Archive | 7:38 pm

Anal-ysis

4 Mar

Every morning at work I read various news sites.  Perfect way to pretend like I’m busy, all the while procrastinating.  It’s genius!  You can imagine my surprise when an article about the rise of anal sex appeared in my Google feed.  As intrigued as I was by the article, I refused to click on the link for fear the website police would immediately appear at my desk and I’d be dragged out.  How do you explain that to your mom.

  • Me: Mom, I was fired.
  • Mom: What did you do?
  • Me: I went to a website I wasn’t supposed to go to.
  • Mom: What website was it?
  • Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
  • Mom: I can’t imagine what on earth you could have been looking at at work that would have caused you to lose your job.
  • Me: Let’s not go into it.
  • Mom: Were you looking at pornography, Catherinette?
  • Me: No, mom, I was not.
  • Mom: Were you gambling?
  • Me: No, mom, I don’t do that.
  • Mom: Then what could it have been.
  • Me: It was an article about anal sex.
  • Mom: Why on earth would you look at that at work?  Are you stupid??

Anyway, I immediately pulled up my iphone and pulled up the article.  According to the article, more and more people are including anal sex in their regular sexual activity. No more saving it for birthdays, Easter, and other high holy days.  People are going ALL in.  Apparently, I’m now in the minority of people who choose not to take it in the pooper.

I guess this means I’m frigid.  I’m a frigid old maid.  Maybe I just need to get myself some cats and call it a day.  Or else I have to auction off my ass and maybe donate the money to charity.  What on earth will I do??

Know what else?  Apparently teenagers are doing it too.  My jaw just about hit the floor when I read that part of the all.  What on God’s green earth is a 15 year old doing having anal sex?  Seriously, what’s happened to this world.  When I was 15 I wasn’t even touching peen.  I’ll have you know I waited until I was 17 before going hog wild on a naked man.  17 is much different than 15.  AND I’d like to remind you there were no boys touching my posie at that age.  I waited until I was 21.

So take that, youth of America.

If you want to read the article, you can access it by clicking here.  Enjoy!