Manning Up

14 Oct

As a woman I spend far too much time pretending I’m still in high school and psycho analyzing every single thing that men do.  What could it have meant when he put the book we asked to borrow on Boom Boom’s desk instead of on mine?  Why did he only say, “hi” to me today instead of, “good morning” like he usually does?  Why is he wearing my favorite suit today?  Why did he laugh when he found out that my birthday is the same day as his ex-wife’s?  Why did he blink when he said, “you look nice today”?

It’s freaking exhausting.

I’ve been told that men are simple creatures and that we women tend to blow things out of proportion.  Guess what?  We can’t fucking help it.  It’s in our DNA to act like fools and over analyze every single thing until there’s nothing left.

It’s also in our DNA to focus on something until we can’t see straight anymore.  How can I possibly get any work done when the hot dude at work told me that he really liked the way I looked in my new dress?  I mean, now I have to sit there and plan out my outfits for the rest of the year.  And then I have to think about what will happen if he doesn’t like my new pantsuit.  Then it’s time to plan the wedding and name our kids.

Seriously, it’s tiring.

Back when I was obsessing over a certain hot young something in my office it was very difficult to get any work done.  That’s when Boom Boom sat me down and told me it was time to man up.  No more analyzing why he waited until 11:19 to IM me instead of 10:03 like most other days.  No more talking over and over again about why he didn’t say anything about my new eye liner.  No more talk about his girlfriend.  Flirting was fine, but then it was time to shut it off and get back to work.

So that’s what I did.  Compartmentalizing: dudes are far better at it than we are.  They can mix their business with pleasure.  Where as we immediately find any pleasure and it has to creep into every other aspect of our lives.  No more.  I’m done.  At work, I’m at work.  If someone flirts with me, it’s over and done with immediately afterward and I’m not going to spend then next 6 days picking it all apart to try to figure out when we’re going to knock boots or where we should go for our honeymoon.  No more playlists or laying in my bed wondering where it all went wrong.  Men don’t freaking do that.  And why do we?  It’s not like we can control the world just by picking the right song or the right pair of heels to wear with that dress he said he liked.

Dudes don’t notice that shit.  And I highly doubt that men sit there after we’ve said, “I like your tie” and start considering what kind of bedroom furniture we’re going to have when we move in together.  The only thing they’re probably thinking is what we might look like with our legs wrapped around their heads.

Manning up also means more belching and a lot more porn.

 

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14 Responses to “Manning Up”

  1. Sarah October 14, 2010 at 12:56 pm #

    I spent two weeks after my weekend with the farmer every evening on my front porch with a six pack and a playlist of country songs that we had heard on his boat. That was ten weeks ago. And he still hasn’t called. This post is good advice. I needed it. xoxoxoxo

  2. One2Many October 14, 2010 at 2:40 pm #

    I am so glad to hear I am not the only one who overanalyzes and agonizes over every little thing. Mainly because it means I am not totally psycho. But I’m trying to put crazy in a box and tape it shut and just live for a while without spending the next 3 days analyzing (incorrectly) what his latest email means. Thank you for putting it all in perspective.

  3. teri October 14, 2010 at 3:00 pm #

    yep, in the DNA. That’s all I’ve got to say on this topic.

  4. irodetheshortbus October 14, 2010 at 3:40 pm #

    Ummmm…good luck with this. Although I am inclined to believe life would be way more boring without it…I mean can you imagine if shit was just as it seemed? We would have nothing to blog about…

  5. Mike October 14, 2010 at 4:03 pm #

    Let us know how that works out.

  6. Del-V October 15, 2010 at 7:57 am #

    Yeah! Work is for doing work only. Your boss is not paying you to flirt on the company’s time.

  7. jon October 15, 2010 at 11:51 am #

    Hookers get paid to flirt while on the job….
    And by “on the job” I mean “On His Job”… bahahahah.

  8. Confessions Of A Dizzy Blonde October 15, 2010 at 1:11 pm #

    Bloody brilliant!!!

  9. Melanie October 15, 2010 at 3:26 pm #

    Marry one. You will stop obsessing. Trust me.

  10. Lindsey October 15, 2010 at 4:37 pm #

    Oh god. My girlfriends and I used to do that after every single date. Or after every time we saw a guy we were really into. Oh who the hell am I kidding…we still do it and we’re all married. 🙂 Exhausting but we can’t help ourselves.

  11. Robin October 15, 2010 at 7:46 pm #

    SO guilty as charged with this one. It’s funny seeing the contents of my brain written out like this. And it makes me feel better to know I’m not the only one.
    PS- Yet another reason I need to come back as a man in my next life.

  12. laanonima October 17, 2010 at 9:52 pm #

    This post is amazing. And you have inspired me. I’ve been over-analyzing every freaking guy I’ve been with. I’ve also been guilty of doodling his last name next to my first name just to see what it would look and sound like. I have reached my breaking point as well. I’m just going to milk whatever free drinks I can milk off the fella, slam him and never call him back. Just like they all do. Basically, I’m going to be a man whore. I’m too tired for this shit already.

  13. Clicking Frogs October 18, 2010 at 10:17 pm #

    Nobody can mind-fuck us as badly as we are able to do to ourselves!

  14. The Reason You Come October 22, 2010 at 5:53 pm #

    Yep, I’ve been overanalyzing men since puberty. Now that I’m engaged, my fiancé has to deal with all my analyses, questions, questions in response to the answers to said questions, questions in response to the answers to the questions in response to the answers to the first questions… He calls me crazy. But he stays, so I get to keep my man and my overanalyses. 😉

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