Dear John, It’s Not Me, It’s You

2 Aug

“And one more thing, you missed out on a one of the best sexual experiences, just know that, too…”  That was the final message I received from Bob the Builder after informing him that I did not want to see him again after our date on Saturday.

Ah yes, there was another date.  A date with a new boy, one that had seemed promising, but turned out not to be.  He was nice, he was a kind of funny, but he was so freaking insecure it drove me nuts.  He told me several times that he really liked me and that he hoped that things would progress.  Kind of cute, but creepy at the same time.  After all, we had just met.  He apologized for a series of things on the date.  He mentioned his ex-girlfriend at least 12 times.  He parked cars for a living, though he didn’t actually own his own car. He told me, not once, but twice that he was terrible at going down on a chick.  Mind you, I didn’t ask-he kind of just blurted it out right before the main course came out.  It was kind of like, “I’m just like any other guy, I don’t know what I’m doing down there.  Can you pass me the salsa?”

It may come as a total shock to you to hear I’m actually quite ladylike and demure on a first date.  I don’t talk about sex, I don’t berate my exes, I don’t give lap dances, and the last thing on my mind on a first date is how much money will exchange hands when I offer him a blowie.  Shocking, I know.  So you can imagine how surprised I was when he brought up that he didn’t know his way around the vag.  Really?  At 37 you’re still not sure, you bring it up on a first date, AND you admit to it?  Um, that’s kind of strange.

Then add to that that he asked me twice what I liked in the sack.  I actually had to tell him that I didn’t think that was appropriate for a first date.  Shocking, I know.  Plus, he mentioned the phrase “making love” three times.  Who talks like that?  Did we take a time machine back to 1947?  Is someone going to help me out of my petticoat?  Where’s our chaparone?  I laughed at loud when he said that.

  • Him: What would you call it?
  • Me: Having sex.
  • Him:  Oh.  Well, I didn’t want to be rude and call it “fucking”, that’s just way too dirty.

Um, I kind of like dirty, sometimes.  There are some guys that can pull off the dirty talk, and there are some that if they try it makes you cringe.  This poor guy would be the cringe inducing type.  We happened to find ourselves making out at various times through the night and he would ask, “Do you like it when I kiss you like that?” “Do you like when I put my hands on your waist?”  He was trying to be sexy when he said it but it sounded pretty lame.

But the icing on the cake, I think, was when we were on our way back to my car.  He had me pinned up against the wall on 15th Street, and he started telling me about his sexual fantasy.  He wanted to be tied up, naked, to a chair and have me dance for him, and do things to his “bad parts.”  He actually called them “bad parts.”  Look, I’m all for living out sexual fantasies, I say go for it.  But I think there’s a time and a place for everything and I don’t think that the first date happens to be the place.

Or maybe it was when he said something along the following lines (also when he had me pinned against the wall):

Know what I would do to you if we were in a secluded place?  I would get down on my knees, and lift your skirt.  Then, I would hold your hips, and kiss your thighs.  I would kiss your hips.  And then suddenly, you’d hear a cry for help because I don’t know what the hell I’d be doing down there.

He was trying to be sexy when he said this.  He failed.  What makes it even less attractive is the fact that 3D was a master in the sack.  He may have been crazier than sin, but there’s something to be said about hot sex with a crazy person.  He knew what he was doing and was willing to push the envelope.  He oozed sex, right out of his crazy, insecure pores.  Those of you that met him are probably vomiting in your mouths right now (you’re welcome for that).  Regardless of how shitty things ended (on more than one occasion), there is no denying that he was skilled in the bedroom.  I don’t expect to find someone that knows his way around Clitoris Leachman like 3D did, but you can bet your ass that spending time with someone who flat out admits (more than once) that Vangelina Jolie scares him is not a dude for me.

Next!

Oh, and in case you’re wondering: no, I did not reset the peen counter.

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16 Responses to “Dear John, It’s Not Me, It’s You”

  1. Skylers Dad August 2, 2010 at 9:57 pm #

    There just isn’t much more he could have messed up on a first date, besides showing you his herp meds and bragging about how he hasn’t infected anybody in at least a week.

    You stayed in there way too long, I would have walked hours earlier.

    But if I had left early, there wouldn’t be a good story to tell. I did it for you. -CS

  2. Hookdntx August 2, 2010 at 10:27 pm #

    At least he didn’t pick his nose and eat it…. yes I had that date.

    Wow, that’s really freaking bad. -CS

  3. Del-V August 2, 2010 at 11:15 pm #

    Finally, someone went out on a date with you and was worse than me. This gives me hope. Thank you Cath!!!

  4. Boom August 3, 2010 at 12:29 am #

    The most exciting part of this date was the fact that you mentioned America’s fav condiment, salsa….Next!

  5. Pkitass August 3, 2010 at 12:56 am #

    The things you do for a good story! Jeez, talk about taking one for the team.
    Your whoring is appreciated, keep up the good work.

  6. Wynn August 3, 2010 at 5:38 am #

    When guys have to point out that you “missed out in an awesome sexual experience” or that they will give you said awesome sexual experience, MY experience is to run.

    And I’m socially inept in many surroundings too, but talk about sex all the time and in detail on the first date? Maybe you should just e-mail him what he did wrong, he obviously has no idea he offended you like all night long.

    • Paige August 3, 2010 at 4:09 pm #

      I thought it was funny that he said she’d be missing out on an awesome sexual experience after he’d admitted multiple times that he’s a novice in the ladyparts division. Seriously? No guy who’s clueless about my downtown is gonna be able to give me an awesome sexual anything…

  7. He Who Laughs Last August 3, 2010 at 8:43 am #

    So glad I’m not the only one that dates losers!

  8. Sarah August 3, 2010 at 8:55 am #

    You still have eight days left. I’m rootin’ for ya. BTW, I reset mine on Sunday. oh yeah I did.

  9. teri August 3, 2010 at 9:55 am #

    WOW!! this is one of the reasons I could never do online dating, they are freaking crazy. I can’t imagine being in that situation, I think I would want to crawl under a table and slink out of the restaurant.

    Now, if I hadn’t met you, I could say that you might like the dirty talk on the first date but since I have, you do seem a lot girlier and sensitive to that type of craziness.

    How about eharmony?

  10. Conflicted Mean Girl August 3, 2010 at 2:53 pm #

    If it’s possible to cringe and laugh at the same time that’s what I did. (You can quote that on the back of your book some day)

    I just have one question, were you making out with him before or after he called it “making love?”

    • Catherinette August 3, 2010 at 3:05 pm #

      We were making out during. I think he said something stupid like he’d like to make love to me. God, that just sounds freaking stupid. -CS

  11. Mike August 3, 2010 at 4:16 pm #

    LMAO. That’s some scary stuff. Terrifing on the first date. Great blogging material though. Thanks for taking one for the team.

  12. Conflicted Mean Girl August 3, 2010 at 5:48 pm #

    haha. What would ever possess someone to say something like that. He clearly has no idea what he’s doing.

  13. Red August 16, 2010 at 6:51 pm #

    This reminds me of a divorced guy I once met in a bar. It was a VIP room so there had to be some reason he was there; the reason turned out to be that he had donated $50k to a cause I care about, so we started talking. He was older than I like and reminded me powerfully of someone I don’t get along with at all, but we were chatting. In the course of this conversation, he told me that he hadn’t (I can’t remember his exact words, but) gotten any in over 5 mos. I thought to myself, “Dude, if you think telling me that is going to change that for you, you are SORELY mistaken.”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Stupid Things Girls Do | Bridget Jones Has Nothing On Me - February 13, 2018

    […] why do we do that?  This all came up when we were talking about the terrible date I went on with Bob the Builder over the summer.  For the life of him, he couldn’t understand why I would make out with a […]

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