Archive | 5:55 pm

I’m Not Dead…Yet

25 Mar

**tap tap** Is this thing on?

Last week my mom and I took a trip up to NYC to visit my cousin’s new baby.  We stayed in a ritzy hotel, went out for swanky dinners, and got trapped in my cousin’s luxurious apartment all damn day.  All.  God.  Damned.  Day.  I wouldn’t have minded so much if being locked indoors hadn’t included watching CNN for 10 hours straight and getting stuck with my jack ass uncle.  My jack ass uncle who insists on telling the same “joke” over and over and over again for two days straight.  Hey, guess what?  The joke wasn’t funny the first time.  You can bet your ass it’s not funny the eleven hundredth time either.

And know what else?  He didn’t bother to shower for three days.  Oh and he wore the same shirt for three days.  Why?  Because he’s a jack ass and he’s an old man.

Why do old people like to get so dirty?  When does life get so difficult that the thought of showering just doesn’t seem like a good idea?  I think my favorite part of the whole thing is how he went ahead and pulled the old “Mexican shower” routine.  The man was fucking dripping with cologne.  I hadn’t really noticed it at all until I was holding the baby at one point on Sunday.

I bent over to kiss him on his little baby forehead.  Like a new car, the smell of a fresh new baby is always lovely.  The sweet mix of powder, baby lotion, and a life that knows know heartbreak smells divine.  But when I bent down to kiss this little baby all I could smell was Drakar Noir.  My first thought was, “What the hell are they bathing this baby with?”  Then I remembered my mother had been the one to bathe him the day before.  It was his first bath, and he was 11 days old.  That’s right, 11 days old.  They really are embracing this whole “dirty Mexican” thing.

When I realized the poor kid was covered in my uncle’s dirtyness I did what any other person would have done.  I immediately passed the baby off to someone else and went in search of a mimosa.

Thanks to Kerryn for that kick in the ass I needed to finally post after one million billion trillion years.  Or two weeks.  Whatever.