Guess who almost pooped her pants on Friday night??
That would be me!
No, it’s not because Office Adonis finally made his move (though I’m working on that) or because Boom Boom made me a Miralax Margarita as a little joke.
Three hot girls driving around in a brand spanking new SUV in Philadelphia at 1:00 in the morning. Two of these girls are drunk messes, one of these is a responsible young lass who cares so much about her drunk whore friends that she offered to drive home. And maybe part of the reason she wanted to drive home is because she’s got a touch of new car envy. Four blocks out of the parking lot and suddenly red and white lights and a big fat fucking siren pull out of nowhere.
The second I saw those in the rearview mirror I seriously felt my ass clench. I was sure that I was going to poo myself in Boom Boom’s sweet ride. How would that look if the cop made me get out of the car and I had a trail of poo down my leg? Not good, not good at all. As I was rifling through my bag, I started to recite the alphabet backwards. You know how freaking hard that is to do? I kept getting stuck after Z Y X. Who the hell can recite the alphabet backwards? I can’t do that shit sober, thank God I wasn’t drunk. Thank God.
I’m pretty sure that when the officer saw my face he caught that deer in the headlights look. I was ready to flash him my pearly whites, and maybe a boob. As is customary the officer asked, “Know why I pulled you over?”
Why do they ask you this question? What is the point here? A ton of stuff rolled through my mind. Did I run a stop sign? Had I turned down a One Way street? Had I killed a pedestrian and not even noticed? Maybe there was a warrant out for my arrest because I didn’t tip the nail technician at the salon earlier because she cut my toe nails so short that my toes hurt when they were exposed to wind. Or had he secretly been following us all along and he knew that I had been drinking earlier in the night? Were we going to have to give blowies to get out of this mess? What would my mom do if I called her from prison asking her to bail me out?
“No, officer, I don’t,” I responded while clenching my cheeks.
“Well, ma’am,” (not even a freaking miss), “you’re driving with your headlights off.”
Um, duh. In my defense, I would just like to remind everyone that this was my first time driving the car. Then again, one of the fundamental lessons I learned 20 freaking years ago when I started driving was that you have to turn your lights on when it’s dark.
Instead, what I remember from those classes is that the most dangerous time to drive is 15 minutes after it rains because the oil on the road comes to the surface AND if you stop behind a school bus, you have to stop 15 feet away.