Call of the Wild

22 Mar

My mom’s house is out in the country.  On most nights there are deer that will parade through her yard, and every summer they eat her hostas.  She sees all kinds of birds, and – of course – there are tons and tons of bugs.  For the most part she enjoys the little animal creatures that she shares her home with.

The one exception is the bats.  Ever since she moved into her house she’s had several encounters with bats.  Personally, I LOVE the stories.  She, on the other hand, could be brought to tears when we talk about bats.  The only one that has been more traumatized than my mom is my sister.  My sister got really up close and personal with a bat one time.  There was the time that my sister took a shower with a bat and then proceeded to freak the fuck out when she realized the bat was in there with her.  Then there was the time that she saw a bat wing sweeping out from under her closet door.  Some bat specialist had to come out and take the bat away.  He told my sister that the bat had been hanging out in one of her shoes – but refused to tell her which shoe it was in. 

My mom has been nice enough to drag other people into the mix when she’s needed help with the bats.  There was an occassion when Un-boyfriend and my brother-in-law had to go over to take a bat out of the house.  Somehow they managed to get it into a tupperware.  They stepped outside, and my mother and sister locked the door behind them.  Both my brother-in-law and Un-boyfriend figured that the bat would just fly away if they threw it out of the tupperware.  When they threw the poor bat, it landed on the ground and started hissing at them.  They ran screaming like little schoolgirls to the front of the house so my mom and sister would let them in.

My sister’s encounters with wild life haven’t been limited to just bats.  She’s had all sorts of fun times with nature at my mom’s house.  Another time she was attacked by bees in the woods behind the forest.  Another time she was walking the dogs in the woods and they came across a deer that had broken its leg.  The dogs proceeded to attack the poor thing while it screamed its little deer screams.  My sister had to run to a neighbor’s house who ended up going out to the woods and shooting the deer. 

Yeah, I think I’ll stick to crazy neighbors.  Fuck the woods.

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10 Responses to “Call of the Wild”

  1. Del-V March 22, 2010 at 3:55 pm #

    When I was a kid I had a friend who was riding his bike home from school and a bat flew into his jacket and bit him a bunch of times. He had to get dozens of painful rabies shots. I’ve been freaked out by bats ever since.

    I thought you were just joking and you were going to say that guy was now a vampire. That would totally freak me out too. -CS

  2. jon March 22, 2010 at 6:37 pm #

    This story is more than a little batty.

  3. Mimi March 22, 2010 at 8:44 pm #

    I grew up in the Delta, my dad’s a cotton farmer. That’s country living for you… Bats are great though because they eat a shit ton of bugs and mosquitos! But yes I will agree I would NOT want one in the shower with me or in my shoe. No surprise attacks. My parents tell me occassionally their dogs will bring deer legs to the house and then keep like the femur as a chew toy. Seriously. So weird. I bet everyone that reads this is going to be like wtf?

  4. Allie March 22, 2010 at 9:35 pm #

    a) I don’t care for bats

    b) I love all animals (in general, even though I don’t care for bats) but I prefer cats over dogs. They would not attack a broken-legged deer. A mouse? Yes. But do you want a mouse in your house? No.

    c) I agree: Fuck the woods, I’ll take my crazy-ass neighbors (who live on all sides of me) any day.

  5. sistah March 22, 2010 at 10:58 pm #

    what she forgot to mention is that today there was a freaky scratching noise coming from the wood burning stove in the dining room of that god damned house. i turns out two birds were trapped in there. She also forgot to mention the rabid raccoon I had to keep the dogs away from. Oh, and I saw no mention of the time there was a snake right outside the door who was half way done swallowing a live frog, it was still kicking. I HATE WILDLIFE THAT IS ANYWHERE NEAR ME! YOU HEAR ME? I HATE IT!

    • sistah March 22, 2010 at 11:03 pm #

      I FUCKING HATE IT!

  6. Kiki Walter March 23, 2010 at 2:14 am #

    I really shouldn’t be…but I am effing cry-laughing. Snorted out loud at the boys running and screaming like little sissy girls, and when I got to the part about the poor little deer, I totally lost it. Not that it’s funny, and I TOTTTTTALLY feel for your sister…I’d be the same way. But the way you told it was pretty freaking funny. I love stories about your mother. They make me happy.

  7. KiKi March 23, 2010 at 2:17 am #

    OK — WTF? I am a moron. Was messing around with the possibility of a different blog and was still logged into it when I left that comment. *sigh*

    That comment above was me.

    Blonde moment.

    You’re lucky I care. I fixed it and now no one will ever know about this secret blog of yours that you better invite me to or I’ll expose you to the world for what you are: a dirty whore. -CS

    xo

    • KiKi March 23, 2010 at 1:04 pm #

      Takes one to know one, slutface! xoxox 🙂

  8. Emily March 25, 2010 at 10:41 am #

    Oh, thanks for the laughs! I agree with KiKi, I was laughing so hard I was crying. You do spin a story very well.

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