Are You a Douche Bag?

21 Jan

A recent study* conducted by a world renowned researcher has shown that people who back up into parking spaces are actually douche bags.  Many individuals who do this believe that they are saving themselves time back backing into the space.  This is not, in fact, correct.

Take, as an example, one person who had to keep backing up, pulling forward, then backing up, then pulling forward, then backing up again.  While that person was fooling around with their spot, the very fancy researcher had pulled into her spot and was already walking into the building.  In fact, I believe that said researcher was enjoying her first cup of coffee and checking important the morning news** while that d bag was still trying to back into the god damned parking space.

Another finding suggests that those who pull into spots will actually laugh at those that back into spots at grocery stores.  Apparently, watching those people who backed into their spot realize that they can’t get to the trunk of the car to load the groceries provides a sense of joy to those that pull into spots.

*This scientific study was conducted by me this morning in the parking garage.
**News as featured on Perez Hilton.

14 Responses to “Are You a Douche Bag?”

  1. Jenna January 21, 2010 at 9:43 am #

    I keep trying to convince my friend of this, because he’s always backing in, thinks it proves his skill as a driver or some nonsense. Next time I’ll call him a douche bag and say it’s from a scientific study. I like that. 🙂

    Next time he does it, after calling him a douche bag, tell him that he’s not impressing anyone. In fact, women will be less likely to sleep with him. And if he’s gay, tell him that men talk about how tiny is wiener is. -CS

    • Jenna January 21, 2010 at 10:59 am #

      I have told him he’s not impressing anyone, but then I continue to sleep with him, so it probably defeats the point. Whoops.

      You’re obviously encouraging his behavior. -CS

  2. Hookdntx January 21, 2010 at 10:36 am #

    Its actually safer to pull into the spot like a normal person. How many times have you seen some one tap the bumper of a car or skid on a hill? You can still drive your car with a dented rear bumper. Try driving your car when the dent bends you bumper into tour radiator.

    There might be some people out there that purposely bump into cars that have been backed in. I haven’t done a study on that, but might have to give it a shot. -CS

  3. Del-V January 21, 2010 at 10:48 am #

    I hate the people who speed up as soon as you turn your turn signal on, as if they are giving up some sort of imaginary lead in a gigantic car race around the beltway.

    I can’t believe you didn’t hear about the imaginary race! -CS

  4. Red January 21, 2010 at 10:55 am #

    I am full on scared of backing into spaces. But I pull through when possible because it’s nice to be able to exit a parking space facing forward.

    And I feel that people who drive big ass cars are douchey. When my little Honda and I end up parked between two behemoth SUV-type things, I’m not loving life as I back out and pray.

    People who drive Hummers are the biggest douche bags of all. The only reason one should drive a Hummer is because their in a war zone. Last time I checked, as ghetto as the surrounding areas may be, none of us are in a war zone. -CS

    • Jenna January 21, 2010 at 11:01 am #

      I agree with the SUV thing too, mostly because none of them know how to properly park, or even drive, the things. I think there ought to be a special test you have to take before you’re allowed to buy something that huge to make sure you’re not too stupid to drive it.

      ” I think there ought to be a special test you have to take before you’re allowed to buy something that huge to make sure you’re not too stupid to drive it.” TWSS -CS

  5. David January 21, 2010 at 11:21 am #

    Hi, my name is David. I drive a very small car, and I’m a douche bag (but not at the grocery store).

    I am so ashamed of you right now. So ashamed.

    And not in a good way. -CS

  6. Beli January 21, 2010 at 11:49 am #

    Ha ha..I read this to my roomie and told her she was a douche bag because she backs into parking spaces…I told her it was scientifically proven and she thought it was funny =)

    I hope she’s learned a very valuable lesson! -CS

  7. Bored Housewife January 21, 2010 at 12:37 pm #

    I am happy to report that I am not a douche bag, even though my mother has encouraged me on many occasions to be a douche bag.

  8. jon January 21, 2010 at 2:37 pm #

    Megga douche bag = person who parks on angle across two or more stall intentionally.

  9. jayne January 21, 2010 at 3:02 pm #

    I like backing into parking spaces. I do everything I can to avoid going into the office, even if it means wasting 10 minutes parking the car. Then, when it’s time to leave, I am out in a flash.

  10. Les DuLunch January 21, 2010 at 4:20 pm #

    The douche baggery is not, in my opinion, shown by backing into a parking space, but rather by incompetence when trying to back in. If I can, I either pull through or back in so that when I leave, I don’t have to back out from between the two behemoths blocking my view. On the other hand, if I’m not sure I can back in on my first try, I don’t back in.
    Of course, I might just be saying that at least I’m not the worst douche bag out there.

  11. Mox January 21, 2010 at 5:40 pm #

    I am all for your science research and public service announcements. They provide a wealth of enlightenment. Thank you on behalf of humanity.

  12. Jewcy Bits January 22, 2010 at 7:54 pm #

    First, if you are a guy and you currently use a lot of cheap hair gel to create a “faux hawk” that creates a peak in the middle of your head, skip the study. I can confirm that you are a douche bag. Trust me, I have dated enough of them to know.

    Second, if you go to my gym and wear a skin tight tank top, have a fake tan and like to stare at yourself in the mirror…you’re a douche bag.

    Third, if you have rug burns on your knees and sell hand jobs behind supermarkets in downtown Baltimore, then you’re not a douche bag. Whew! You’re a whore.:)

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