Archive | 2:41 pm

An Important Question for All Humanity

1 Nov

Is it just me, or sometimes when you give a blowie does your nose run?

Trick or Beating

1 Nov

Last night I took my niece and nephew trick or treating around the neighborhood.  Aw, cute, I know.  But let’s face it, you’re not going to be surprised to hear that I had other motives.  I figured if I walked them to the door that I might earn some candy myself.  Mama likes candy, and it just doesn’t feel right to steal all their candy when I can earn my own.

Know what?  People are bastards.  Of the 30+ houses we went to only 6 gave me candy.  WTF is that about?  Why are people so damn cheap??

When I used to pass out candy to the little hoodlums in my neighborhood, I’d always offer a piece to mom.  And even a piece (of ass) to dad if he was hot. So next year, let’s make a little pact: if I show up to your door, you’ll give the candy to the kids, and you’ll hand me a piece too.  In return, I won’t key your car on the way down the driveway.

Deal?  Deal!

Reunited with Foxy

1 Nov

One of the things I miss most now that I’ve moved out of Smalltimore is hanging out with Foxy.  I miss seeing her at work every morning, gossiping about the douche bags at Investments r Us, and making vag jokes.  I miss how she calls me Prostitution Whore, though I am developing a fondness for her new term for me: whore faced whore.  Nothing says, “I love and respect you,” like your friend calling you a “whore faced whore.”  She’s an angel.

After not having seen Foxy in some time, we were reunited yesterday.  We did some minor shoe shopping, and then we had lunch.  There, we immediately began drinking.  Know what’s awesome?  Foxy Luv hammered in the middle of a Sunday afternoon.  You haven’t lived until you’ve seen her telling the female bartender that she wants to get all up on her rack.  It’s really klassy.

Immediately following our klassy lunch, we stumbled out of the restaurant and down the street to the sex shop.

Ever been drunk sex toy shopping?  You totally should.  But when you sober up and look at the your purchases, don’t be surprised if you have buyer’s remorse.  Lord only knows who on God’s green earth needs that much pina colada lube.