You Can Take This Christmas Shoe and Shove It

11 Dec

13 days until all hell breaks loose at my mom’s tiny little house (or “casa” as we Mexicans call it).  On the 24th, we’ll spend all day cooking, yelling, drinking, eating, and harassing one another with gifts that no one needs and will wind up in a closet somewhere. 

Every year we play the same foolish little game: we go to the grocery store early in the week to buy everything we need for our Christmas dinner (or “taco night” as we Mexicans like to call it).  The list is checked 700 times, and without fail, my mother always leaves something off the list.  My job as Grocery Store Bitch (or GSB) is to head to the grocery store on the busiest day of the year to fight my way through the throngs of people who are all there to challenge my patience while I search out the magical ingredient that my mother forgot for the god damned pie.

I call from the grocery store to make sure that she only needs the one thing.  She swears up and down it’s only the one thing that she needs.  I call as I’m getting into the check out line, and she insists there’s nothing else and then yells at me for interrupting some cooking she’s doing.  I call when I’m headed to the parking lot, just to make sure that she hasn’t forgotten anything.  I fight my way out of the parking lot cursing every last person, and then head home with the butter/milk/sugar/eggs/nutmeg/whatever/random spice.  Just as I walk in the door my mom will say, “Oh, I forgot one more thing.”  At which point I remind myself that it’s the holiday season and that if I kill her at that very moment, then I’ll have to return all the gifts that I bought her and I don’t want to wind up at the malls on the 26th because there are more people than there were at the grocery store.

Grocery Store Bitch is one of the better bitch roles one can have.  My poor brother-in-law is Pantry Bitch.  He gets sent to the pantry about 70 zillion times.  I know what you’re thinking, “Going to the pantry isn’t so bad.”  Well it is when the pantry is outside and there are more spiders in there than there are in Kirstie Alley’s cooter*.  My sister is Helper Bitch, she gets to do the dishes.  It was easier when it was just the 3 of us.  Now with Damien and Lucy(fer) around, some of us have to take assistants.

Lucy(fer) is Assistant GSB.  Do you have any idea what it’s like trying to navigate through the god damned grocery store aisles with a bratty 3-year-old in tow?


*I can’t believe that I used the word “cooter” in a post about Christmas…


9 Responses to “You Can Take This Christmas Shoe and Shove It”

  1. Michelle December 11, 2009 at 2:47 pm #

    I love that you used the word cooter in a Christmas post!

    We’re 2 klassy broads! -CS

  2. BeckEye December 11, 2009 at 3:13 pm #

    I can’t believe I’ve NEVER used the word “cooter” in a Christmas post!

    Consider it my gift to you. -CS

  3. hookdntx December 11, 2009 at 3:23 pm #

    My preferance is for hoohah but cooter works too.

    Frankly, I prefer “party zone”, but it just didn’t fit right in this post. -CS

  4. rockman December 11, 2009 at 3:42 pm #

    Cooter, Is thst the singular form of the word coochie?

    Or is it the plural? I sucked at english…..

    Actually, the plural for coochie is coochie coochie coo. -CS

  5. Skylers Dad December 11, 2009 at 4:31 pm #

    I think I will start a new fad of calling it “Spiders in the Pantry”, when I get rich off of the royalties, I will help you out.

    Why haven’t we used that term before? It’s gold! Gold, I tell you! -CS

  6. Mimi December 11, 2009 at 8:55 pm #

    Ugh I’m the grocery store bitch for my mom too…Thanksgiving, Christmas always. It blows.

    It does suck ass, but at least we’re not trapped in the house with 5 screaming children. -CS

  7. Amy December 11, 2009 at 9:13 pm #

    I can’t believe I have come to “own” the nickname, “Cooter.” My roommate insists that it’s because I am from the South.

    It’s okay, though. I call him “wanker” a lot when he’s not listening. 😉

    I love the term wanker. 🙂 -CS

  8. foxy luv December 12, 2009 at 9:01 pm #

    I think that your using cooter in post about Christmas is more Christmasy then a damn Currier and Ives etching, or water color, or print or whatever the hell they used to illustrate the ideal Christmas which makes the rest of us think, “Wow – those Victorian people are really enjoying their holiday. Maybe tolerance toward people of color and women getting the right to vote really f-ed things up after all!”.

    And to all a good night!

    Man, you really have a way with words. You should get a job at Hallmark. -CS

  9. dk December 13, 2009 at 2:05 am #

    So will you or the unwanted gifts end up in the closet;)

    bird, muff, beaver, bearded clam – neverf heard it called a cooter before. Too funny.

    I think this year they’re going to end up in Goodwill, I don’t have room for anymore unwanted gifts.

    I can’t believe you’ve never heard of cooter before! It’s a classic! -CS

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