Archive | 1:08 pm

Swoonberries

2 Jun

It’s either the fantastic hair day I’m having or the fact that the girls have come out to play. One of those two is responsible for mr young secret boyfriend showing up at my desk. He attempted to convince me he needed help choosing a new format for a report, but I know better. There are 60 chicks around here and he chose to walk past six aisles to get to me. Forget that most if them are out at lunch. My opinions (boobs) matter to him.

Too bad I was reading an article on “Gothic Kittens” when be showed up at my desk. Could have been worse. This morning I walked around with a giant piece of blueberry stuck in my teeth. Thankfully, the other new girl told me. Otherwise hot guy would have definitely questioned my oral hygiene. That’s bad news bears right there. He’s never going to want to make out with me in the copy room if I have food in my teeth!!

Crisis averted.

Where Fat Whores Go To Die

2 Jun

I have found the place.  I really have.  Apparently, Philadelphia is a mecca for fat whores with bad taste.

No, that is not why I chose to move there.

It just so happens that the city of Philadelphia is welcoming me with open arms AND providing me with opportunities to mock.  Opportunities unlike Baltimore could possibly give me.  Sure, I miss the white trash dudes in long, white tank tops and jorts (jean shorts).  But how can I possibly not like Philly when it offers me something like this:

I’m not sure which I love more: the mullet or the back fat.  It’s really something.  The super crazy thing is that these two klassy ladies were dressed up.  Dressed up!!  I went to the Sex and the City release last Thursday with Boom Boom, Jersey Belle, and South Philly Fasionista.  It was pretty hilarious to see how some of the chicks at the movie had dressed up for the occasion.  It was like some of them pretended that they were actually in the movie.  Very unfortunate for them, but high mocking times for us.

Our favorite, by far, was not mullet girl.  Oh no, that chick had NOTHING on Nemo.

When we first spotted her during our uber fancy dinner at Pod, we laughed and laughed.  The poor whore walked in wearing a dress that was clearly not suited with her.  Along with this unflattering dress she carried a GIANT pink bag and a faded denim jacket from 1982.  Not attractive.  Upon closer inspection, we realized that her dress was COMPLETELY see through.  We had zero trouble seeing the gigantic granny panties she was wearing underneath.  The pink and white ones that matched her bag.

We spent most of dinner staring at her in utter horror and debating whether/not she had done that on purpose.  We also decided that none of the 20 girls sitting at her table were her friends.  She must have been a horrible person because no one mentioned to her that everyone could see everything that she was carrying underneath.

Everything.

God knows how we were able to stomach the entire meal.  Jersey Belle and I almost lost it when she bent down in front of us.  I see London, I see France.

Lucky for you, I took a pic.