Archive | 9:32 pm

You Are A Disgusting Pig and You Should Be Punished

1 Mar

I’m a geek at heart.  I listen to NPR, I have a mad crush on Ira Glass, and sometimes for kicks I watch Nova.  The one thing I won’t do is listen to Car Talk.  Those guys are annoying as sin and the only people that like them are the same ones that like to lecture people about the difference between the original Star Trek and The Next Generation.  (That’s right, Foxy, that was a total dig on you.)

Another geeky habit I have is listening to audio books on car trip.  No, I don’t listen to stupid self help books or anything that Oprah has on her reading list.  I prefer to listen to a good mystery.  It makes the time go by so much faster.

As luck would have it, I’m going to be trapped in my car for about four to five hours tomorrow.  Why?  It doesn’t matter, trust me, you don’t care.  What you do care about is the disgusting pig that was at the library this afternoon when I went to pick up my audio book.  Yes, I go to the library – another thing that makes me a geek.

There I was, minding my own business while perusing the shelves for just the right audio book when my innocent ears were assaulted by a disgusting pig.  This guy had to be in his mid 40’s and could easily stand to fast for at least two weeks.  He was either waiting for a computer to become available, or he was resting because the act of looking for a book was too exhausting for him (lazy pig).  He was sitting ten feet away, quietly sweating in his chair, when all of a sudden he burped.

Wait, let me rephrase that, it wasn’t a burp, it was a belch.  A BELCH!  A loud belch that shook the floor.  For a second I thought that we were about to face the same type of natural disaster recently experienced in Haiti and Chile.  His belch was so loud that it shook the floor.  “Disgusting,” I said out loud.  In response, he belched louder.  I quickly moved away for fear that he might do it again and that he might throw up on him.  A normal person doesn’t burp like that.  This one sounded like something was going to burst forth from his body: like a fucking dragon or the Grim Reaper himself.

You know the worst part?  Even though I had moved further away, I could actually smell the burp.  That, my friends, is fucking nasty.