Archive | June, 2010

A Mystery That May Never Be Solved

28 Jun

What on God’s green earth possesses dogs to steal dirty panties from the laundry basket and chew on them?

Disgusting little beasts!

Protected: What do Greek Gods Like to Eat?

23 Jun

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A Telltale Sign Your Cousin Is A Worthless Little Bitch

21 Jun

Need a quick way to tell if your cousin is a worthless dirty bitch??  I have the perfect way!  Next time your uncle is in the Intensive Care Unit on the cusp of death, you can find out.  If she visits for 10 minutes and then insists she has to leave because her flamenco instructor, she’s a whore.

OR, if she offers to take your uncle’s dog and the housekeeper to the house because her cook is on vacation and she needs someone to cook for the family, she’s a whore.

OR, if her brother gives her money to pay her uncle’s bills and instead she uses that money to pay your uncle’s housekeeper for being her cook, she’s a whore.

Guess what?  My cousin is a whore.

Rape Me In My Thighs

17 Jun

I think I broke something laughing at this.  And I may have peed on the ouch a little…

Never Take Dating Advice from Depeche Mode

17 Jun

Tonight I got my very first text message from a dude on  Taking Depeche Mode’s advice, I responded.  Pretty sure that taking his advice made this the ONLY text message that I’ll receive from this dude.

  • Match Dude: Hey, it’s [fake name].  Match.
  • Me: Game.  Set.

Hello?  Anyone?  Anyone?

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17 Jun

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Stranger Things Have Happened

16 Jun

Um…yeah, so remember yesterday when I wrote that sappy little post about my uncle and how the family was in crisis and he was dying of a broken heart and I was going to have to hop on a plane any second because he was dying?

False alarm…

Turns out the damn doctors were giving him too many fluids and had jacked up his medication.  I spoke with my mother this morning and again this afternoon and she told me that she can’t believe how well he is doing.  Today was the first day since last Thursday when he ate on his own and was able to walk around a bit.  He still has a long way to go, but it looks like he’s going to make it.  My mom said she sees that he’s really trying to make an effort and she says that he seems better than when he came to visit us a few months ago.

Thank you for the well wishes and the kind words.

Crisis averted, we may now go back to mocking and fawning all over my hot secret boyfriend.

15 Jun

I believe that people know when it’s time for them to go.  There are those of us that know that we have over stayed our welcome and may leave a party too late, or may be asked to leave.  But when it really matters, when it’s really time, we just know it.

The last time my grandmother came to stay with us, she knew she was going to die.  She had packed up her room leaving nothing behind, and when she arrived at our house, she gave us every picture she owned.  She told us that she didn’t need them anymore.  I thought she was being silly and told her so, and she said to me, “I’m going to die soon.”  I told her not to say that, and three months later she was gone.

Several months ago, my uncle’s wife left him.  She was much younger than he and decided she wanted to be with a younger man.  Never mind that he had left his family long ago for her, or that they had been together for ten years.  She just wanted someone younger.  Perhaps the thought of having to take care of someone in his 70’s was too much for her.  Perhaps she’s just a total bitch – this is what I’m sticking with.  When she left, he had nothing.  We found out that she had been the one supporting him.

He had no money, no wife, and could no longer afford his apartment.  A few weeks after we found out that she was leaving him, he began giving away all of his things.  He stopped making plans far out in advance.  The joy in his life was just gone.  You could see it in his face, you could hear it in his voice.  When my mother told me that she thought he was preparing for his death, I told her that she was being silly.  I truly believed that he was just going through a dark time and would be able to get past it.

He was admitted to the hospital a week ago Saturday, and his health has quickly deteriorated.  From what I hear from my mother, it seems like he’s just lost the will to fight.  My mother and my cousins want to keep fighting for him, but he has totally disengaged.  He’s slowly slipping away, he’s ready to go.

My uncle and I have had a tumultuous relationship for years.  I would in no way describe our relationship as close, yet knowing that he’s just given up makes me sad.  He’s 74 years old, that doesn’t seem so old to me anymore.  My grandmother was 83 when she died, my grandfather 86.  My mother and my cousins hate his now ex wife for what she had done to him.  They believe that she is at fault for everything.  She probably is.

When I spoke with my mother this afternoon she told me they were moving him to intensive care.  She asked me to fly down there to be with her.  I leave tomorrow or Thursday for Mexico City.  I doubt that he’ll make it until then.  At this point in my life, it’s difficult for me to grasp why he has given up.  Then again, I can’t imagine loving anyone so much that I would die without him.  He is dying of a broken heart.