Archive | 10:04 pm

Sometimes Moms Suck

24 Apr

It’s been almost a year since I packed up and moved from Baltimore to Philly.  So far, so good – oh, aside from that whole no-man-to-be-found thing.  That part sucks.  But it’s not like I was surrounded by men when I was in Baltimore.  At least I can enjoy some new sights here and I have a bevy of new restaurants to choose from.  That’s awesome, right?

Here’s the problem: since there are no men to be found I go out to eat, and that makes me fat, and that makes me undesirable to the opposite sex and that makes the men stay away from me, so instead I eat.  It’s hard to get catch a man’s eye when he’s too busy staring at your fat gut.  Trust me, I know this from experience.

I have to admit I didn’t feel quite as lousy as I did this afternoon when I was sitting on my mom’s couch.  I showed her a picture of me from October and this is the conversation which ensued:

  • Mom: When was this picture taken?
  • Me: In October, around Halloween.
  • Mom: Hmm.
  • Me:  What?
  • Mom: Nothing.  It’s just that you were very skinny then.
  • Me: No I wasn’t.  It’s not like I’ve gained that much weight.
  • Mom: Yes you have.
  • Me: Excuse me?
  • Mom: You’ve gained a lot of weight since this picture was taken.  How much?  Like 20 pounds?
  • Me:  WHAT?
  • Mom: Why are you gaining so much weight?
  • Me.  Mom!
  • Mom: You’re never going to find a man if you keep gaining weight.

So thanks, mom, for that wonderful vote of confidence.