Archive | April, 2011

A Scene from the Inside of Your Vageen

28 Apr

I don’t even know how to describe this:

Some people clearly had too much time on their hands.  I can’t think of a day in my life when I would have been able to

  1. Come up with this idea
  2. Write the lyrics
  3. Rope friends into participating
  4. Shoot video

I feel much better about myself now.

Girl vs. Gluttony

27 Apr

Go ahead and admit it, girls: we’ve all eaten our feelings at one point or another.  You too, guys, admit it.  Sometimes there’s nothing a pint of ice cream or a big fat slice of chocolate cake can’t fix.  Sure, afterward we tend to feel like shit – but for those few moments we’re silently weeping into the pint of Chubby Hubby, it feels so right.

Yes, it’s true, I’ve probably gained about 10 pounds from feelings, but, whatever, it happens.  Just as surely as I pack it on, I drop it too.  It just requires getting my ass off the couch and doing something about it.

Tonight I chose to skip the gym and watch “Man vs. Food.”  Good show.  Great show.  As I was sitting here watching Adam Richman hang out in Knoxville where he chowed down on 1/2 pound of mac n cheese, 1/2 pound of banana pudding, and a four pound burrito.  The burrito had two pounds of pork, almost a pound of cheese, and a pound of beans.  As I was watching him wipe the sweat off his brow while he hit a food wall, something occurred to me: dude has a lot of feelings.  You know, he probably has an eating disorder.  For really reals, not funnies right now.  Do you have any idea what eating like that is doing to his body?  Imagine how his stomach must feel like after he chows down on grilled cheese sandwich with two pounds of cheese.  That’s not healthy, people.

Then my mind turned to something else: I would HATE to walk into the bathroom after he’s done taking it out on the toilet.  Jesus Christ, can you imagine the state of his poop?  Gross.

Just talked myself out of having anything chocolate for dessert.

Gross, Adam Richman!!  Your poop is gross!!

It’s Not So Bad

26 Apr

Next time you think you’re having a bad day at work, just remind yourself you’re not a drug addicted porn star getting nailed by three guys at the same time and then guzzling the jizz of 12 guys from a funnel.

That should help you put things in perspective.

Just the Tip Tuesday (04/26/11)

26 Apr

Wow.  End of April already?  How did that happen?  Where has this year gone?

Yeah, yeah.  I know, I know I’ve robbed you of your JTT for the last few weeks.  I know this because my Twitter BFF, Sarah, keeps reminding me.  Every GD Tuesday it’s the same thing.

  • Sarah: Where’s JTT?
  • Me: I’m busy.
  • Sarah: No you’re not.
  • Me: I’m lazy.
  • Sarah: I hate you.  You’re ruining my life.

So, Sarah, you dirty whore, here’s your god damned JTT.  I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY!!

I might as well tell you I’m completely and totally obsessed with AMC’s The Killing.  I’ve watched the first three episodes five times, the fourth episode four times, and I’m currently watching the fifth episode for the second time.  I can’t control myself.  I’d venture to say I love the show more than I love Peeptinis.  It’s true, the show totally completes me.

Total bonus that it happens to have several dudes who’s laps I’d like to crawl in.  One of those fine gentlemen happens to be Swedish actor, Joel Kinnaman:

He looks kind of dirty and depraved in the show.  But guess what?  Every girl likes a little dirty every once in awhile.


Sometimes Moms Suck

24 Apr

It’s been almost a year since I packed up and moved from Baltimore to Philly.  So far, so good – oh, aside from that whole no-man-to-be-found thing.  That part sucks.  But it’s not like I was surrounded by men when I was in Baltimore.  At least I can enjoy some new sights here and I have a bevy of new restaurants to choose from.  That’s awesome, right?

Here’s the problem: since there are no men to be found I go out to eat, and that makes me fat, and that makes me undesirable to the opposite sex and that makes the men stay away from me, so instead I eat.  It’s hard to get catch a man’s eye when he’s too busy staring at your fat gut.  Trust me, I know this from experience.

I have to admit I didn’t feel quite as lousy as I did this afternoon when I was sitting on my mom’s couch.  I showed her a picture of me from October and this is the conversation which ensued:

  • Mom: When was this picture taken?
  • Me: In October, around Halloween.
  • Mom: Hmm.
  • Me:  What?
  • Mom: Nothing.  It’s just that you were very skinny then.
  • Me: No I wasn’t.  It’s not like I’ve gained that much weight.
  • Mom: Yes you have.
  • Me: Excuse me?
  • Mom: You’ve gained a lot of weight since this picture was taken.  How much?  Like 20 pounds?
  • Me:  WHAT?
  • Mom: Why are you gaining so much weight?
  • Me.  Mom!
  • Mom: You’re never going to find a man if you keep gaining weight.

So thanks, mom, for that wonderful vote of confidence.

Another Fun Tech Adventure with Mom

21 Apr

Those of you who have been reading this blog for some time know how technologically “savvy” (or retarded) my mother is.

Example: This evening I spent over an hour trying to explain to my mother why she couldn’t see something on my Facebook wall.  Have you ever tried to explain the theory of relativity to an infant?  It was about the same thing – only without the drooling or poopy diaper.

Then my mom decides to open up her email.  Progress here because she’s able to do this on her own without a 30 minute lesson on how to log in.  Kind of like when your kids learns how to ride a bike and you can take off the training wheels.  Oh, mom, I’m so proud of you.  She then proceeds to open up her junk mail and read through some of the content.  I see her staring at one email and then she BURSTS out laughing.  I actually think she may have peed herself just a little bit.

I asked her what was so funny and she just points to the screen and keeps on laughing.  I see the email she’s looking at is something about Christian singles meeting up or something stupid like that.  Then she points to the sender, it says it’s from Christian Mingle.  Okay, fine, not sure what the joke is.  Until she explains she thought it was sent by someone who’s name is Christian (first name) Mingle (last name).

Oh, mom.  She’s so cute sometimes.

If you’ll excuse me, I know have to explain to her how a blog post gets added to my Facebook wall.  Lord have mercy.

Curry On

14 Apr

Know what’s awesome?  Indian food after Happy Hour.  Know what sucks?  Having to drive 20 minutes to go pick it up.  Why the hell can’t there be a good curry place near my god damn house.

Burgers?  Yes.  Mussels?  Yes.  Mexican food?  Si.  Sandwiches?  Yes.  Beer?  Hell to the yes?  Margaritas? Ole!  Curry?  Not a god damn chance.

Happy Hour completes me.

Not Your Typical Saturday Breakfast

10 Apr

Saturday morning my friends and I rolled into a seedy ass bar for a special event they were sponsoring: Porn n Pancakes.  Picture this: porn on every single bar TV plus all the pancakes you can eat.  Oh, and let’s not forget the beer – lots and lots of it.  Nothing like watching a little some terrible acting and nubile bodies prouncing around the screen.  They had trivia and giveaways, and yours truly walked away with three movies.  Exciting, I know!  Talk about winning!  This is they type of thing Charlie Sheen could wrap his arms around.

Let’s not forget all the movies they were playing.  There was shark porn (you read that right), amputee porn (awful), regular stuff, and then there was a very disturbing movie about a gangbang.

Everyone chuckled when they threw in a move which happened to have DP (double penetrations for those of you not in the know).  We all squealed in disgust as one dude’s ball sack was hitting the other dude’s while they were nailing the chick at the same time.  There was random commentary during one of the 80’s porns when a dude who looked exactly like Aresenio Hall entered the scene.  Man, those sweater vests were something fierce!

The day was pretty fun up until the gangbang movie was put on.  Swear to god it gave me nightmares last night.  The premise was these two young women get a flat tire and go to a mechanic’s shop to get it fixed.  You’ll be shocked to hear they didn’t have any money so they worked out another way to pay.  Suddenly about 12 dudes roll in and mayhem ensues.  It was gross.  I started wondering who these poor girls were and what on earth must have happened in their lives to lead them to that moment.  I don’t care what anyone says, there isn’t a single sane person in this world who would WANT to have two dicks in her vag, one in her ass, and one in her mouth at the same time.

Then, of course, the culmination of the scene was when all the dudes started letting loose on their faces.  Disgusting.  Again, the only thing which crossed my mind is how fucking horrible the lives of these two girls had to be.  Can you imagine?? That’s your fucking job.  It’s your job to let people treat you like that.  And for what?  For a bag of meth?  Really?  Drugs are bad and I’m thankful I’ve never done them.  Not ever.

And so I drank.  A lot.  There’s this god awful beer called Damnation and I had about two too many.  Let’s just say that by the time 9:00 last night rolled around I wanted to die.  Worst hangover EVER.  Spent the next 10 hours puking up anything left in my stomach, which included a delicious corndog and a peanut butter sandwich.  Delicious going in, not so good coming out.  That’s what she said.