Archive | 3:03 pm

Overboard? More like Over-whored!

19 Mar

You know those movies that you can just watch over and over and over again?  The ones that never get old and that remain forever funny?  For some reason, Overboard – that cheesy 1987 movie with Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn – is one of those movies to me.

That scene where he picks her up from the hospital and she’s in the back of the truck and says, “I think I just swallowed a bug” is hilarious.  Or how about when she’s trying to clean up and the chainsaw goes all crazy on her and then the kids throw grapes at her?  Priceless.  It’s a classic and we should all just accept it.

For some reason, probably because they can’t come up with any new ideas, Hollywood has decided to remake the film.  Only this time they’re going to fuck it up before it even starts.  Rumor has it that Jennifer Lopez – the Hollywood “star” that looks like a cleaning lady is going to star in the film.  WHAT?

Jennifer Lopez??

Why?  She fucking sucks!!  Go ahead and name one movie where she was funny (and not because her acting was so bad that it was funny but because she was supposed to be funny).  You can’t, can you?  Know why?  There’s no such movie!! 

How can you go from Goldie Hawn to Jennifer Lopez??

The only thing worse that they could have done was pick Beyonce to star in it.

Stupid Jennifer Lopez.  I hate you.

A Not-So-Happy Meal

19 Mar

The other day my girlfriend, The Staunch Republican (TSR), went on a date.  The dude that she had the date with invited her over to his house for dinner.  We were all pulling for her and hoping that she’d get a little something-something for her troubles.  She was a little skeptical that the only reason that he had invited her over was so he could molest her, but we told her to have some faith.  After all, isn’t it so nice that he offered to make her dinner? 

Come on, that’s kind of sweet.  What girl won’t melt a little for a dude that knows his way around the kitchen?  It’s almost as hot as someone who knows his way around vagina.  I’d be the first to admit that I would happily invite Tyler Florence and/or Bobby Flay into my bedroom.  They’re hot like fire AND they can cook.  Mama likey.

Unfortunately, this dude went with THE cop out meal.  I’m pretty sure there’s some class in high school or college all dudes attend where they’re taught to make chicken parm.  How freaking hard is it?  Chicken breast, pasta sauce, freaking cheese – bake in oven.  COP OUT MEAL!  I think every single freaking guy I’ve ever dated has made it for me at one time or another.  And I’m pretty sure I can guarantee that I didn’t touch their wiener on the night of said meal.

Dudes, listen to me here.  LISTEN CLOSELY: learn to make something other than chicken parm.  You can grill us a steak or make some fish or something.  And for god’s sake, if you offer us any Ramen or mac ‘n cheese we are walking out the door before you get to meet Vageena Davis. 

Do it for your peen: learn to cook.