I Hope Douche Baggery Skips a Generation

4 Dec

My dad is a douche bag.  A big old dirty douche bag.  He pretty much walked out the door when my sister and I were little.  We could always rely on his unreliability.  He would come and go out of our lives.  He’d go through phases when he was consistent with keeping in touch, then the next second he’d pretty much drop off the face of the earth.

Growing up with that type of relationship was painful.  I grew up wondering why I wasn’t enough and what I might to differently to make him love me and want to stick around.  Unhealthy, I know, but this is what happens to kids from broken homes.

Enough of the sentimental stuff, let’s focus on his douche baggery.

Every year, he and my evil step monster put together this shitty ass family calendar for all of the relatives.  Every year, the second that my sister and I receive the calendar, we call each other, laugh hysterically at how stupid it is, and then throw it away. 

This year, in prep for the making of the annual shit calendar, he sent out an email to the entire family requesting that we all double-check our birthdays, and add in any missing information.  Oh, dad, you’re so special.  I, being interested in the inheritance that is rightfully mine the kind and loving daughter that I am, immediately responded.

Hi, dad!  I have 2 updates for you.  First, the kid’s name is Damien, not Daniel, and his middle name is Beelzebub.  Second, brother-in-law’s middle name is Sucker, and his birthday is on DD/MM/YY.  Have a good one!

Really, dad?  You don’t know your only grandson’s name?  Really?  It should not have come as a shock since earlier in the year he had booked airline tickets for Darryl and Lillian instead of Damien and Lucy(fer).

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7 Responses to “I Hope Douche Baggery Skips a Generation”

  1. Michelle December 4, 2009 at 3:20 pm #

    Ugh. My daughter’s dad is a douchebag too.

  2. BeckEye December 4, 2009 at 3:24 pm #

    Ugh, that sucks. I never take for granted that I have a great Dad.

  3. Skylers Dad December 4, 2009 at 3:46 pm #

    I had the worlds best parents, so I always cringe at bad parent stories.

  4. WendyB December 4, 2009 at 5:35 pm #

    Oh my God! DD/MM/YY is totally my birthday too!

  5. kathcom December 4, 2009 at 6:11 pm #

    My mother used to send out Christmas cards with news on how everyone in the family was doing. Since we were all as messed up as anyone else, it was mostly fictive. I finally told her to stop putting me in it since half the time I wasn’t talking to her. Now that we’re speaking again, I expect to be included on it again. If only my real life were as good as her description.

    As for my father, he’s not even fit to be called a douche bag. He’s the bucket that you throw the douche bags into after they’re used. I’ve only met the guy once and the nicest thing I can do for that guy (maybe) is not dance on his grave when he dies.

  6. Alixandra Hice December 7, 2009 at 7:09 am #

    I’d ask you to marry me after that post, but since it appears we have the same father, that would be, like, incest, right? Oh bloody hell, who cares.

    You are my Queen.

  7. Li (Alixandra's sister) December 7, 2009 at 12:13 pm #

    Hi, “sis”! We DO have the same dad! Except ours rarely showed up and pretty much takes no blame.

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