Archive | December, 2009

2009 Can Suck My Left One

31 Dec

Is it a wash?  I don’t know.  There was good stuff, and there was some really awful stuff that happened this year.

Recap on the crap?  Or shall we say “recrap”?

  • My sister’s dog died.
  • My dog died.
  • The Catherinette Chronicles died.
  • One of my friends disappeared, and I miss her terribly and have no idea what on earth happened.
  • There was that stupid debacle with 3D.

Meh, whatever!  I say goodbye to you as I look back on the super sweet stuff:

  • I didn’t get laid off.
  • I even got a relatively good bonus!
  • I had 2 great vacations this year.
  • I made lots of fun new friends.
  • I got a brand new dog (name still pending)

AND, to top it all off, I’ve just been informed that I’m going to be a featured blogger for my gym. YEAH!  What an awesome end to a somewhat crappy year!!  Only downside is that I’m going to have to get my lazy ass back in the gym, but what a great motivator.

I’m really looking forward to the new challenge, and maybe getting rid of this stupid muffin top of mine.

I Will Go Chuck Norris on Your Ass…and I Don’t Mean That in a Sexual Way

30 Dec

God damn it, Disney.  God damn it!

Disney and Claude take every opportunity they can to mock my attendance of graduate school.  They think it’s hilarious that I’m taking classes online, and they don’t care that it’s at a Big 10 school and that I got an A for my first semester.

Disney enjoys making countless jokes about the International Correspondence School and Sally Struthers.  Claude tends to focus on DeVry and University of Phoenix.  He even went so far as to send me a text message that said, “Look!  I’m driving past your school,” and forwarded me a picture of a sign for the University of Phoenix.

Assholes.  Dirty assholes, that’s what they are.

This morning Disney took it to a whole new level, he sent me this video

I am not afraid to hurt him.

Just the Tip Tuesday (12/29/09)

29 Dec

Is it just me or did 2009 come and go faster than most of my boyfriends?  God this year just flew by, and along with it another year’s worth of hot hotties that make up JTT.  I’ve decided to end this year with a man that has 2 things that I love:

  1. Youth – cuz you know how I like the young ones.  Okay, so he’s not THAT young, but he’s younger than I am so that’s a plus for him.
  2. A British accent – one day I will have a man who has one.  It’s my goal in life.  Fuck retiring at a young age, or being independently wealthy.  I just want to hear some hot British dude moan my name in the throes of passion.

Ladies and boys who like boys, I give you Matthew Goode.

Look familiar?  That’s because you’ve probably seen him in previews for Leap Year (with Amy  Adams), Woody Allen’s Match Point, and Watchmen.  He has also been featured as a frequent guest star in one of my sexual fantasies. 

I would certainly like to get my hands on his goods.  Or his goodes.  Either one and or both.

 

Protected: The Holiday Hangover

28 Dec

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God Damn It, Mom. God Damn It.

21 Dec

My mother is one of those people that’s impossible to shop for.  If you ask her what she wants, she’ll tell you the same thing every year: “Nothing.  Save your money.  I don’t need anything.”  My sister and I try to work her over to get her to tell us one thing that she wants, she insists she wants nothing, so we end up getting her crap.  I do have to admit, however, that last year I got her some kick ass gifts, one of which included front row tickets to Mama Mia (on Broadway) which she was dying to see.

This year I had it all planned out: I would buy her the laptop sleeve that she’s been looking for since she bought her macbook last year.  I looked high and low and finally settled on a lovely handmade one that I found on Etsy.  I shelled out the big bucks, ordered it, and pat myself on my back.  (Is it pat or patted?  I don’t know)

It was all going super well right up until yesterday – when my mother decided to buy herself a $275 Burberry laptop case.  Um, how on earth am I supposed to compete with a Burberry case??  DAMN IT!!

This is exactly what she did 3 years ago when she kept telling my sister she wanted to quilted jacket.  My sister and brother-in-law picked one out from Eddie Bauer, and 3 days before Christmas my mom decided to buy herself one, from Burberry.

Thanks for ruining my kick ass gift idea, mom.  And a very Merry Christmas to you, whore.

On a totally unrelated note, I called my mother a whore yesterday when we were at brunch.  She wasn’t amused.  I could tell by the way that she hit me in the restaurant.  Whore.

When “Going Green” = “Seeing Red”

16 Dec

Those of you that follow The Catherinette Chronicles may remember the time that I found a scary certain something on the web.  The post that followed was one of the most commented ones that I’ve ever written.  Some of the comments were freaking hilarious, some were disturbing.  Another post followed, and then the maker of said product allowed me to do the interview.  I never wrote the interview, mainly because I’m lazy.  BUT I’ve decided that the time has come.

First things first: you need to read the post that inspired it all…

I just threw up in my mouth a little, no really. Damn it, why did I have to be eating lunch? Vomit taste in my mouth. YUCK!

Like I do most days at work, I was fooling around on the internet. Long story short, I ended up on the Etsy site. If you’ve never seen it before, you should go – right after you finish reading this post. It’s essentially on online marketplace for tons of great homemade goodies. Also some not-so-great homemade goodies. Either because the items have zero usage or because they’re as ugly as sin.

Anyway, being the environmentally responsible citizen I pretend that I am (she types just after drinking from her plastic straw in ther Styrofoam cup), I’m looking for some reusable sandwich baggies. I freaking hate throwing so many plastic bags away each year. Such an incredible waste.

So there I was happily perusing the search results from my “reusable” search term when I suddenly stumbled on these:

Can you tell what it is? Let me give you a hint. Here’s the description: “Nice to Your Ladybits and to Mother Nature’s!”

I just threw up, again.

People, these are reusable menstrual pads. That means, that you bleed all over them and then you wash them and then you use them again. Just threw up some more. That is gross! Look, I’m all for not generating a ton of waste (which is why I use tampons that are biodegradable) but THIS is just too far!

There are 2 major problems with this:

  1. Menstrual pads are gross as sin. You’re basically sitting in your own blood and they stick to you and then they wad up and you leak and I still have terrible nightmares from when I first got my period and had to use pads and would wake up soaked in my own blood and the thought is making me sick and probably you sick too and we should just stop here.
  2. If you look closely at the image, you’ll see that there are little pictures of sugar bowls and other baking implements. This print is all wrong! And don’t even get me started on the one that has camo print.

Okay, maybe I’m being too judgemental here. Maybe I should join the green revolution and just buy some and start wearing them (yuck) to save the planet.

No. Can’t do it.

But if you choose to do it, by all means. I’ll be honest with you here, this seller is actually a genius. There are people that take “going green” to a whole different level who would love to use these. If you’re one of them, here’s to you for loving the planet way more than I do.

Dave Chapelle Would Be Proud

15 Dec

A friend of mine from high school is a limo driver out in California.  9 times out of 10 his facebook statuses suck ass.  Every once in a while, he has a good one.  Case in point:

Just noticed that one of his LA kids in limo signed their name “Rich James Bitch” on the alcohol waiver form.  Little bastards.

I’d Like to Thank the Academy

15 Dec

Every year, since the beginning of time (or at least for the last several years), Grant Miller has hosted the Drysdale Awards.  For those of you who are not in the know let me edumacate you: the Drysdale is an extremely prestigious blogging award.  At least it ‘s prestigious for about 12 of us who blog.  It’s a highly coveted award and me wants it.

Last year I was nominated for and won the award for “Blog with the Most Spelling and Grammatical Errors.”  Pistols at Dawn was kind enough to nominate me for that one, stating that everything I typed was supposed to say, “I want to sleep with Pistols at Dawn a lot,” but would end up coming out as different words.

Well guess who happened to win another one this year??  Yeah, that’s right.  This time I won for “Blogger that Spreads the Most Rumors About Other Bloggers.”  Guess that rumor I started about Grant Miller being one of Tiger Wood’s mistresses totally paid off.