Power to My Fist Hitting Your Mouth

23 Aug

My uncle is so freaking annoying it’s not even funny.  The mere act of hearing him breathe makes me want to wrap my hands around his neck and squeeze until he turns blue.  Annoying.  And aren’t I the lucky one for having the joy and pleasure of getting trapped on vacation with him.  He sucks.  He sucks big gigantic dog balls.  Huge ones.

I know that you all love it when I suffer, and so I will share a wonderful example of how he made me suffer today.  It’s because I care.

So here we are on Martha’s Vineyard for the week, and as luck would have it, the weather sucks.  Most of the day was rainy and super windy.  So windy, in fact, that the power went out in a few places.  We happened to walk into one storm about 10 minutes after the power went out.  He wanted an espresso.  Espresso machines don’t work when there’s no power.  Common knowledge.  At least you would think so.

  • Me: There’s not going to be any espresso here, the power is out.
  • Douche Uncle: But maybe we can get some espresso.
  • Me: Actually, no, we can’t.
  • Douche Uncle: They don’t sell it here?
  • Me: They do, but there’s no power?
  • Douche Uncle:  Why? [last time I checked I wasn’t an electrician.]
  • Me: Um, because of the storm?
  • Douche Uncle: You think the storm knocked out the power? [and I’m also not a weather girl.]
  • Me: I think so.  I’m not sure?
  • Douche Uncle: If it wasn’t the storm, what else could it be?
  • Me: No idea.
  • Douche Uncle: When will the power go back on?
  • Me: I have no idea.
  • Douche Uncle: You think they’ll have it on in the next 10 minutes?
  • Me: I have no idea.
  • Douche Uncle: Well, maybe we can ask them to make us an espresso anyway.
  • Me: No, we can’t.  You need electricity to power up an espresso machine and there is no power here.
  • Douche Uncle: You don’t think we should ask?
  • Me: No, I don’t.  How else would you get a freaking espresso machine to work?  Last time I checked there was no such thing as a hand cranked espresso machine.
  • Douche Uncle: Maybe we can just wait until the power is back on.
  • Me: No, we’re leaving.

How fucking stupid do you have to be?

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6 Responses to “Power to My Fist Hitting Your Mouth”

  1. teri August 23, 2010 at 10:14 pm #

    doesn’t your mother ask the same dumb questions?

    As a side note, the Obama’s are there on vacation, maybe you can find them and have them adopt you for the rest of your stay.

    She does, but her questions aren’t quite as stupid as his are. And maybe I find him more annoying because he sucks.

    I’ve been driving around the island looking for them. They’re nowhere to be found. -CS

  2. Sarah August 23, 2010 at 10:40 pm #

    Vacation No Power Annoying Relatives = More Cocktails

    I might offer him some cocktails made with bleach. Mmm…bleachtinis! -CS

  3. Karishma Sundaram August 24, 2010 at 5:28 am #

    After all that and he is still alive? You have some incredible self-control. Respect.

  4. Kristine August 24, 2010 at 8:17 am #

    Thank you for this post. I’m sorry you have to go through this. For me, however, it makes me feel better. You see, that conversation would be what I would have with my 86 year old step-dad. The man drives me insane and everyone thinks I’m so mean because I just don’t have patience with him. I’m just glad I’m not alone. Not that you give a shit, but still.

  5. BeckEye August 24, 2010 at 11:40 am #

    Yeah, but WHY couldn’t you stay?? WHY?? What is the sound of one hand clapping?

    • Michelle August 25, 2010 at 11:34 pm #

      Jeez, I love it when you suffer – you’re hysterical!!

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