Catherinette: Risk Taker

10 Mar

Fuck jumping out of a perfectly good airplane or off a bridge.  Forget being set up on a blind date or driving without a seat belt.  I’m doing something that would make my mamacita proud.  In fact, I think she’ll cry when I tell her about it later today.

What’s the big risk I’m taking?  I’m eating peanut butter that expired 6 months ago.  That’s right!  I’m living on the fucking edge!!  I’m staring food poisoning right in the face and saying, “Fuck you, food poisoning.  Fuck you in your stupid ass.”

There’s nothing wrong with the peanut butter, it’s fine.  In fact, I had some yesterday too and I didn’t get sick.  I’m not scared of a stupid little expiration date.  It’s not like it’s dairy products or condoms.

Speaking of condoms, I threw out 8 perfectly good ones yesterday morning.  I should have known when I bought them that it would all go to shit and they’d end up in the garbage.  You see, fine readers, condoms and I have a tumultuous relationship.  I buy a 3 pack and things go grand.  The second I buy a 12 pack everything goes up in flames and 9 end up in my bedside drawer mocking me for years. 

I know that some of you are immediately rushing off to check the peen counter.  Well, don’t get too excited.  I bought those condoms back in 2008.  Yeah, that’s a long time ago.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to this expired peanut butter.

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7 Responses to “Catherinette: Risk Taker”

  1. Del-V March 10, 2010 at 12:06 pm #

    I’m that way with produce. I buy it because I’m trying to be healthy. Then it sits in my fridge until it turns to a brown pile of slime and I throw it out… only to buy more the next time I go to the store.

    Don’t feel bad about throwing away the rubbers. It’s better to throw out 9 condoms than to throw a baby in a dumpster like it’s prom night.

  2. jon March 10, 2010 at 12:58 pm #

    Are you saying that living on the edge would not be of an issue with your mother if you just ate peenut butter more often?

  3. Julie March 10, 2010 at 1:52 pm #

    hahahah this killed me. I NEVER keep them. 1. it keeps me out of trouble so i HAVE to think twice about hopping in the sack (and i don’t have a bf right now) and 2. i feel weird keeping a stash…it’s weird…

    i am so weird when it comes to food! I won’t eat leftovers after two days! ahh

  4. maria March 10, 2010 at 2:01 pm #

    Ah living on the edge =) sounds fun. Sweetie don’t feel so bad about not having peen in a while, I have went without sex for 4 years now!! That is what happens when your boyfreind is in the military.

  5. Tabbie March 10, 2010 at 6:40 pm #

    1st- Food has expiration dates listed for a good reason. Sweet lord, 6 months? I would do it maybe if it was within a week… oy.

    2nd- DelV’s comment is disturbing.

  6. Moiii March 10, 2010 at 10:48 pm #

    So, what did your mom say? I have problems eating things that are a day overdue. I’m not even a germophobe.

  7. Karishma Sundaram March 14, 2010 at 9:56 am #

    So, um, yeah.. Hi!

    I think your blog is hilarious, so I gave you an award.

    http://beingtongueincheeky.blogspot.com/2010/03/presentation-ceremony.html

    Hope you like it.

    PS: Please don’t die of food poisoning. I would grieve.

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