Archive | 10:57 am

An Inspirational Quote from Foxy

7 Dec

“It just amazes me how many stupid whores are running around in this country. We lead the world in stupid whores per capita. I don’t know why President Obama doesn’t talk about it more.”

Not All Fairies are Magical and Festive

7 Dec

As children, we are regaled with stories about magical lands, mystical creatures, and fairies with special powers.  There’s Tinkerbell who flies around and sprinkles people with fairy dust so they can fly.  We hear about the tooth fairy who leaves money under our pillows when we lose our teeth.  Which if you think about it, is pretty jacked up.  What the hell does she do with all those teeth?  Then there’s my favorite kind of fairy, the ones like Claude who gay up the world and bring joy to my life.

But there are two fairies that no one tells you about, the worst kinds of fairies.  Evil devil fairies that make one’s life miserable.

Yesterday, I was visited by one of those fairies: the Vomit Fairy.  Her visit coincided with my efforts to drink the world on Saturday night when I went out with Boom Boom and friends.  This was a surprise visit, an unplanned one.  Frankly, I didn’t think I had sucked down enough booze to spend all day yesterday wanting to die – apparently I was wrong.

The morning started off with a massive headache.  I figured that a little water and some breakfast would make things better.  I was sorely mistaken.  Boom Boom, Staunch Republican and I headed off to brunch.  While there, we heard from one of our girlfriends that came out with us on Saturday night.  She informed us that she had to ask her ride to pull over on the way home so she could vomit all over the place.  We laughed and laughed.  Mocking other people’s hangovers beckons the Vomit Fairy.  15 minutes later I was puking…in the restaurant bathroom.

Klassy, I know.

I then proceeded to spend the rest of the day praying to the baby Jesus (which is pretty impressive since I’m an athiest) that he put me out of my misery and strike me dead before I had to vomit again.  The thought of getting out of bed and throwing myself out the window did occur to me, the only problem was that getting out of bed would have made me puke some more.

I’m pleased to announce that the Vomit Fairy has now left, and hopefully, will not be back anytime soon.  Unfortunately, next week I’ll be getting a visit from the other bitch fairy: the Period Fairy.