“I can do this,” I thought to myself as I was driving over to his house. “It’s nothing. We’ll just do it and then it’ll be over and it means nothing. I can do this.” Then I found myself there and my thoughts turned to, “this is going to end badly.” The talk about feelings and “what are we doing” and “why are you with me” would inevitably come up. I would have to tell him it was just a casual thing and that we’re both adults capable of this type of thing.
About 2 months before, I received an email from him. Against my better judgement, I responded – and that’s how it all began. “He’s worming,” Foxy had said to me. “I know that,” I responded and told her that it was nothing.
The emails became more frequent, and soon there were text messages too. It eventually led to plans to go to the movies. A month ago I walked into his house and saw him for the first time in almost a year. I have never felt nerves like that before. My heart was beating so fast, and I could have sworn that my knees were going to buckle. “What the hell am I doing here?” kept going through my mind. And then…we were fine. We fell back into talking with one another like we once did. It was light conversation, we didn’t talk about family, we didn’t talk about the past. It was fine, we were going to be fine.
On the way home after the movie I debated whether/not I was going to go inside his house. I knew that if I walked in his front door that I would end up in his bedroom. We pulled into the driveway, and I made the decision to go. “Are you sure,” he asked me. I was sure. I got in my car and drove away. And then the text messages started again.
My resolve melted. A week later I was in his house again, and this time I did end up in his bedroom. It was easy at first. I would see him for a few hours, we’d end up in his room, and then I would leave. He would tell me I could stay, and I’d tell him that I should go. We’d email about the next time we’d see each other again, and that was that.
I kept it to myself so as not to hear my friends lecture me on what I knew was a mistake. After all, it wouldn’t last long. Just a few times, and then it would end just as quickly as it began and he would be a memory again. Claude knew, and then I told Boom Boom. “Are you insane??” she said. “I have a bad feeling about this.” Just like I imagined I would, I received the lecture on this awful mistake that I was making. “It’s nothing. It’s just nothing,” I tried convincing her. “You still like him,” she said. “No!” I protested, I said it was just casual, that it was nothing, that I could just walk away when I wanted. “Then walk away,” she told me. “But the sex is so good,” I retorted.
He seemed so different. That insecure, needy guy was gone. There was not talk about feelings, there were no questions about whether or not I was seeing anyone else, or if Un-boyfriend was still in the picture. I kept going back, and as I did, I realized that it wasn’t just sex anymore, that all of those feelings that I had once had for him were resurfacing. I found myself wanting to make plans with him again, future plans with him. This casual arrangement we had was suddenly not so casual. This time, I felt like the tables were turned – it wasn’t him having all of these damned feelings, now it was me.
Last week, his grandmother died and he had to make plans to go out of state over the weekend for the funeral. He came to see me on Tuesday, and he asked to see me again on Sunday. He asked me to take the day off on Monday so we could spend more time together. I agreed. The next day I had an email from him telling me what a great time he’d had and how much he was looking forward to spending more time with me. I was on cloud 9 – while this hadn’t been what I intended to happen, I was pleased it was going this way.
Then something started to change, I felt him starting to pull away from me. There was a longer lag time between his responses, his interest had started to wane. As it did, I could feel myself wanting to clasp onto him and not let him go. I knew that things were different. On Friday I told my boss that I no longer needed to have Monday off. “Everything okay?” he asked. “Yes,” I lied, “just a change of plans.” A change in the plans that he made with me, and one in the imaginary plans that I was starting to make for us.
He did not come. He sent me a text message on his way home asking me if it was okay if he just went home and crashed. “Do what you need to do,” I responded. Then he asked me if I was still free on Monday. “What did you have in mind?” That was at 8:00 last night and I haven’t heard from him since.
I knew this was a mistake when it began and I knew that it would end badly, but I didn’t think that it would hurt quite like this. I feel so foolish right now for having allowed myself to do this. I feel so rejected. Deep down inside I believed that we still have a chance. A chance to remedy everything that took place last year. A chance for some kind of future together.
Above all things, I wish that he still loved me. That he wanted to be with me. That he thought about me as I find myself thinking about him. He does not love me anymore. God only knows why I would even want this after everything that happened last year, but I did. I do. I can’t help it. I wish I could. I wish there was a switch I could just flip to make this all go away and not feel anything. I’ll take numb over this.
I just want to sit here and cry and tell myself that it will be okay. I don’t need him. I know this, I believe this. But I want him. I want him so badly. I keep telling myself that when September comes and classes start and I’m traveling for work, that there will just be a dull pain left behind. He will not call me, I will not call him. Things will go back to normal, they will be like they were before we saw each other again. I won’t spend my day wondering what he’s doing or when he will contact me. Let it go back to the way it was before I saw him again. Please just make this end.
It’s really over now.
Please, I don’t want to hear the lectures. I feel badly enough as it is. Do with this as you will, but I don’t want to hear it right now.