Now Accepting Applications

29 Jan

I’m considering putting up a sign like that in my car.  No, I’m not looking for someone to help me reset the peen counter*.  Rather, I’m looking for a date. 

Last Friday I received the invitation to Un-boyfriend’s wedding.  It shocked me to see that they had made it out to Catherinette Singleton and Guest.  AND GUEST??  What the fuck is that about??  I never take an “and Guest” to a wedding anymore.  In fact, about half the time that I used to take “and Guest” to a wedding, it was Un-boyfriend.  Pretty damn sure he’s going to be unavailable to go with me to his own wedding.

I immediately sent a text message to Claude because I knew that he and I would have a JOYOUS time there.  Mainly because we could mock the bride and everyone else.  Well guess what?  That dirty bastard already has plans.  God damn it, Claude.  GOD DAMN IT!!

You know what I realized?  I have ZERO single male friends that I want to go with.  Not.  One.  Single.  One.  NONE! 

So what the fuck am I supposed to do?  Of all the weddings in the world, this is one that I’d really like to go to with some handsome stud on my arm.  So, fine readers, I turn to you.  Help a sister out here: help me find that handsome, charming stud who will mock the bride with me. 

Who the hell am I going to take??

*OK, who am I kidding?  I’m ALWAYS looking for someone to help me reset that damn counter.  Every second that ticks by is one second closer to me being an old maid.  I think I need to get myself a bonnet and I need to learn how to knit.  Don’t old maids do those kinds of things?  Hmm…might have to start getting into “The View” and “Matlock” too.

8 Responses to “Now Accepting Applications”

  1. Sarah P. January 29, 2010 at 10:13 am #

    um, hellooooo, ask Mr. Hot Client who wants you and doesn’t stare at your boobs and LOVES you!!! All he can say is “no”. Big deal. ASK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    He would make a GREAT date. Only problem is that he lives on the otherside of the country. Pretty sure he’s not going to fly out here to go to a wedding with me. I’m sure his wife would not approve. -CS

  2. Del-V January 29, 2010 at 12:20 pm #

    Hey – I thought I was your handsome single male freind!

    You’re going to have to change your name to George Clooney and I need you to be a doctor. -CS

  3. Bored Housewife January 29, 2010 at 12:32 pm #

    Get a rental. Less hassle, and a sure thing.

    I wonder if Dermot Mulroney is available? -CS

  4. Wendy Steiner January 29, 2010 at 1:13 pm #

    My first time posting here and I so empathize with you with all the travails of mankind and weddings, ugh…esp. former flames. Hmmm, have you tried a good old-fashioned “love spell” casting out to the universe your ideal man? I know a few good tricks if you’re interested..(cackling like a naughty witch) of course nothing manipulative, simply to possibly draw in what you want ; )

    Love spell?? What love spell? I’m intrigued. Tell me more. -CS

  5. Jormengrund January 29, 2010 at 5:08 pm #

    I don’t know about your standards, but I’d suggest Disney. Since Claude’s busy, your next best bet for some comic relief at the fiasco has GOT to be Disney.

    At least then he’ll be making more fun about un-boyfriend and his bride than you..

    Well, at least until the drive back home, that is…

  6. hanmee January 30, 2010 at 4:04 pm #

    How about taking a female friend? You can still have fun mocking them at least, and perhaps even run into some dating candidates there?

  7. Jewcy Bits January 30, 2010 at 4:04 pm #

    Good news! I am available. I mean sure, we’ll have to pretend to be lesbians but considering all of those “experiences” you had in college, I can’t imagine anyone would be surprised. Oh and you can be the “butch.”

    You’re welcome.

  8. Seema Fausel January 31, 2010 at 8:58 am #

    Awsome I never new that.

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