Archive | March, 2011

Comcast Rides the Short Bus

31 Mar

There are things in this world which will always remain a mystery to me.  Why some people chew with their mouths open, why some people can’t hold their spoons properly, why dogs like sniffing one another’s butts, why cats are such a-holes, why Oprah is so popular, why that terrible Rebecca Black song is so popular, and why – on God’s green earth – the people at Comcast seem to share a brain cell.

How difficult is it to provide good customer service?  It’s not that freaking difficult.  Trust me, I was on the phone for three years and was perfectly pleasant – even the time some enraged dude called me a “fucking cunt”.  Did I yell at him?  No.  Did I hang up on him?  No I did not.  Did I change my tone and start acting like an uber mega bitch?  I wanted to, but I didn’t.  When he said he wanted to take his money out of Investments r Us did I try to sell him other services?  Hell to the no.  I calmed him down and helped him out.  That’s what good customer service is about.

It’s not the Comcast approach where you put people on the phones who sound like they’d rather be slashing their wrists than help you.  Or teaching them to sell you stupid shit you don’t need when you can’t stand what they offer in the first place.

This afternoon I called them to ask about their pricing vs. FIOS.  I’m paying $15 more per month than what FIOS offers, and I wanted to know why.  They didn’t have a good answer.  I asked how much it would cost to terminate my contract, and her response was she didn’t know because she was in the sales department.  Check this out:

Here’s the transcript from a recent chat I had with them:

  • Comcast: I undersytand you. [Way to not know how to spell.]
  • Comcast: Let me explain you something at this moment since you have a 1 year promotion I am not able to give you another promotion , But However I can give our wonderful Starter Xf triple play for current customer for $ 129.99,
  • Comcast: Is it Ok for you ?
  • Me: No thank you. That’s far more than I’m willing to spend. That’s almost twice what I could get with Verizon. What is the cost if I cancel my service with Comcast?
  • Comcast: Or we have another wonderful Triple play for around $ 159.99 our Preferred Triple play . [Really?  Fucking REALLY?  I just told you a minute ago I wasn’t going to pay you $129.99 so you try to offer me something else for more money?  What the hell is wrong with you??]
  • Comcast: We are sales department If you want to cancel it the service You will need to contact us in our 1-800 XFINITY telephone number. They can give you all the cost about it.
  • Me: Fine. I will call them.
  • Comcast: oK, Thank you for your patience.
  • Me: Bye.
  • Comcast: If you want I can give you all the benefits about our wonderful Starter XF triple play .
  • Comcast: I know you will love it ! [proceeds to rattle on a bunch of stupid shit I don’t need]
  • Comcast: Also you will get wonderful benefits:
  • Me: No thank you. I don’t want to pay that much money when I can get the same thing from FIOS for almost $100 less.
  • Comcast: We will give you a 30-day, money-back guarantee on all our services. If you’re not satisfied and wish to cancel service for any reason, you can do so in the first 30 days and get your money back. Simply return all equipment in good working order and we’ll refund the monthly recurring fee for your first 30 days of service and any charges you paid for standard installation.
  • Comcast: Do you like watching movies and series? I am glad to hear that, please let me tell you that Comcast now has our great, where customers and no customers can have access to thousands of movies. Since you will be a current customer, you will get more access, and who knows you might find a movie that you lost or could not see in the theaters. I hope that you sit and relax after this conversation. Enjoy it !

Here’s my question: does this actually work?  Is there some stupid idiot out there who thinks to himself, “Hmm…I hate Comcast and don’t want to pay more than I’m paying, but let me go ahead and pay more so I get locked into a longer contract with them.”

Stripped Down

30 Mar

Let’s talk about sex, baby.  Let’s talk about why everyone likes getting strippers at bachelor and bachelorette parties.  What’s the allure in having some nasty ask skank or man whore slather their bodies in baby oil and gyrate in your face?  Someone please explain it to me, because I’m dying to know.

Gotta admit, I’ve never attended a bachelorette party where there was a stripper, but I’ve heard stories.  I’ve been to strip clubs – male dancers freak me the fuck out.  Ugh, the thought of where their junk has been makes me want to bleach all my exposed body parts.  Yuck yuck.  And I have heard PLENTY of stories of what really happens at bachelor parties.

Let me tell you something, the bachelor ALWAYS gets a lap dance.  ALWAYS!!  And know what else?  The stripper is gonna get motorboated by the groom to be.  FACT.  If you confront your man and ask him if he touched the stripper and he says “no”, he just lied.  Here’s the deal, stripper boobs don’t count.  As long as your man didn’t touch her skanky ass lady nethers, you’re safe.  You know, it’s probably in your best interest to just never talk to him about it.  Just don’t do it.  He touched her boobs.  With his face.  It happened, everyone lives.

As for the guys who are married to chicks who had strippers at the bachelorette party, just hope the stripper didn’t slap her cheek with his herp infested penis.  You’ll totally know if she starts developing sores on her cheek.

Vicodin: It’s Whats’ for Dinner

27 Mar

You know what sucks?  Tooth pain so bad you can’t chew any food and it makes your face swell.

You know what’s awesome? When the dentist gives you big bad painkillers to help with the pain.

Not sure what the hell is up with my mouth.  The pain started a few days ago and has gotten much worse.  I didn’t really worry about it at first, because it was in a tooth which had had a cavity in the past.  There wasn’t any problem with cold or hot food.  Only with chewing.  The pain is so freaking bad now that if I bite down on that side I have a searing pain all up the right side of my face.  Not good.  Not good.

The shittiest part is that I get to have an emergency root canal.  Tonight.  At 10.

How about that for a shitty ass night?

I’m Not Dead…Yet

25 Mar

**tap tap** Is this thing on?

Last week my mom and I took a trip up to NYC to visit my cousin’s new baby.  We stayed in a ritzy hotel, went out for swanky dinners, and got trapped in my cousin’s luxurious apartment all damn day.  All.  God.  Damned.  Day.  I wouldn’t have minded so much if being locked indoors hadn’t included watching CNN for 10 hours straight and getting stuck with my jack ass uncle.  My jack ass uncle who insists on telling the same “joke” over and over and over again for two days straight.  Hey, guess what?  The joke wasn’t funny the first time.  You can bet your ass it’s not funny the eleven hundredth time either.

And know what else?  He didn’t bother to shower for three days.  Oh and he wore the same shirt for three days.  Why?  Because he’s a jack ass and he’s an old man.

Why do old people like to get so dirty?  When does life get so difficult that the thought of showering just doesn’t seem like a good idea?  I think my favorite part of the whole thing is how he went ahead and pulled the old “Mexican shower” routine.  The man was fucking dripping with cologne.  I hadn’t really noticed it at all until I was holding the baby at one point on Sunday.

I bent over to kiss him on his little baby forehead.  Like a new car, the smell of a fresh new baby is always lovely.  The sweet mix of powder, baby lotion, and a life that knows know heartbreak smells divine.  But when I bent down to kiss this little baby all I could smell was Drakar Noir.  My first thought was, “What the hell are they bathing this baby with?”  Then I remembered my mother had been the one to bathe him the day before.  It was his first bath, and he was 11 days old.  That’s right, 11 days old.  They really are embracing this whole “dirty Mexican” thing.

When I realized the poor kid was covered in my uncle’s dirtyness I did what any other person would have done.  I immediately passed the baby off to someone else and went in search of a mimosa.

Thanks to Kerryn for that kick in the ass I needed to finally post after one million billion trillion years.  Or two weeks.  Whatever.


8 Mar

People of the world, I love this show more than words could ever express.

Dear Glee, you complete me so very much.


All Dolled Up

6 Mar

Every once in awhile BBC America airs some GREAT (and disturbing) documentaries.  My favorite, by fair, was the one about men who purchased synthetic, or real, dolls.  These dolls are life sized dolls, with orifices, and you’ll be shocked to hear the dudes were creeps. The one who takes the cake, however, is this dude named Davecat.  You’ll be surprised to hear he still lived in his parents’ home…in the basement.  He claimed (and still does) to be in loved with his doll, Sidore.

He was recently featured in an episode of My Strange Addiction.  Apparently, he and his doll are now “married”.  Not quite sure how that happens.  AND both he AND his doll have twitter accounts.  Being the crazy person I am, I’ve decided to follow both of them.  Obviously her account is crazier than his because, well, she’s a fucking doll.  Last time I checked, dolls aren’t alive and they can’t tweet.

The beauty of the whole thing is you can submit questions to her and she will respond to you!!  Yesterday I was hanging out with Jersey Bell and Oingo Boingo and reading her answers to them.  One person asked her if she and Davecat ever got into fights.  My first thought was, why are you asking a doll a question?  And then I kind of went to the way of, she’s a doll and dolls don’t talk back when you argue with them.  Boy!  Was I wrong!  Apparently, early on in their relationship, they used to bicker a lot.  I mean, can you imagine this scene?  Him sitting in his mom and dad’s basement arguing with a life sized doll?  If that’s not crazy, I don’t know what is.

But wait, it gets better.

Someone asked her if she was English?  Again, I’d like to remind you she’s a doll.  Here’s her response:

Technically, I’m half-Japanese (dad’s side) and half-English (mum’s side). I was born in a district of Tokyo, then my parents and I moved to Weatherfield, a suburb of Greater Manchester, when I was five. I still have the accent, thankfully — my lad says I sound like Shirley Henderson out of ’24 hour party people’ — but I’ve forgotten most of my Japanese! 😦

Um, she has an accent but she forgot her Japanese?  REALLY??  She’s a doll!  A.  Doll!!


4 Mar

Every morning at work I read various news sites.  Perfect way to pretend like I’m busy, all the while procrastinating.  It’s genius!  You can imagine my surprise when an article about the rise of anal sex appeared in my Google feed.  As intrigued as I was by the article, I refused to click on the link for fear the website police would immediately appear at my desk and I’d be dragged out.  How do you explain that to your mom.

  • Me: Mom, I was fired.
  • Mom: What did you do?
  • Me: I went to a website I wasn’t supposed to go to.
  • Mom: What website was it?
  • Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
  • Mom: I can’t imagine what on earth you could have been looking at at work that would have caused you to lose your job.
  • Me: Let’s not go into it.
  • Mom: Were you looking at pornography, Catherinette?
  • Me: No, mom, I was not.
  • Mom: Were you gambling?
  • Me: No, mom, I don’t do that.
  • Mom: Then what could it have been.
  • Me: It was an article about anal sex.
  • Mom: Why on earth would you look at that at work?  Are you stupid??

Anyway, I immediately pulled up my iphone and pulled up the article.  According to the article, more and more people are including anal sex in their regular sexual activity. No more saving it for birthdays, Easter, and other high holy days.  People are going ALL in.  Apparently, I’m now in the minority of people who choose not to take it in the pooper.

I guess this means I’m frigid.  I’m a frigid old maid.  Maybe I just need to get myself some cats and call it a day.  Or else I have to auction off my ass and maybe donate the money to charity.  What on earth will I do??

Know what else?  Apparently teenagers are doing it too.  My jaw just about hit the floor when I read that part of the all.  What on God’s green earth is a 15 year old doing having anal sex?  Seriously, what’s happened to this world.  When I was 15 I wasn’t even touching peen.  I’ll have you know I waited until I was 17 before going hog wild on a naked man.  17 is much different than 15.  AND I’d like to remind you there were no boys touching my posie at that age.  I waited until I was 21.

So take that, youth of America.

If you want to read the article, you can access it by clicking here.  Enjoy!

Curly Sue

2 Mar

When I was in college I had the MAJOR hots for this dude in my class. Lawman was hot like fire and dumb like rock.  I’m not going to go into the excitement when we finally knocked boots – which coincidentally happened 16 years ago last week.  Man, we could have had a teenager by now.  Scary thought.  FYI: he had a giant penis.  GIANT!!

Anyway, while we were in school he had a psychotic girlfriend and he had a massive crush on one of our classmate.  Curly Sue was super nice and kind of cute.  But she was also plain Jane with curly hair.  Never quite saw what he saw in her…other than himself.  She and I used to compare hook up stories and we swore up and down we’d never sleep with him.  Um, yeah, we both slept with him.  I’d like to go ahead and claim the prize because I went first.  She had my sloppy seconds just before graduation – in the men’s locker room.  At least we did it in my bed.  Sure, I was drunk as hell and can’t remember 1/2 of it, but we did it in a bed.  AND he slept over.  Take that, Curly Sue!

She and I are friends on Facebook, though we don’t actually communicate with one another.  Not ever.  I did, however, happen to take a peek at her page today and a big smile crept onto my face as I realized she had put on at least 6o pounds since we graduated.  Man, she’s got some double chin.  A really nice hefty one.

Wonder what he’d think of her now…

I know, I know, I’m one to talk.  I was a size 6 when I graduated.  Yes, my collar bones stuck out and it looked like I had attended the Lara Flynn Boyle and Calista Flockheart diet camp, but at the time I thought it looked good.  16 years later I’ve eaten my way up to a 12-14.  My ass is bigger than I’d like to admit, and my arms disgust me.  But you know what?  I still like to see other girls who were hot in college who have gone the way of the whale.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go scrounge for some chocolate or something…