Archive | November, 2010

Just the Tip Tuesday (11/16/10)

16 Nov

You know what’s awesome?  My birthday is next week.  In fact, my birthday falls on a JTT!  Hurray!  That should mean that I’ll be surrounded by peen and I can have anyone I choose.  Or it should mean I can have sex with more than one person that day.  Or at least one person that day?  But that requires I find someone willing to lay there quietly without any tears.  And that I lure someone into my bedroom.  Roophying a dude and having my way with him is much harder (that’s what she said) than you might think.

But anyway, I digress.  This isn’t about me, this is about you, and your JTT…

A few weeks ago Alex O’Loughlin from the new “Hawaii 5.0” was pick of the week.  Someone suggested Scott Caan who plays Danno on the show.

At first, I balked.  He’s hairy, he’s kind of short…but you know what?  A serious dry spell plays tricks on you.  After awhile even dudes who you wouldn’t give the time of day to start looking kind of hot.

Plus he looks hot without his shirt off, and his character is funny.

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16 Nov

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Just the Tip Tuesday (11/09/10)

9 Nov

You know what TV show rocked the house?  “Veronica Mars”.  Man was there some snarky goodness on that show.  And it had Logan Echolls (swoon).  Know what else it had?  Dick Casablancas:

That Ryan Hansen was so funny as Dick.  Easily one of the best characters on the show.  And he was hot in a douche bag kind of way.  Who doesn’t like a douche every once in awhile?  Stop pretending like there’s not some douche bag in your past that you kept secret from all of your friends.  It’s happened to everyone.  It’s okay to just admit it…or at least admit it to me.

I promise not to mock you…to your face.

“Tequila” is mexican for “You Will Want to Die”

5 Nov

It’s 2:00 in the afternoon, I’m in a tropical paradise, and all I want to do is die. If I weren’t so hungover I’d pull myself out of bed, fling the sliding glass doors open, and jump off my balcony. Sadly, I’m too scared to do it. Not because I don’t want to die, but because I’m afraid that moving that much would make me vomit. Again.

Fuck you, tequila. Fuck you.

I should have trusted my judgment and told the waiter to run away with his unopened bottle of tequila last night. Instead Oingo Boingo and I proceeded to rip it open and pour it down everyone’s throats. I know I did at least four shots…and that’s on top of the mixed drinks and champagne.

I woke up several hours later, naked in my bed. How I managed to take my contacts out without losing an eye is beyond me. Too bad I only managed to put one away. The other is lost. Glasses for the rest of the trip! Not that it matter because I’ll probably die in this room.

What will they tell my mother?

An Important Question for All Humanity

1 Nov

Is it just me, or sometimes when you give a blowie does your nose run?

Trick or Beating

1 Nov

Last night I took my niece and nephew trick or treating around the neighborhood.  Aw, cute, I know.  But let’s face it, you’re not going to be surprised to hear that I had other motives.  I figured if I walked them to the door that I might earn some candy myself.  Mama likes candy, and it just doesn’t feel right to steal all their candy when I can earn my own.

Know what?  People are bastards.  Of the 30+ houses we went to only 6 gave me candy.  WTF is that about?  Why are people so damn cheap??

When I used to pass out candy to the little hoodlums in my neighborhood, I’d always offer a piece to mom.  And even a piece (of ass) to dad if he was hot. So next year, let’s make a little pact: if I show up to your door, you’ll give the candy to the kids, and you’ll hand me a piece too.  In return, I won’t key your car on the way down the driveway.

Deal?  Deal!

Reunited with Foxy

1 Nov

One of the things I miss most now that I’ve moved out of Smalltimore is hanging out with Foxy.  I miss seeing her at work every morning, gossiping about the douche bags at Investments r Us, and making vag jokes.  I miss how she calls me Prostitution Whore, though I am developing a fondness for her new term for me: whore faced whore.  Nothing says, “I love and respect you,” like your friend calling you a “whore faced whore.”  She’s an angel.

After not having seen Foxy in some time, we were reunited yesterday.  We did some minor shoe shopping, and then we had lunch.  There, we immediately began drinking.  Know what’s awesome?  Foxy Luv hammered in the middle of a Sunday afternoon.  You haven’t lived until you’ve seen her telling the female bartender that she wants to get all up on her rack.  It’s really klassy.

Immediately following our klassy lunch, we stumbled out of the restaurant and down the street to the sex shop.

Ever been drunk sex toy shopping?  You totally should.  But when you sober up and look at the your purchases, don’t be surprised if you have buyer’s remorse.  Lord only knows who on God’s green earth needs that much pina colada lube.