The World’s Worst Baker

The holidays are about putting on as much weight as possible and blaming it all on the sugary delights that are available this time of year.  I have a weakness for anything that is candy cane flavored.  Last week I managed to eat a half a box of Trader Joe’s Candy Cane Joe-Joe’s in a span of about 37 seconds.  Those were the happiest 37 seconds of my life, even beating out the backseat adventures with Pistols at Dawn.

You can imagine my delight when I went down to the cafeteria this afternoon and saw a homemade “Chocolate Candy Cane Cookie”.  Picture this, 2 big chocolate cookies with a ton of candy cane frosting in-between.

Here’s the problem, there’s nothing in this cookie that tastes like candy canes or chocolate.  Instead, it just tastes like brown butter cookies with butter frosting that has flecks of candy cane all over it. 

Damn you, baker in the cafeteria.  You have fooled me!  You’re like all of those guys that I date that look good on the outside but then turn out to be something entirely different on the inside.  I just want a candy cane flavored dude and end up having to talk about my feelings with someone that’s emotionally retarded.

FAIL!

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Just the Tip Tuesday

You know who I would like to have the sex with?  Ben Barnes:

I know what you’re thinking: he looks familiar AND he looks like he wants to do me.  Right?  Right!  I can tell you that he totally wants to do me – even if he doesn’t know it yet – and I can also tell you where you’ve seen him before.  Ben Barnes is the young (and yet legal) hotty who plays Prince Caspian in those Chronicles of Narnia films.

What?  You’re shocked that I have the hots for some dude from a kids’ movie?  How can you be shocked, the dude is hot.  And at least I’m not one of those gaywads that reads the stupid Twilight books and wants to do it with Robert Pattinson who doesn’t bother to fucking shower because he’s too high on himself to bother.  He sucks.

I will also tell you that Ben was in a very grown up movie called “Dorian Gray”, based, of course, on the book.  Talk about debauchery!  There are drugs, straight sex, gay sex, threesomes.  Yet, sadly, there were no shots of his manbits.  Tragic, I know.

Putting the Pee in Happy

I have to pee so freaking badly and the bathroom closest to my desk is closed for cleaning.  DAMN IT!  Do these people not know that my bladder has needs? 

Yeah, yeah, I know I could walk down the hall or go upstairs to pee, but then something terrible might happen.  People will see me walking into their bathroom and assume I have to poop because I’m not using the bathroom closest to my desk.  Then the rumors will start and everyone will think that I poop at work! 

That’s horrible!  I’d rather have people say that I date trainees and blow people in my cubicle.  At least that’s true.

I seriously am about to pee in my pants.  Maybe soon I’ll be known as the girl who peed in her pants on her birthday.

Happy Birthday to Me!

You know what I love more than anything else in this world (with the possible exception of peen)?  My birthday!  And guess what?  It just happens to be my birthday TODAY!  That’s right!  Yay for me!

I never understood those people who didn’t care for their birthdays and getting older.  Just don’t get it.  I’m one of those annoying people who will give countdowns of shopping days until my birthday and then when the day comes, I’ll inform everyone that it’s my birthday. 

I’ve had friends that got all upset because their friends/family forgot their birthdays.  That will never in a million year happen to me.  If someone claims to have forgotten my birthday, I know they will be lying through their teeth because it’s impossible. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and make some major announcements about my birthdays to my coworkers.

Oh, and I’m 36 by the way.  I’m not like my sister who has been turning 17 for the last 17 years.  The best was on her 30th birthday when I had “17 + 13” written on her cake.  She was not amused.