Archive | 2:41 pm

You Can Take This Christmas Shoe and Shove It

11 Dec

13 days until all hell breaks loose at my mom’s tiny little house (or “casa” as we Mexicans call it).  On the 24th, we’ll spend all day cooking, yelling, drinking, eating, and harassing one another with gifts that no one needs and will wind up in a closet somewhere. 

Every year we play the same foolish little game: we go to the grocery store early in the week to buy everything we need for our Christmas dinner (or “taco night” as we Mexicans like to call it).  The list is checked 700 times, and without fail, my mother always leaves something off the list.  My job as Grocery Store Bitch (or GSB) is to head to the grocery store on the busiest day of the year to fight my way through the throngs of people who are all there to challenge my patience while I search out the magical ingredient that my mother forgot for the god damned pie.

I call from the grocery store to make sure that she only needs the one thing.  She swears up and down it’s only the one thing that she needs.  I call as I’m getting into the check out line, and she insists there’s nothing else and then yells at me for interrupting some cooking she’s doing.  I call when I’m headed to the parking lot, just to make sure that she hasn’t forgotten anything.  I fight my way out of the parking lot cursing every last person, and then head home with the butter/milk/sugar/eggs/nutmeg/whatever/random spice.  Just as I walk in the door my mom will say, “Oh, I forgot one more thing.”  At which point I remind myself that it’s the holiday season and that if I kill her at that very moment, then I’ll have to return all the gifts that I bought her and I don’t want to wind up at the malls on the 26th because there are more people than there were at the grocery store.

Grocery Store Bitch is one of the better bitch roles one can have.  My poor brother-in-law is Pantry Bitch.  He gets sent to the pantry about 70 zillion times.  I know what you’re thinking, “Going to the pantry isn’t so bad.”  Well it is when the pantry is outside and there are more spiders in there than there are in Kirstie Alley’s cooter*.  My sister is Helper Bitch, she gets to do the dishes.  It was easier when it was just the 3 of us.  Now with Damien and Lucy(fer) around, some of us have to take assistants.

Lucy(fer) is Assistant GSB.  Do you have any idea what it’s like trying to navigate through the god damned grocery store aisles with a bratty 3-year-old in tow?


*I can’t believe that I used the word “cooter” in a post about Christmas…