Archive | July, 2010

Ring! Ring! It’s the Clue Phone!

30 Jul

Ah, the wonderful joys of dating in a new city.  Shoot me now.  It’s been three months since I moved to Philly, and two months since I took the plunge and signed up for voldematch.com.  Good times, good times.  Man do you have to week through some frogs to get to that prince.  There are some really nice guys, I just haven’t found them yet.

I did, however, go out on a date a few weeks back…and I kept it from you.  I WITHHELD INFORMATION!  Can you believe I did that to you?  God, I’m such a bitch.  You’ll be happy to know that you didn’t miss much.  It was three hours of sitting at Starbucks listening to this guy rattle on about engineering and sailing.  Really nice guy but there was less than no spark.  If a negative spark exists, we had it.  Seriously, zero chemistry.  Nice guy, I’m sure that he’ll be a great catch for someone, it’s just not going to be me.  He was a little awkward and it made me a little uncomfortable when he would make some lame jokes.  I wanted to fake laugh but couldn’t bring myself to do it.

When I left I thought, “Peace out, dude!” and that would be it.  So wrong.

Here we are, a month later, I haven’t returned any of his six phone calls, four text messages, or three voldematch.com messages.  I guess I should have followed Boom Boom’s advice and just told him I wasn’t interested, however, in my mind after a three hour date, I didn’t owe him that.  Yeah, guess the no return of any contact wasn’t a strong enough hint.  Yesterday he sent me ANOTHER freaking message asking me what went wrong.

Really, dude?  Really?

So now I’m going to suck it up and respond to him.  I hate doing this since the laws of the world dictate that if someone doesn’t call you back it’s because they’re not interested.  Crap, here I go…

Matricide

29 Jul

I just spent a fucking hour and a fucking half with my mother on the fucking phone planning our fucking vacation.  She is so fucking infuriating sometimes.  She has a fucking computer at her fucking house but can’t fucking figure out how to fucking use it.  It’s really fucking annoying.

She was looking for information on conferences and she literally does this?

  • Mom: Did you look for “psychiatry travel seminars”?
  • Me: Yes, and 700 zillion things pop up, but only two are relevant.
  • Mom:  How about “travel seminars psychiatry”?
  • Me: Mom, changing the order of the words doesn’t change that most of the 7 zillion results are irrelevant.
  • Mom:  Just try it.
  • Me: Fine. Would you look at that?  Only 2 web pages are relevant.
  • Mom: How about “travel psychiatry seminars”?
  • Me: Are you kidding me?

I used every derivation of “travel”, “seminar” and “psychiatry” I could come up with.  Endless and pointless combinations. We went back and forth for 90 minutes only to go back to the first two fucking web pages I gave her at the beginning of the god damn conversation.  That’s 90 minutes I will never ever fucking get back.

Even Better than “Who’s on First”

29 Jul

I’m sitting here with Depeche Mode as we’re both “working” from home today.  The discussion turns to names and we begin discussing how much we both hate the name Bob.  Hate.  A lot.  Then we move on to the following:

  • Depeche Mode: I don’t like the name Bobby for a grown man.
  • Me: It’s kind of cute, not so bad.
  • Depeche Mode: Where do you stand on Robby?
  • Me: Ugh, hate that for an adult.
  • Depeche Mode: What about Robb with 2 b’s?
  • Me: That’s just stupid.
  • Depeche Mode: Yeah, I don’t get it.
  • Me: So where do you stand?  Are you 2 b’s or not 2 b’s.

That’s when I proceeded to laugh and laugh because I love stupid puns.  I was then promptly told by Depeche Mode not to do that at his table.

Shakespeare is rolling over in his grave right now.

God, I seriously crack myself up sometimes.

My Spicy Man Meat

29 Jul

I mentioned several weeks ago that my friends and I have decided that we are all too freaking fat and that exposing our bodies to tourists in Mexico would be unlawful and we’d immediately get sent to the States.  Operation Mexi Melt is in full swing, and everyone has been doing well.  Boom Boom and I have become dedicated to fitness.  Several times a week we drag our plump butts to the gym and work up a sweat.  Typically, the thought of this would make me feel like killing myself 12 times, however, I have found my inspiration: spicy man meat.

There is this dude that works at the gym that is seriously one of the hottest guys I have ever seen.  Ever.  In my life.  Ever.  Ever. Ever.

Ever.

Hottest dude ever.

In the world.

Ever.

This guy’s body is sick.  He’s tall, has just the right muscle tone, broad shoulders, great hair and  a tight ass.  Me want him. Unfortunately, his stupid tiny blond girlfriend is usually in tow.  I don’t know the girl, but I fucking hate her.  She is a whore. The luckiest whore in the world.  You can imagine my delight on Tuesday when I was sitting on the stationary bike, cursing my, when he suddenly appeared – without his girlfriend. I literally sat there for an hour and just gawked at him. I watched him run around the track, lift weights, sweat, and totally avoid eye contact.

I ended up moving to an elliptical that faces the track, and that’s when the magic happened: he started doing wunges (walking lunges, which are usually lamer than shit) right in front of me.  He was lunging so deep that his ball sack was practically hitting the floor.  It was so hot I almost fell off my elliptical.  I swear I had to go home and change out of my workout pants afterwards, creamy good times.

Hottest guy ever.

Just the Tip Tuesday (07/27/10)

27 Jul

I’m an 80’s girl at heart.  I was raised when the original Brat Pack ruled the roost.  I wore leg warmers and jelly shoes, and I pegged my jeans.  And I loved just about every single John Hughes movie ever made.  One of my all time faves was Some Kind of Wonderful.  There was just something about that fire crotch, Eric Stoltz in the lead.  Hot, like his fire crotch.

You can imagine my joy when he resurfaced last year in Caprica on Syfy.  Geeky nerd show?  Yes.  Did I watch every episode just because he was on it?  You bet!

I’ve only dated one fire crotch in my life, and he was all that fiery red, though he was fiery hot in the sack.  You can imagine my delight when I found a naked picture of Eric Stoltz.  Want to see what his fire crotch looks like?  You’re in luck! Keep on reading, but I warn you, there is some peen in that shot and you do NOT want to be accessing this at work.

You’re welcome.

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An Important Question for All Humanity

26 Jul

What the hell is up with dudes on match.com taking pictures of themselves shirtless in the bathroom?

Phamily Phun

23 Jul

After almost three months of living in Philly, my family has finally decided to come and visit me.  We’re all hanging out in Center City, staying at a swanky hotel.  It’s fancy, and I’m pretty sure someone will end up dead, and someone will end up in jail by the end of the trip.

So far, there’s been:

  • three fights
  • four tantrums (not all of them by children)
  • a little “accident” on the leather sofa in the hotel lobby

It’s all about keeping it klassy here.  My niece went ahead and peed all over the leather sofa right in the middle of the hotel lobby.  Know the best part?  It’s totally going to leave a massive stain.  Even better?  Three people have come by and sat on the pee soaked sofa.  Yeah!!

On top of that my mother decided it would be a great idea to skype my uncle from the lobby.  Yeah, she sat there for 20 minutes and yelled at the computer while other hotel guests walked by and gave her dirty looks.  It was awesome.

Now it’s 9:15 on a Friday night and we’re all back in our rooms and ready to go to bed.

I can only imagine what tomorrow may bring…

Just the Tip Tuesday (07/20/10)

20 Jul

Admit it.  Go ahead, I won’t be mad.  You totally thought I was going to skip another JTT, didn’t you?  You freaking did!  That’s okay.  I’m not mad.  Guess what?  I almost did…but then something extraordinary happened.  Something so magical and fantastic that it was worth a post.

People, for the first time in JTT history I am posting the pic of someone that has actually said hi to me.  For reals, yo!  I know!!  It’s so exciting!!

Okay, so the story…

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I spend the bulk of most days posting stupid stuff.  I tweet back and forth with my peeps and every once in awhile will tweet a celebrity even though I know that they probably don’t bother reading it.  Why do I do it?  I don’t know, probably because I’m freaking 12 years old.  Anyway, today I tweeted this: My attempt at Inception: @nathanfillion, you have a deep desire to just say hi to me. #inception.

Guess what?  He freaking tweeted back!!  And you know what?  I started sweating and almost peed myself because I’m 12.  He wrote, now sit down because this is super steamy, “@catherinette, hi.”  Couldn’t you just die??  Do you know what this means?  Do you??  Well, I guess it actually means nothing and he’s moved on, but to little old me it’s something special.  Will I become  a stalker?  Not likely, especially since Office Adonis is looking mighty fine and he’s just a few aisles away…but a girl can dream.

So, fine people, even though it’s a repeat, I’m going to go ahead and throw Nathan Fillion back on JTT because he completes me.

And now I’m going off to plan our imaginary wedding.  It’s going to be super romantic.