Archive | January, 2010

Protected: Kick Off Your Sunday Shoes

29 Jan

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Now Accepting Applications

29 Jan

I’m considering putting up a sign like that in my car.  No, I’m not looking for someone to help me reset the peen counter*.  Rather, I’m looking for a date. 

Last Friday I received the invitation to Un-boyfriend’s wedding.  It shocked me to see that they had made it out to Catherinette Singleton and Guest.  AND GUEST??  What the fuck is that about??  I never take an “and Guest” to a wedding anymore.  In fact, about half the time that I used to take “and Guest” to a wedding, it was Un-boyfriend.  Pretty damn sure he’s going to be unavailable to go with me to his own wedding.

I immediately sent a text message to Claude because I knew that he and I would have a JOYOUS time there.  Mainly because we could mock the bride and everyone else.  Well guess what?  That dirty bastard already has plans.  God damn it, Claude.  GOD DAMN IT!!

You know what I realized?  I have ZERO single male friends that I want to go with.  Not.  One.  Single.  One.  NONE! 

So what the fuck am I supposed to do?  Of all the weddings in the world, this is one that I’d really like to go to with some handsome stud on my arm.  So, fine readers, I turn to you.  Help a sister out here: help me find that handsome, charming stud who will mock the bride with me. 

Who the hell am I going to take??

*OK, who am I kidding?  I’m ALWAYS looking for someone to help me reset that damn counter.  Every second that ticks by is one second closer to me being an old maid.  I think I need to get myself a bonnet and I need to learn how to knit.  Don’t old maids do those kinds of things?  Hmm…might have to start getting into “The View” and “Matlock” too.

Protected: A Haiku

27 Jan

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The Definition

26 Jan

Know what happens if you look up the definition of “abomination”? You find a picture of this filth:

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Protected: He Wants Me

26 Jan

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Protected: 7 Minutes and Counting…

25 Jan

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Strong Enough for a Man, But Made for a Woman (If She Remembers to Put it On)

25 Jan

God freaking damn it.

God damn it!

Of all the days how is it that today I forget?

Hair looks great.  Zero bags under the eyes.  Just the right amount of cleavage is peeping out of the top.  Skirt is at an appropriate length and looks extra saucy with the kick pleat. 

All of these preparations mean nothing.  NOTHING!  I freaking forgot my deodorant AGAIN!  Now when my secret boyfriend comes to see me all he’s going to get is a big nasty blast of body odor.  FUCK!

Let’s Play a Little Guessing Game

24 Jan

Usually Sunday nights suck.  Mainly because there’s little time before I find myself back at work.  It’s not that I hate my job, but with this shit ass project I’ve been working on, I could think of one million billion gazillion things that I’d rather be doing.  Things like eating my feelings, watching repeats of Law & Order: SVU, quietly drooling on the sofa while staring into space, and even gouging out my left eye.

Tonight, however, things are different.  No, it’s not because I’m catching up on the season finale of Jersey Shore or because the Tough Love 2 season finale is on.  Instead, it’s because I’m actually looking forward to work tomorrow.

That’s right: I want to go to work tomorrow.

Guess why.  Go ahead, guess!

On a totally unrelated note, my Sunday just got even better!!  I’m watching last week’s episode of CSI and one of my secret boyfriends is on.  Oh, Logan Echolls, how I miss you.