Oh Valentine’s Day, I love how you remind me I don’t have a boyfriend. As if my empty vag doesn’t mock me enough. Well fuck you, Valentin’s Day. Fuck you.
Okay, not really. You know I love you. And look, I even got flowers AND candy today. A flower and a lollipop to be exact. And sure the flower was from my boss and the candy was from my work husband. But I got a little something-something.
Sure, I’d love to tell the world I got laid twice today and came three times. I’d also like granite counter tops and a bigger bathroom. And I’d like the government not to cut funding for public radio. While I’m at it I’d also like a firmer ass and better boobs.