Archive | August, 2010

Protected: A Night on the Town with Mom Jeans

31 Aug

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Not Your Daughter’s Jeans

31 Aug

There are times when my own stupidity surprises me. Why oh why do I put myself in these situations? WHY??

A few weeks ago a new friend of mine told me she wanted to set me up with a friend of hers. I trusted her to know me well enough to have an idea as to whether/not this would be a good idea, so I said yes. She gave him my contact information and the next day I had an email from him. Nothing out of this world, but nice enough. I responded. He asked if I might like to meet for drinks, and Boom Boom encouraged me to take a chance, so once again I said yes.

The day after I told him yes it occurred to me that I hadn’t seen a picture of this guy and I asked my friend to hunt one down. You can imagine my dismay when she sent me a picture of the King of Queens with a goatee and mom jeans. UGH?? WTF?? Seriously, is this what she thinks I like? I clearly stated that I am very much into the wrapping and don’t always care about the substance – which is probably why most of my relationships have failed.

Now I’m stuck having drinks with Mom Jeans. Tonight.

I hate myself.

Gym Rats

30 Aug

If you’re like some people, the thought of going to the gym causes physical discomfort and makes you want to vomit.  I’ll be honest, the only reasons I decided to go are because: 1) I’m sick of my rolls of fat, 2) I have zero desire to show myself on facebook in a bikini.  Which is exactly what will happen if I don’t lose 10 more pounds by the end of October.  Trust me, no one wants to see my fat thighs in a bikini.

This afternoon Boom Boom and I both found ourselves sweating our asses off after a week of indulging in too many carbs and too many beers.  You know what we realized?  We are 12 years old.  Seriously, we’re fucking 12.  I realized this when she was walking the track and I was sitting on the recumbent bike and then, my secret man meat boyfriend walked it.

She was walking behind him and she saw him, she looked across the gym at me and we both laughed and laughed.  Why?  Because we are stupid.

I will say that the good thing about seeing him is that he keeps me on the elliptical for another 15 minutes.  He is so hot.  Sure I look like a stalker when I crane my neck to stare at him lifting, but last time I checked, 12 year old stalkers aren’t subtle.

Head First

26 Aug

Sweet justice!  Sweet, sweet justice!

After days and days of rain and being trapped with the whole family the sun finally decided to show up.  This meant a trip to the beach.  I’m going to keep this short because I’m very busy pretending to get dressed so we can all venture back out, BUT I just knew you’d LOVE to hear this.

Guess who fell face first into the ocean this afternoon?  My douche uncle!!  Hurray!

Best part?  He had his blackberry in his pocket when he fell.

My heart is so full right now it might burst…

Just the Tip Tuesday (08/24/10)

24 Aug

Being on vacation is a blast.  Being on vacation with a douche uncle and screaming children is a blast…as long as there’s a fridge full of booze.  Thankfully for me I’ve got plenty of beer and bubbles to get me through the next few days.  The best part?  When I’m done with the bottles of bubbles I can clobber him in the head with the empties.  Hurray!

The other awesome part of vacation is taking a look at the local wildlife.  And let me tell you something, there’s a lot of nice wildlife to look at here.  A lot.  Some of it is local, and some of it is not.

I’d like for you please to enjoy my waiter from yesterday’s lunch.  He was even more delicious than the clam chowder, and that clam chowder was pretty amazing:

The quality of the picture kind of sucks.  That’s my bad.  But I really tried to get a good shot.  At one point, my covert plans almost failed when the damn flash went off.  Thankfully, I realized what was about to happen and covered the camera with my hand.  I’m so clever sometimes.

Power to My Fist Hitting Your Mouth

23 Aug

My uncle is so freaking annoying it’s not even funny.  The mere act of hearing him breathe makes me want to wrap my hands around his neck and squeeze until he turns blue.  Annoying.  And aren’t I the lucky one for having the joy and pleasure of getting trapped on vacation with him.  He sucks.  He sucks big gigantic dog balls.  Huge ones.

I know that you all love it when I suffer, and so I will share a wonderful example of how he made me suffer today.  It’s because I care.

So here we are on Martha’s Vineyard for the week, and as luck would have it, the weather sucks.  Most of the day was rainy and super windy.  So windy, in fact, that the power went out in a few places.  We happened to walk into one storm about 10 minutes after the power went out.  He wanted an espresso.  Espresso machines don’t work when there’s no power.  Common knowledge.  At least you would think so.

  • Me: There’s not going to be any espresso here, the power is out.
  • Douche Uncle: But maybe we can get some espresso.
  • Me: Actually, no, we can’t.
  • Douche Uncle: They don’t sell it here?
  • Me: They do, but there’s no power?
  • Douche Uncle:  Why? [last time I checked I wasn’t an electrician.]
  • Me: Um, because of the storm?
  • Douche Uncle: You think the storm knocked out the power? [and I’m also not a weather girl.]
  • Me: I think so.  I’m not sure?
  • Douche Uncle: If it wasn’t the storm, what else could it be?
  • Me: No idea.
  • Douche Uncle: When will the power go back on?
  • Me: I have no idea.
  • Douche Uncle: You think they’ll have it on in the next 10 minutes?
  • Me: I have no idea.
  • Douche Uncle: Well, maybe we can ask them to make us an espresso anyway.
  • Me: No, we can’t.  You need electricity to power up an espresso machine and there is no power here.
  • Douche Uncle: You don’t think we should ask?
  • Me: No, I don’t.  How else would you get a freaking espresso machine to work?  Last time I checked there was no such thing as a hand cranked espresso machine.
  • Douche Uncle: Maybe we can just wait until the power is back on.
  • Me: No, we’re leaving.

How fucking stupid do you have to be?

Shattered Dreams

21 Aug

Johnny Hates Jazz, where are you when I need you?

This morning I got up at the ass crack of dawn.  Partly because my mother was snoring and partly because I had committed to dragging my fat ass to the gym.  I crawled out of bed at 6:15 in the morning (on my first day of vacation), grabbed my phone and keys, then headed out to the car for my sneakers.  On the way back into the building something tragic happened, something so horrible that it’s difficult for me to write this.

I was carrying my sneakers, socks, phone, keys, ipod and water bottle when I went for the door.  Suddenly, things started slipping from my hands.  It was like slow motion as they were free from my hand and I went after my most prized possession in the world: my iphone 4.  My hands were too slow to catch it and it hit the ground.  Hard.  Really hard.  So hard that the entire front of the phone shattered.  The screen looks like a damn spiderweb.

Best part?  Apple Protection Plan doesn’t cover it.

That means, I have to shell out at least $499 to get another one.  That’s a weekend in NYC.  Or a plan trip to England.  Or about 100 venti frappuccinos.  Or three really great pairs of shoes. 

I could fucking cry right now.