Archive | December, 2009

Just the Tip Tuesday (12/15/09)

15 Dec

Any person on this earth who says that they don’t love a goofball is a liar.  A big fat fucking liar!  Everyone loves the funny guy.  Sure, at first we don’t think he’s all that hot, but then he starts growing on us – like fungus and we find ourselves strangely attracted to him.

Such is the case with today’s pick: Seth McFarlane.

The dude is a genius.  It’s impossible to sit through an episode of Family Guy without cracking a smile.  Baby Stewie embodies comedy.  I nearly peed myself watching him living the life of a tan little baby.  And how about when Peter starts The Church of The Fonz.  Comedy.  Pure comedy.  Yesterday I found myself sitting through 6 back-to-back episodes.  And know what?  I’d like him to put his front to my back.

Yes, Seth McFarlane, I would totally do you.

For You to Poop (and Pee) On

14 Dec

My sister’s dog, Nipples, is a bad little dog.  A very bad little dog.  She’s a rescue dog.  It’s really a heart warming story of how they ended up together, but this post isn’t about that.  Instead, it’s about how I might turn to violence against Nipples and/or my sister.  My horrible wretched sister.  Whore.

My brother-in-law’s grandmother died recently, and my sister asked if I could watch Nipples while they’re out of town.  Like a sucker, I said yes.  I said yes knowing that Nipples was a hateful little creature and that my sister likes to take advantage of people.  Man, I’m so nice sometimes.  And by “nice” I mean “a total sucker.” 

I’ve been there less than 24 hours and I’m already to kick some dogs.

  1. I walked in the house yesterday to discover that Nipples had peed in the dining room.  Right on the hardwood floor.
  2. Went to feed her only to realize that my sister had left enough dog food for one meal.  When I called her to ask her where the rest of her food was she told me she had “forgotten” to go out and buy more food for her.  Let me tell you what that means, she was basically too fucking lazy to go out and get her food and just assumed I would go and do it, and then she wouldn’t pay me back.  Whore.
  3. The fucking TV is on the fritz and they neglected to tell me.  I had to watch the season finale of Dexter on their tiny TV in the bedroom.
  4. I was tired, I was annoyed, and all I wanted to do was sleep.  I pulled back the covers only to realize that they hadn’t changed the sheets before leaving.  My sister thought I’d be stupid enough to think she had just because she made the bed, but there were little finger prints and dirt in the sheets.  My sister is a whore.
  5. Nipples snored the entire fucking night, right next to my head.  All efforts to kick her out of the room failed.
  6. I woke up to find that she had pooped in the dining room.  I realized this when I stepped in it…in bare feet. 

I don’t know who I hate more right now: my sister, or the god damned dog.

You Can Take This Christmas Shoe and Shove It

11 Dec

13 days until all hell breaks loose at my mom’s tiny little house (or “casa” as we Mexicans call it).  On the 24th, we’ll spend all day cooking, yelling, drinking, eating, and harassing one another with gifts that no one needs and will wind up in a closet somewhere. 

Every year we play the same foolish little game: we go to the grocery store early in the week to buy everything we need for our Christmas dinner (or “taco night” as we Mexicans like to call it).  The list is checked 700 times, and without fail, my mother always leaves something off the list.  My job as Grocery Store Bitch (or GSB) is to head to the grocery store on the busiest day of the year to fight my way through the throngs of people who are all there to challenge my patience while I search out the magical ingredient that my mother forgot for the god damned pie.

I call from the grocery store to make sure that she only needs the one thing.  She swears up and down it’s only the one thing that she needs.  I call as I’m getting into the check out line, and she insists there’s nothing else and then yells at me for interrupting some cooking she’s doing.  I call when I’m headed to the parking lot, just to make sure that she hasn’t forgotten anything.  I fight my way out of the parking lot cursing every last person, and then head home with the butter/milk/sugar/eggs/nutmeg/whatever/random spice.  Just as I walk in the door my mom will say, “Oh, I forgot one more thing.”  At which point I remind myself that it’s the holiday season and that if I kill her at that very moment, then I’ll have to return all the gifts that I bought her and I don’t want to wind up at the malls on the 26th because there are more people than there were at the grocery store.

Grocery Store Bitch is one of the better bitch roles one can have.  My poor brother-in-law is Pantry Bitch.  He gets sent to the pantry about 70 zillion times.  I know what you’re thinking, “Going to the pantry isn’t so bad.”  Well it is when the pantry is outside and there are more spiders in there than there are in Kirstie Alley’s cooter*.  My sister is Helper Bitch, she gets to do the dishes.  It was easier when it was just the 3 of us.  Now with Damien and Lucy(fer) around, some of us have to take assistants.

Lucy(fer) is Assistant GSB.  Do you have any idea what it’s like trying to navigate through the god damned grocery store aisles with a bratty 3-year-old in tow?

 

*I can’t believe that I used the word “cooter” in a post about Christmas…

Throwing It All Away

10 Dec

For the last 4 years I’ve signed up for a Flexible Spending Account (FSA) at work.  An FSA let’s you determine an amount of pre tax dollars that you will earmark for medical expenses.  The nice thing about it is that it lowers your taxable income for the year.  The crappy part is if you don’t use the money, you lose it.  For 3 years in a row I set the money aside and then never used it.

This year, however, I spent every last dime.  I just spent the last hour ordering 4 boxes of contact lenses AND perusing www.drugstore.com.

Can’t wait to get my Advil, Midol, band aids, blemish sticks, Pepto, etc. in the mail.  Man, I might even use that shit as stocking stuffers.  I’m sure my sister and brother-in-law could use an extra bottle of Advil after having to deal with Damien and Lucy(fer) all day.  I could even give them some Benadryl so they could drug the kids and get them to calm the hell down.

FSA, I love you.  You complete me.

Claude’s Many Adventures: Party Style

10 Dec

When he’s not spending time in “meetings” (with strange fellows in Macy’s restrooms), he’s working. For the past few years Claude has worked at a non-profit agency in DC. Yesterday was the big party held by his organization. What was supposed to be an easy party, turned into a full-fledged nightmare.

He had disappeared from email from 2 days, so I harassed him until he spilled every single bean:

Well the day started with us finding out that the person volunteering to play Santa couldn’t do it. So we had no Santa and no Santa suit. So I got to resolve all of that before lunch. Then I got to drive from our office in for 45 minutes to pick up a rental Santa suit and then back to Van get my boss and all the supplies we needed for the event, only to drive over to the venue.

So we get to the school where the event was held and none of the tables and chairs we rented had been delivered yet. Over 50 tables and 500 chairs that we needed to have set-up by 6 PM. Its now 4 PM. Also, we asked the school if it was possible to show a DVD during the program and they said yes. Well, the school decided that what we actually wanted to do was show a power-point, so that’s all they had set-up. We had to quickly figure that out, which involved getting a coworker’s laptop from her apartment and the VP bringing in her stereo from home so that we could play the sound on the movie. Then the furniture finally showed up at 4:45 and the delivery guys were refusing to deliver it because they had to walk up a flight of stairs. While all of that was happening, the VP of the school casually let me know that when all of the drinks for our event were delivered to the school earlier that day, the school turned them away because they thought someone fraudulently ordered them on their account. So we now have no drinks for an event where we are serving dinner for approx 500 people. Fucking awesome! So we had to go into the school cafeteria and take all of their juice boxes for the kids to give out to the families. Claude, at that point I just started laughing, to keep from crying. It was awesome!

Protected: I’m Bringing Stupid Back

9 Dec

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Just the Tip Tuesday (12/08/09)

8 Dec

Ever read one of those books that you just can’t quite put down and then when you do you end up having nightmares then you swear that you won’t finish reading it but when you get home you pick up the book because you want to know what happens and then the whole cycle repeats itself and you end up with horrible bags under your eyes and nightmares and you tell yourself that you hate living alone because if there was someone in the house you wouldn’t have such nightmares and you have to sleep with the lights on but you still have nightmares?  That’s what Dennis Lehane’s Shutter Island is doing to me.

While I was tossing and turning at 2:00 am last night I swore up and down that I was going to stop reading the book and that I’d just wait to find out what happened when the movie came out.  BUT THEN I realized that I think I cracked one of the clues in the book and I’m pretty sure that I know the twist so I want to keep reading it.  God damn it. 

Damn.  Good.  Book.

There is a point to all of this, I swear.  The point is that today’s JTT is going to play one of the marshals in the movie.  Mark Ruffalo, who I used to hate, but seems to get hotter with age.

Yes, Mark, I will do you – but let’s leave the lights on because I might have flashbacks of Shutter Island and end up with nightmares.

An Inspirational Quote from Foxy

7 Dec

“It just amazes me how many stupid whores are running around in this country. We lead the world in stupid whores per capita. I don’t know why President Obama doesn’t talk about it more.”