Something is Amish

For some ungodly reason, my sister has an unnatural fear of the Amish.  This seems to have started some 20 years ago when the family took a little road trip to Lancaster, PA.  For those of you not in the know, Lancaster is Amish country.  There’s some freakish fascination for those of us to live in the area to head up that way and gawk at people that live differently than we do.  It’s almost like we treat it like some kind of strange zoo filled with animals instead of people.  They dress differently than many of us, the dudes have funky beards, and the ladies keep their hair tucked away in a prim little bonnet.  We ooh and ahh at the horse and buggies.  We buy their cheese and eat their ice cream.  We even buy their furniture and then proclaim proudly how we’re helping the Amish.

I’m not sure if it’s the delicious dairy products they produce, or the fact they name their sons Ezekiel and Jedediah, but something just freaks my sister the fuck out.  For years she refused to step foot in Pennsylvania for fear the Amish might get her.  Years of therapy seems to have helped her.

Yet things changed this afternoon when we happened to find ourselves in a place with about 20 Amish.  The second she saw them my sister started sweating and looking around nervously.  Again, not sure why.  It’s not like the Amish are known for being violent.  You don’t exactly read about Amish gangs in the news.  There are never rumors about Amish gone bad who steal your wallet, kick you in the shins, and then make you grow a beard.  Just doesn’t happen.  But there she was sweating it out anyway.

I told her I wanted to get a picture of her with the Amish, but she quickly said no.  When I told her I was kidding, she said she was thankful. “I’d never take their picture, I’d be afraid I’d take their souls,” I told her.  “Those are the Hopi Indians, stupid,” she responded.  What-the-fuck-ever.

You know what I’m getting her for Christmas?  A picture of Lucy(fer) and Damien dressed up in full Amish garb.  Take that!

 

Black Friday

I never understood the allure of getting up at the ass crack of dawn to go stand outside at Wal-mart at 2:00 AM just to wait for the doors to open at 5:00 so I could get some fabulous deal on a shitty TV.  Do I really need a crappy TV that badly?  No, I do not.  And why would I go to Target at 7:00 in the morning?  There’s just no need.

Shopping on Black Friday is akin to getting a rectal exam: something that should be avoided at all costs.

There’s no reason to pack yourself into a store with a bunch of cranky ass people who want to fist fight you over a generic mp3 player.  No thank you, I will pass.  I would rather hang out in my pajamas and shop online.  Granted, I won’t have any good stories about some 70+ year old woman yelling at a young mother about how she had the Cabbage Patch doll first, but somehow I’ll survive.

In fact, unless they start offering hot bachelors at stores, you can guarantee that my ass will be nowhere near the mall.

For those of you braving the stores (in other words, stupid enough to go out today), God speed.  And you’re in luck, some shops have lovely deals:

• BestBuy you’ll be able get a black or white Wii for $169
• GameStop is offering a free game (Fossil Fighters or the Legendary Starfy) with purchase of a new, special release Orange or Green DSi bundle
• Kmart if you purchase a black or white Wii console on Friday or Saturday, you’ll receive a $25 Gaming Coupon.  Also, from 5am-11am on Friday only, they’re offering a $25 Gaming Coupon with purchase of an orange or green DSi bundle.
• Target you’ll be able to get a new Fling Smash bundle for $39, Wii Fit Plus bundle for $67, and if you purchase Super Mario Bros Wii, you’ll receive a $10 gift card. If you purchase an orange or green DSi bundle
• Sears, you’ll receive a $20 Award Card.  You can also get Metroid: Other M or Super Mario Galaxy 2 for $39.99
• Walmart there is a $50 gift card with purchase of a Black, White or Red Wii console, and they’ll be offering the Nintendo DS Lite for just $89

Now get out there and get me a new Wii.

Just the Tip Tuesday (11/23/10)

Ladies and germs, today is a very special, magical, and festive day.  Yes, it’s JTT, but it’s a very special JTT: this is JTT the birthday edition.  That’s right, my people, today is my birthday.  I’ll pause now to let you go ahead and wish me a peen filled birthday, go ahead.  I’ll wait…

THANK YOU!  I’m touched, I really am.  Sadly, Vangelina Jolie is not touched, and yet she would like to be.

I spent quite some time trying to figure out who I would select for the ultimate JTT edition, and thanks to God knows who, I came up with the best pick in the world.  This pick, in fact, has two hot and manly studs.  Two studs, that given the chance, I don’t think I could pick between. It’s like saying, would you like me to give you a 10 carat diamond or a 10 carat diamond.  How do you choose?

When I look at the two next to each other the only thing I can think of is DP (look it up in Urban Dictionary).  Oh, Bradley Cooper and Ryan Reynolds, why are you not in my bed right now?

Is it that much to ask for?  All I want is both of them naked in my bed.  They don’t even have to do it at the same time.  I just want them.  Sadly, I already blew out the candles on my cake.

Or should I say “cakes”?  I’ve had five pieces of cake in the last four days.  I need to get bigger god damned pants.

Everyone Likes Good Head

People, let’s talk about dating.  More than that, let’s talk about online dating…

You know I’m one of the bazillions of people who has joined the wonderful and fabulous world of online dating.  Like many others, I too must weed through some of the dregs of society in search of my night in shining armor.  Here’s the thing: some of these dudes are probably not so bad, but the second I see the dude has been taking a picture of himself in the bathroom, I tune him out.  On to the next one!

The fact is there’s an epidemic sweeping the nation.  It’s worse than Bird Flu or Bieber Fever.  Explain to me why there are so many online singles who take pictures of themselves with their smart phones while they’re standing in the bathroom.  WHY??  What are these people thinking?  The last thing I want to see in someone’s picture is how he decorates the bathroom, and/or the dirty towels on the floor.

I have a solution, a simple solution that we can all benefit from: Dating Headshots.  Smart people can work with these guys to have good pictures taken.  When I first found out about the site, I spent a good 30 minutes looking at some of the before and after shots.  And I’m not talking lame glamor shots, that would be lame on several levels. It’s pretty freaking amazing what they can do.  So amazing, in fact, that yours truly is going to work with these bad boys to get some quality shots taken.  I’m not enough of a tool to take a picture of myself in the damn bathroom, but I know some of my pics leave a little something-something to be desires.

Now, if you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel looking for your knight in shining armor, or your Cinderella it might be worth it to take a looky loo at what they can do for you.  Know the best part?  They’re offering a discount for some of their packages.  Just drop by the Dating Headshots site and enter in 156218 if you sign up for a Silver or Gold package.

You can thank me by naming one of your kids after me.

Horse’s Ass

Last night I was in Baltimore hanging out with some peeps for additional birthday celebrations.  As a reminder, you still have plenty of time to send me a gift certificate or cash money as my birthday isn’t until Tuesday.  But I digress.  So I was in Baltimore getting my drink on with my friends.  It was supposed to be a special night, and it kind of was.  But not special like I got to touch someone’s wiener while I was sober special.  It was more like that guy was lucky he left when he did or Jewcy Bits would have punched him in the face special.

That’s right, kids, there was almost a fight.  Starring Jewcy Bits and the Master Overlord of Douche Bags.

My girlfriend invited the asshole she’d been seeing on and off for the last 6 months.  We already didn’t like him since he basically dumped her on her birthday and then got back together with her a few days later.  His idea of making up with her and apologizing involved a drunk phone call at 3:30 am on a Monday where he drunkenly told her he had acted like a jack ass and wanted to come over to “talk” to her.  Kids, this is a perfect example of what I like to call a “booty call.”

Like a typical chick, we’ve all been there, she took him back.  And she believed he had changed.  I can’t blame her, I too am a chick and have fallen for such behavior myself.  So he came out for my birthday where he proceeded to be a total ass the whole time.  Examples of his shitty behavior include:

• Berating her in front of her friends
• Ogling other chicks in front of her
• Calling us all lame
• Kicking my friends to get their attention
• Spilling drinks all over the place
• Rubbing another girl’s bare legs (repeatedly)
• Slapping Jewcy Bits’ boyfriends gut

It was that last one that just about sent Jewcy Bits over the edge.  And with good reason.  I have to say, I would have paid good money to watch Jewcy punch him in his mouth.  He totally deserved it.  He really did.  I think I might dream of seeing his drunk ass laid out on the floor and watching Jewcy kick his fat gut all over the floor.

Fucker.

Just to Clarify

Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes. My birthday is actually on Tuesday so you still have plenty of time to send gifts…

Dear Friends Who Are Taking Me Out for My Birthday Tonight

Can you please make sure there’s no tequila in sight?  I have things to do tomorrow and I’m too busy to spend the day vomiting and begging for death.  Also, if we get to the point where I start ordering Irish Car Bombs or telling you that I want to make out with the waitstaff, please cut me off.  And please don’t let me flash the valet attendant – again.

Trust me on this one…

Now let’s get out of here so we can celebrate the most wonderful time of year: my birthday!!

The week long celebration starts now…