Archive | October, 2010

Just the Tip Tuesday

26 Oct

Every notice that sometimes you see a creepy guy and he has some kind of crazy allure?  Like you think to yourself, “If this guy got me alone he might steal my nipples and make a lampshade?” but you still kind of want to go and make out with him.  Yeah, you know what I mean.

For me, West Bentley is that type of guy:

Be honest, you know you’d want to find out what he might do to your nipples if you were alone with him.  You don’t need to play these games with me.  I know how you are.  How could you say no to those dreamy blue eyes?  I know I couldn’t.  Then again, I don’t say no very often…

My Measures of Success

25 Oct

The following are signs the bachelorette party was a success:

  1. The bachelorette vomited
  2. Someone lost their pants
  3. Dudes purchased drinks for ladies
  4. The bachelorette was forced to wear a t-shirt that said “I love anal” and “Penis, it’s what’s for breakfast”
  5. Someone fell at a crowded bar

What on earth could possibly have made the bachelorette party better??

An Open Letter to My Liver and the Livers of my Friends

23 Oct

Dear Livers,

I just wanted to take this time to apologize for the damage that we are about to cause tonight.  It’s South Philly Fashionista’s bachelorette party tonight, and as is tradition, the friends of the bride must make the bride vomit.  This, of course, will require that we also get wasted beyond imagination.  There will be wine, and probably bubbles, and fancy expensive cocktails, and tequila, and shots.  Probably Irish Car Bombs.  And I might be the one responsible for buying those Irish Car Bombs.  I might be, I might not be.  We’ll have to see how the evening turns out.

But one thing is for certain, tomorrow morning we are all going to wake up wishing that we were dead.  That’s what bachelorette parties are all about.  Right?  That and running around with penis straws trying to get dudes to hit on us.  And maybe someone will make out.  And maybe someone will touch a penis.  And maybe someone will cry.  Drunk girls are awesome.

So on behalf of myself, Boom Boom, Jersey Belle, and SPF I’d like to tell you that we love you, and we’re sorry.  And if you’re going to make someone vomit, can you please make it be SPF?

Thanks so much!


Drugs Aren’t Always Bad

20 Oct

You know what’s awesome?  Throwing out your back.  We’ve all had those moments when we do something strange and end up pulling a muscle in our back.  One of those terrible muscle pulls where the whole side of your body is totally tight and you can’t turn your neck.  Good times, good times.

Know what’s even more awesome?  When you do it while you’re getting dressed for work in the morning.  I don’t know what the French I did this morning when I was putting my shirt on, but whatever it was, it’s freaking hurting me a lot.  Driving to work this morning was so difficult.  I couldn’t turn my neck so every time I had to turn behind me it was like I was the rusted tin man from The Wizard of Oz – I had to turn my whole body.  Not good, not good.

Know what is good?  Muscle relaxers.  I just took one and I can feel it getting ready to kick in.  Drugged up blogging?  Might have to try it…

Just the Tip Tuesday (10/19/10)

19 Oct

You know what show was awesome 15 years ago?  MTV’s “My So Called Life”.  Good stuff.  Sure it starred that insufferable whore, Claire Danes, but it also introduced us to the likes of Mr. Jordan Catalano AKA Jared Leto.  I don’t know a single chick that watched the show that didn’t want to climb up all on his junk.

As the years have passed, he kind of faded into the background and it came out that he was a giant presumptuous prick.  He got all artsy and started a band and low and behold the band got all popular and he became a musician.  And know what?  All these years later he’s even hotter than he was as teenage prick on an MTV show.

I don’t know about you, bitches, but I’d like to break me off a piece of that.  Man is he fine.  And that voice?  Ugh, makes my toes curl every single time…

Down with the Sickness

18 Oct

People of internets, I have a shocking announcement to make.  An announcement that could quite possible change your life – but probably won’t.  Now, before you get all fired up and check the counter, let me tell you that this is not wiener related.

Here it is:  I’m sick, AGAIN!

For some reason, I am congested all over again.  How does this happen?  I’m so anal about washing my hands all the time.  It’s not like I run around licking germ infested doorknobs.  Yet here I am all over again.  Last night was one of those horrible nights where my nose wouldn’t stop running.  And I did what everyone else does: twirled the end of a kleenex and shoved it up my nose.  There is nothing hotter than a single chick in flannel pajamas with a kleenex shoved up her nose.

God, I’m so hot I can barely stand myself.

How’s it possible that a stone cold fox such as myself is still single?

Manning Up

14 Oct

As a woman I spend far too much time pretending I’m still in high school and psycho analyzing every single thing that men do.  What could it have meant when he put the book we asked to borrow on Boom Boom’s desk instead of on mine?  Why did he only say, “hi” to me today instead of, “good morning” like he usually does?  Why is he wearing my favorite suit today?  Why did he laugh when he found out that my birthday is the same day as his ex-wife’s?  Why did he blink when he said, “you look nice today”?

It’s freaking exhausting.

I’ve been told that men are simple creatures and that we women tend to blow things out of proportion.  Guess what?  We can’t fucking help it.  It’s in our DNA to act like fools and over analyze every single thing until there’s nothing left.

It’s also in our DNA to focus on something until we can’t see straight anymore.  How can I possibly get any work done when the hot dude at work told me that he really liked the way I looked in my new dress?  I mean, now I have to sit there and plan out my outfits for the rest of the year.  And then I have to think about what will happen if he doesn’t like my new pantsuit.  Then it’s time to plan the wedding and name our kids.

Seriously, it’s tiring.

Back when I was obsessing over a certain hot young something in my office it was very difficult to get any work done.  That’s when Boom Boom sat me down and told me it was time to man up.  No more analyzing why he waited until 11:19 to IM me instead of 10:03 like most other days.  No more talking over and over again about why he didn’t say anything about my new eye liner.  No more talk about his girlfriend.  Flirting was fine, but then it was time to shut it off and get back to work.

So that’s what I did.  Compartmentalizing: dudes are far better at it than we are.  They can mix their business with pleasure.  Where as we immediately find any pleasure and it has to creep into every other aspect of our lives.  No more.  I’m done.  At work, I’m at work.  If someone flirts with me, it’s over and done with immediately afterward and I’m not going to spend then next 6 days picking it all apart to try to figure out when we’re going to knock boots or where we should go for our honeymoon.  No more playlists or laying in my bed wondering where it all went wrong.  Men don’t freaking do that.  And why do we?  It’s not like we can control the world just by picking the right song or the right pair of heels to wear with that dress he said he liked.

Dudes don’t notice that shit.  And I highly doubt that men sit there after we’ve said, “I like your tie” and start considering what kind of bedroom furniture we’re going to have when we move in together.  The only thing they’re probably thinking is what we might look like with our legs wrapped around their heads.

Manning up also means more belching and a lot more porn.


Just the Tip Tuesday (10/12/10)

12 Oct

There are few things in this world as disturbing as finding out that you and your mom are attracted to the same person. Even worse when your mom goes on and on about how hot a certain actor is. Disgusting. And disturbing. I have zero desire in hearing how my mom wants to slobber all over the chest of some young hot thing. Especially when that young hot thing is three years younger than I am.

Did I already mention that’s disgusting and disturbing?

Still, when you set your eyes on this hot young thing, it’s understandable why she may want to climb him like a ladder (gag):

Alex O’Loughlin, ladies and germs. Hot body? Check! Spicy Australian accent? Check! Terrible actor with shows that keep getting canceled? Check! But who really cares when he keeps taking off his shirt in his shows?

You may recognize him as a vampire from the short lived show “Moonlight” – also starring Logan Echolls from “Veronica Mars”. Or as a doctor from some show that lasted about 30 seconds and whose title escapes me. Or perhaps the spicy actor that played opposite shitty actress Jennifer Lopez in the “The Backup Plan”. These days you can find him “acting” with Scott Caan and Daniel Dae Kim in Hawaii 5.0.

All I want is for him to pop out of my bathtub looking just like he does in this pic. Is that too much to ask for?