Archive | 9:39 am

Catherinette: Risk Taker

10 Mar

Fuck jumping out of a perfectly good airplane or off a bridge.  Forget being set up on a blind date or driving without a seat belt.  I’m doing something that would make my mamacita proud.  In fact, I think she’ll cry when I tell her about it later today.

What’s the big risk I’m taking?  I’m eating peanut butter that expired 6 months ago.  That’s right!  I’m living on the fucking edge!!  I’m staring food poisoning right in the face and saying, “Fuck you, food poisoning.  Fuck you in your stupid ass.”

There’s nothing wrong with the peanut butter, it’s fine.  In fact, I had some yesterday too and I didn’t get sick.  I’m not scared of a stupid little expiration date.  It’s not like it’s dairy products or condoms.

Speaking of condoms, I threw out 8 perfectly good ones yesterday morning.  I should have known when I bought them that it would all go to shit and they’d end up in the garbage.  You see, fine readers, condoms and I have a tumultuous relationship.  I buy a 3 pack and things go grand.  The second I buy a 12 pack everything goes up in flames and 9 end up in my bedside drawer mocking me for years. 

I know that some of you are immediately rushing off to check the peen counter.  Well, don’t get too excited.  I bought those condoms back in 2008.  Yeah, that’s a long time ago.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to this expired peanut butter.