A Not-So-Happy Meal

19 Mar

The other day my girlfriend, The Staunch Republican (TSR), went on a date.  The dude that she had the date with invited her over to his house for dinner.  We were all pulling for her and hoping that she’d get a little something-something for her troubles.  She was a little skeptical that the only reason that he had invited her over was so he could molest her, but we told her to have some faith.  After all, isn’t it so nice that he offered to make her dinner? 

Come on, that’s kind of sweet.  What girl won’t melt a little for a dude that knows his way around the kitchen?  It’s almost as hot as someone who knows his way around vagina.  I’d be the first to admit that I would happily invite Tyler Florence and/or Bobby Flay into my bedroom.  They’re hot like fire AND they can cook.  Mama likey.

Unfortunately, this dude went with THE cop out meal.  I’m pretty sure there’s some class in high school or college all dudes attend where they’re taught to make chicken parm.  How freaking hard is it?  Chicken breast, pasta sauce, freaking cheese – bake in oven.  COP OUT MEAL!  I think every single freaking guy I’ve ever dated has made it for me at one time or another.  And I’m pretty sure I can guarantee that I didn’t touch their wiener on the night of said meal.

Dudes, listen to me here.  LISTEN CLOSELY: learn to make something other than chicken parm.  You can grill us a steak or make some fish or something.  And for god’s sake, if you offer us any Ramen or mac ‘n cheese we are walking out the door before you get to meet Vageena Davis. 

Do it for your peen: learn to cook.


14 Responses to “A Not-So-Happy Meal”

  1. Wynn March 19, 2010 at 10:34 am #

    Chicken parm sounds really really dull. Never had it. Good thing I’m guessing. And yes, dudes that can cook and actually think it’s enjoyable = POINTS. Mostly because I think cooking is friggin BORING, but anyways. I can put out to even out the score.

  2. Bored Housewife March 19, 2010 at 10:51 am #

    Do it for your peen. Wiser words were never spoken.

  3. Firstdateonly March 19, 2010 at 12:11 pm #

    Agreed! Though I can’t say any guy has cooked chicken parm for me as I’m a (fish-eating) vegetarian. Somehow the whole *vegetarian* thing really seems to perplex most guys and very few have had the courage to cook for me. As if excluding one possible group of ingredients makes cooking more difficult, somehow.

  4. carissa March 19, 2010 at 12:23 pm #

    Sooooo true. The other go to is Spaghetti. Eh.

  5. jon March 19, 2010 at 12:27 pm #

    Cath is right-on here.

    Bangers and Mash, Pound Cake, Hard Rolls, Sticky Buns, Rump Roast, Head Cheese, Nutter Butter, Banana Split, Kumquats, Jerk Chicken, Nut Roll, Conch Fritters, Spicy Tuna Roll
    and Hot Buttered Crumpets…..Anything but…….Cop Out Chicken Parma. If only peen had ears or could read.

  6. jon'speen March 19, 2010 at 12:27 pm #

    This is very good advice! I love when he makes his Linguine with Clams.

  7. jon March 19, 2010 at 12:28 pm #


  8. lster921 March 19, 2010 at 1:08 pm #

    I can up you one –
    I am a chef AND I do dishes.
    Jeni likes it PLENTY!!!!

  9. Chef Green March 19, 2010 at 1:17 pm #

    I think you’ve just had a bad experience with chicken parm. Real chicken parm is lovely and I’d totes suck off the guy that made it for me.

  10. Skylers Dad March 19, 2010 at 2:36 pm #

    I’m not a very good cook, could I just come over and clean your grout instead?

  11. HookdnTX March 19, 2010 at 2:45 pm #

    I hate when there is only 1 dish a guy can cook. The 5th time a man makes anything for me on his night to cook, I say game over.

  12. Allie March 19, 2010 at 5:52 pm #

    Yeah, I agree with one of the above commenters: Never had chicken parm. Never attempted to make it either (though I’m sure it’s super-easy), all because it sounds dull, dull, dull. How hard is it to find a decent recipe? I’m not a great cook so I look up recipes from people who actually can. Hell, boys, look into Rachael Ray’s freaking 30 minute meals or whatever.

    Not rocket science.

  13. Del-V March 22, 2010 at 8:12 am #

    I love watching the Food Network. Giada has some great ideas, and she’s always titting around the kitchen. It’s a perfect gateway food show for men.

  14. rockman March 22, 2010 at 10:37 am #

    I made shrimp creole the first time i cooked for my wife. Didn’t know she didn’t like shirmp, but it got me laid anyway and were still together.

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