It’s been almost a year since I packed up and moved from Baltimore to Philly. So far, so good – oh, aside from that whole no-man-to-be-found thing. That part sucks. But it’s not like I was surrounded by men when I was in Baltimore. At least I can enjoy some new sights here and I have a bevy of new restaurants to choose from. That’s awesome, right?
Here’s the problem: since there are no men to be found I go out to eat, and that makes me fat, and that makes me undesirable to the opposite sex and that makes the men stay away from me, so instead I eat. It’s hard to get catch a man’s eye when he’s too busy staring at your fat gut. Trust me, I know this from experience.
I have to admit I didn’t feel quite as lousy as I did this afternoon when I was sitting on my mom’s couch. I showed her a picture of me from October and this is the conversation which ensued:
- Mom: When was this picture taken?
- Me: In October, around Halloween.
- Mom: Hmm.
- Me: What?
- Mom: Nothing. It’s just that you were very skinny then.
- Me: No I wasn’t. It’s not like I’ve gained that much weight.
- Mom: Yes you have.
- Me: Excuse me?
- Mom: You’ve gained a lot of weight since this picture was taken. How much? Like 20 pounds?
- Me: WHAT?
- Mom: Why are you gaining so much weight?
- Me. Mom!
- Mom: You’re never going to find a man if you keep gaining weight.
So thanks, mom, for that wonderful vote of confidence.