Archive | June, 2010

A Mystery That May Never Be Solved

28 Jun

What on God’s green earth possesses dogs to steal dirty panties from the laundry basket and chew on them?

Disgusting little beasts!

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23 Jun

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A Telltale Sign Your Cousin Is A Worthless Little Bitch

21 Jun

Need a quick way to tell if your cousin is a worthless dirty bitch??  I have the perfect way!  Next time your uncle is in the Intensive Care Unit on the cusp of death, you can find out.  If she visits for 10 minutes and then insists she has to leave because her flamenco instructor, she’s a whore.

OR, if she offers to take your uncle’s dog and the housekeeper to the house because her cook is on vacation and she needs someone to cook for the family, she’s a whore.

OR, if her brother gives her money to pay her uncle’s bills and instead she uses that money to pay your uncle’s housekeeper for being her cook, she’s a whore.

Guess what?  My cousin is a whore.

Rape Me In My Thighs

17 Jun

I think I broke something laughing at this.  And I may have peed on the ouch a little…

Never Take Dating Advice from Depeche Mode

17 Jun

Tonight I got my very first text message from a dude on match.com.  Taking Depeche Mode’s advice, I responded.  Pretty sure that taking his advice made this the ONLY text message that I’ll receive from this dude.

  • Match Dude: Hey, it’s [fake name].  Match.
  • Me: Game.  Set.

Hello?  Anyone?  Anyone?

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17 Jun

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Stranger Things Have Happened

16 Jun

Um…yeah, so remember yesterday when I wrote that sappy little post about my uncle and how the family was in crisis and he was dying of a broken heart and I was going to have to hop on a plane any second because he was dying?

False alarm…

Turns out the damn doctors were giving him too many fluids and had jacked up his medication.  I spoke with my mother this morning and again this afternoon and she told me that she can’t believe how well he is doing.  Today was the first day since last Thursday when he ate on his own and was able to walk around a bit.  He still has a long way to go, but it looks like he’s going to make it.  My mom said she sees that he’s really trying to make an effort and she says that he seems better than when he came to visit us a few months ago.

Thank you for the well wishes and the kind words.

Crisis averted, we may now go back to mocking and fawning all over my hot secret boyfriend.