on your dress and then running off to a client meeting. It looks like I have poop smeared all over the front if my white dress. I’m sure I left a lasting impression during my meeting. God damn it.

At least I didn’t sit on it.