Archive | January, 2010

What a Waste of Money

22 Jan

$3653.  That’s how much money I spent on food in 2009.  That doesn’t include all of my groceries.  Factor that money in and you’re talking close to $5000.  I’m not fat enough to have consumed 4 mortgage payments worth of food.  RIDICULOUS!

In mid 2008 I signed up for an awesome website that tracks spending.  Figured it would be a good way to help me stop throwing my money away on stupid shit.  At the beginning of this year I decided to take a look at how I spent my money.  Yeah, not pleased at all.  When I saw that I had eaten food that equated to half a boob job, I decided to reign in my spending.  So far, so good.  Last year, on average, I spent about $100 a month on food for lunch at work.  This year?  I’ve spent $20.

So what do I go and do?  I make 3 reservations for Baltimore Restaurant Week.  I’m going out tonight, tomorrow night, and Tuesday night.  That’ll be almost $50 per night.  God damn it food, why do you tempt me like this?

But it’s not like I could say no.  Not when my dinner dates include Jewcy Bits, Boom Boom, and a bunch of other whores I hang around with.  I just can’t say no to them.  That would be rude, right??

Obviously I’ll have to turn some extra tricks to make up for these stupid meals.

What the Hell Kind of Event is This??

21 Jan

People, it pays to think it through before you create an event like this:

Explain to me what one does during a “Bridal Tasting” event…?

It’s Little Moments Like These That Make Me Hate My Friends

21 Jan

[Email from Claude after I told him that I had to study for class]  What will you be studying?  How to properly file medical files alphabetically?  I don’t want to ruin the end of the course for you, but a patient with a last name starting with Z will be at the back of the file cabinet.

[Text message from Boom Boom]  God I wish I could speak Spanish so I knew what the cleaning people at work were saying.

Those 2 are total fuckers.

Are You a Douche Bag?

21 Jan

A recent study* conducted by a world renowned researcher has shown that people who back up into parking spaces are actually douche bags.  Many individuals who do this believe that they are saving themselves time back backing into the space.  This is not, in fact, correct.

Take, as an example, one person who had to keep backing up, pulling forward, then backing up, then pulling forward, then backing up again.  While that person was fooling around with their spot, the very fancy researcher had pulled into her spot and was already walking into the building.  In fact, I believe that said researcher was enjoying her first cup of coffee and checking important the morning news** while that d bag was still trying to back into the god damned parking space.

Another finding suggests that those who pull into spots will actually laugh at those that back into spots at grocery stores.  Apparently, watching those people who backed into their spot realize that they can’t get to the trunk of the car to load the groceries provides a sense of joy to those that pull into spots.

*This scientific study was conducted by me this morning in the parking garage.
**News as featured on Perez Hilton.

Protected: A Haiku

20 Jan

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Just the Tip Tuesday (01/19/10)

19 Jan

Today sucks, it really does.  I half considered just skipping JTT, but then realized that it wasn’t fair of me to take out my shitty day on my fine and loyal readers.  That’s how much you mean to me.  You complete me.  You had me at, “hello.”  Blah, blah, etc., blah.

Anyone catch the series premiere of “Human Target” last night?  Or maybe the night before?  I can’t remember, the days just kind of blend into one long and pointless day.  Anyway, the show left something to be desired, but the main character is hot and spicy.  Mark Valley, ladies and gentlemen.

Look familiar?  That’s because this poor dude has tried to find a hit show for years.  For a few years he played Jack on “Days of Our Lives.”  He sucked in it, mainly because the original Jack was better.  Then he was on “Fringe” for a hot second.  He’s been in other stuff too, but who cares?   I don’t have time to go and look at all the stuff he’s done because I’m busy suffering at work.

I hope you’re happy.

I hope you’re happy now.

Protected: Hookers Make More Than I Do

14 Jan

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How to Help

13 Jan

Every once in awhile, I put the snark away and do a serious post.

Haiti has been devestated by the recent earthquake which has impacted millions of people.  There are ways to help. MSNBC recently ran an article with a list to charitable organizations that were sending donations to Haiti.

Here’s the link to the article:

Do you really need that six pack of beer?  Probably not. 

Before you tell me I should put my money where my mouth is (which is how I usually earn my living behind the Safeway), let me tell you that I already did.  I donated to UNICEF.