What Did You Have in Mind?

24 Aug

“I can do this,” I thought to myself as I was driving over to his house. “It’s nothing. We’ll just do it and then it’ll be over and it means nothing.  I can do this.”  Then I found myself there and my thoughts turned to, “this is going to end badly.”  The talk about feelings and “what are we doing” and “why are you with me” would inevitably come up.  I would have to tell him it was just a casual thing and that we’re both adults capable of this type of thing. 

About 2 months before, I received an email from him.  Against my better judgement, I responded – and that’s how it all began.  “He’s worming,” Foxy had said to me.  “I know that,” I responded and told her that it was nothing.

The emails became more frequent, and soon there were text messages too.  It eventually led to plans to go to the movies.  A month ago I walked into his house and saw him for the first time in almost a year.  I have never felt nerves like that before.  My heart was beating so fast, and I could have sworn that my knees were going to buckle.  “What the hell am I doing here?” kept going through my mind.  And then…we were fine.  We fell back into talking with one another like we once did.  It was light conversation, we didn’t talk about family, we didn’t talk about the past.  It was fine, we were going to be fine.

On the way home after the movie I debated whether/not I was going to go inside his house.  I knew that if I walked in his front door that I would end up in his bedroom.  We pulled into the driveway, and I made the decision to go.  “Are you sure,” he asked me.  I was sure.  I got in my car and drove away.  And then the text messages started again.

My resolve melted.  A week later I was in his house again, and this time I did end up in his bedroom.  It was easy at first.  I would see him for a few hours, we’d end up in his room, and then I would leave.  He would tell me I could stay, and I’d tell him that I should go.  We’d email about the next time we’d see each other again, and that was that.

I kept it to myself so as not to hear my friends lecture me on what I knew was a mistake.  After all, it wouldn’t last long.  Just a few times, and then it would end just as quickly as it began and he would be a memory again.  Claude knew, and then I told Boom Boom.   “Are you insane??” she said.  “I have a bad feeling about this.”  Just like I imagined I would, I received the lecture on this awful mistake that I was making.  “It’s nothing. It’s just nothing,” I tried convincing her.  “You still like him,” she said.  “No!” I protested, I said it was just casual, that it was nothing, that I could just walk away when I wanted. “Then walk away,” she told me.  “But the sex is so good,” I retorted.

He seemed so different.  That insecure, needy guy was gone.  There was not talk about feelings, there were no questions about whether or not I was seeing anyone else, or if Un-boyfriend was still in the picture.  I kept going back, and as I did, I realized that it wasn’t just sex anymore, that all of those feelings that I had once had for him were resurfacing.  I found myself wanting to make plans with him again, future plans with him.  This casual arrangement we had was suddenly not so casual.  This time, I felt like the tables were turned – it wasn’t him having all of these damned feelings, now it was me.

Last week, his grandmother died and he had to make plans to go out of state over the weekend for the funeral.  He came to see me on Tuesday, and he asked to see me again on Sunday.  He asked me to take the day off on Monday so we could spend more time together.  I agreed.  The next day I had an email from him telling me what a great time he’d had and how much he was looking forward to spending more time with me.  I was on cloud 9 – while this hadn’t been what I intended to happen, I was pleased it was going this way.

Then something started to change, I felt him starting to pull away from me.  There was a longer lag time between his responses, his interest had started to wane.  As it did, I could feel myself wanting to clasp onto him and not let him go.  I knew that things were different.  On Friday I told my boss that I no longer needed to have Monday off.  “Everything okay?” he asked.  “Yes,” I lied, “just a change of plans.”  A change in the plans that he made with me, and one in the imaginary plans that I was starting to make for us.

He did not come.  He sent me a text message on his way home asking me if it was okay if he just went home and crashed.  “Do what you need to do,” I responded.  Then he asked me if I was still free on Monday.  “What did you have in mind?”  That was at 8:00 last night and I haven’t heard from him since.

I knew this was a mistake when it began and I knew that it would end badly, but I didn’t think that it would hurt quite like this.  I feel so foolish right now for having allowed myself to do this.  I feel so rejected.  Deep down inside I believed that we still have a chance.  A chance to remedy everything that took place last year.  A chance for some kind of future together.

Above all things, I wish that he still loved me.  That he wanted to be with me.  That he thought about me as I find myself thinking about him.  He does not love me anymore.  God only knows why I would even want this after everything that happened last year, but I did.  I do.  I can’t help it.  I wish I could.  I wish there was a switch I could just flip to make this all go away and not feel anything.  I’ll take numb over this. 

I just want to sit here and cry and tell myself that it will be okay.  I don’t need him.  I know this, I believe this.  But I want him.  I want him so badly.  I keep telling myself that when September comes and classes start and I’m traveling for work, that there will just be a dull pain left behind.  He will not call me, I will not call him.  Things will go back to normal, they will be like they were before we saw each other again.  I won’t spend my day wondering what he’s doing or when he will contact me.  Let it go back to the way it was before I saw him again.  Please just make this end. 

It’s really over now.

Please, I don’t want to hear the lectures.  I feel badly enough as it is.  Do with this as you will, but I don’t want to hear it right now.

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32 Responses to “What Did You Have in Mind?”

  1. msdarkstar August 24, 2009 at 12:11 pm #

    No lecture from me. Just a nodding of my head and acknowledgement that I “get it”. And a ::hug:: (when/if you want it)

  2. Mollie August 24, 2009 at 12:26 pm #

    Sometimes the only way we can really *move on* is to go back and really see what a mistake it is..

    Hugs

  3. rondamarie August 24, 2009 at 12:40 pm #

    I know what its like to want something even if you know you shouldn’t or to tell yourself you are not getting attached because you know you are but you don’t want to be. I know. Alot of us have been there before, there’s no need for lectures, you just need to know you are not alone in this, other people have been there too.

  4. Karishma Sundaram August 24, 2009 at 1:06 pm #

    I think you’ll get more empathy than lectures. Haven’t we all been guilty of doing exactly that?

    I know I have.

  5. Jess August 24, 2009 at 1:16 pm #

    I feel for you…and I’ve been there. That’s the reason you get lectured because we’ve all been there and friends want to help you avoid making the same mistakes they did. Just wait til the next time this situation happens with a friend…it will be hard to keep your mouth shut. With that said, hang in there and do what you have to do to deal with the pain.

  6. Amber D. August 24, 2009 at 1:35 pm #

    The last thing people who are going through emotional times need is another lecture. I’m going through a similar thing, and I get lectured so much I’ve begun to not even talk to anyone about my problems… that’s why I have my blog. I’m glad you have the outlet of your blog, too. I hope you can move on soon, but it’s understandable that you can’t. I know a good margarita helps as a temporary fix. 🙂 Hugs to you…

  7. teri August 24, 2009 at 1:44 pm #

    please, girl. You’re a woman, first and foremost and we always do things like this. We always hope it will work out. We always have hope and we are always Hopeless Romantics about the people we will always care about.

    {Big Hug}

  8. Heather August 24, 2009 at 2:05 pm #

    What if it isn’t really over, though. You’re basing all of this on a feeling that he was pulling away? Maybe he was just upset about his grandmother. Of course, if you think you shouldn’t be with him anyway, it’s a moot point right.

  9. Melanie August 24, 2009 at 2:16 pm #

    Well one, I want to say, I checked the Peen Counter before I read this and was all excited. Atleast it was good sex, not some random nasty stuff.

    On the other note, I did this to myself about 4 years ago. After J and I broke up (because he was cheating on me) I actually stayed in contact with him. I drove to NC to visit him on numerous occassions, I even allowed him to come to my house with his family and spend the weekend with them. He shattered my heart and I kept going back for more.

    There will be a point when you say, that’s it. I’m done. Everyone is different.

    Your friends care about you and don’t want to see you hurt. Let them be there for you whether you agree with them or not.

  10. Red August 24, 2009 at 2:20 pm #

    This is really tough stuff. You’re a strong woman, but that still doesn’t make it fun. Hugs, indeed. I can’t imagine any of us feeling like we’re in a position to lecture you.

  11. Aaliyah August 24, 2009 at 2:21 pm #

    Am so sorry Cath. For the record, he’s an ass.

  12. Mimi August 24, 2009 at 2:41 pm #

    I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I’ve done the same thing so many times too. But at least you lived and took a chance, that’s what I always tell myself. It may have been a dumb one but we learn and grow. Look forward to kicking ass in grad school!!!

  13. South Philly Fashionista August 24, 2009 at 3:09 pm #

    Aww, sweetie. Hang in. We’ll plan another girls’ night soon. 😉

  14. Tabbie McTabaroni August 24, 2009 at 3:17 pm #

    Isn’t it odd that we can be hella genius about some things and completely dumb about others? Like we know when we immerse ourselves into a vat of water that is boiling, we will get burned. But sometimes, the excitement of hopping in is worth the trip to the ICU.

  15. Sarah August 24, 2009 at 3:25 pm #

    No lectures.

    That sucks. *big virtual hug*

  16. Kimmers August 24, 2009 at 3:29 pm #

    I did the same with Nick after we broke up when we first started out so no judgment here… and alllllllllllllll but two of my friends were so judgmental, so I understand how you’re feeling as far as that goes. When we’re in this deep we need to see for ourselves how it all pans out. And I mean, Nick and I ended up together… so it does happen, And if you didn’t give it another shot you would have always wondered what if. I’m sorry it seems that he’s started to pull back. I’m crossing my fingers that it’s all in your head or grandmother related – not that thats an excuse to just brush you off. Whatever ends up happening I’m really sorry you’re hurting right now.

  17. blythe grady August 24, 2009 at 3:37 pm #

    Gosh, I could have nearly written this myself….totally my story in so many ways. Be strong….

  18. Philly August 24, 2009 at 3:49 pm #

    As a Mom , I just want you to come over , chat , drink , hug my dog and cry on my shoulder.

    Take Care C

    #1

  19. Melissa G August 24, 2009 at 3:55 pm #

    Yeah…I could have written this myself. Right now, in this very moment. I just don’t have the balls to admit this is what I’m going through right now, too.
    I’m so sorry, Cath. Really.

  20. eslocura August 24, 2009 at 5:10 pm #

    besos y abrazos … been there, done that, it sucks.

  21. jon August 24, 2009 at 5:27 pm #

    Man, that sounds like a sad story. But putting into perspective, its not like anyone got laid or nothing. Right?

    ps; sorry CS that’s the best i can do from here to cheer you up. 😦

  22. foxy luv August 24, 2009 at 5:29 pm #

    Oh Boo. I love you. You rock. It’s all going to be ok.
    No lectures – I promise. Just hugs and jokes about how you have your own parking place at the free clinic.

  23. Bored Housewife August 24, 2009 at 7:50 pm #

    This is just like Carrie and Big. Chin up!

  24. Del-V August 24, 2009 at 10:05 pm #

    Getting hurt is part of life. The part that sucks.

  25. Jewcy Bits August 24, 2009 at 11:16 pm #

    The comments alone should let you know that you’re not the first one to open a door to an ex with the hopes that the wrongs of the past would right themselves. I’m sorry it didn’t work out and that 3D was unable to be the man you needed him to be.

    Knowing how funny, wonderful and inteligent you are and experiencing first-hand the greatness of your friendship, leads me to believe that the right one is out there.

    And I’m hoping by the time he comes around, you’ll be able to give up your “part-time job” selling wristies behind the supermarket. If not, we can always hope that he’s an understanding dude.

  26. Annabel August 25, 2009 at 6:55 am #

    i’m sorry to hear things suck right now. i know the feeling; that ‘this time around, everything is going to be better’ feeling… that ends in you falling off your happy cloud and hitting the ground hard. lets hope you get over it more quickly than i did. at least you have all of these awesome people in cyberspace who care about you and know what you’re going through! really hope you feel better soon – and if you don’t, i recommend lots of chocolate, hot tea, girl time and chick flicks.

  27. Mike August 25, 2009 at 1:31 pm #

    Nothing else to add that you already haven’t done.

  28. justatitch August 25, 2009 at 4:24 pm #

    I’m so sorry—this sucks. I hate that feeling, and have been there.

    Travel to CA for work and we’ll tear it up! xoxo

  29. Elisabeth August 25, 2009 at 11:23 pm #

    Your pain. I understand it. No lectures here.

  30. Christine Staley August 28, 2009 at 1:24 am #

    Believe it or not, there’s a total upside to what happened – now you finally know 100% for sure that it’s over. You may have had lingering questions, or doubt, that maybe just maybe it could work out if…

    Well, you got the chance to find out the ‘what if’ instead of always wondering and that’s a good thing. You have closure and can move on knowing he ain’t your lobster.

    Hang in the chica; tomorrow’s a new day, filled with endless new possibilities 🙂

  31. Dani August 31, 2009 at 8:04 pm #

    Well, I need to check my Google Reader more often. Sorry I am late to this post.

    I hope though that since I am late that you are feeling better. Don’t knock yourself up over this, as you can tell, it has happened to all of us. To some of us, more than once. I am just sorry you are in so much pain.

    Sending you a long distance hug.

    Dani

  32. Singletude: A Positive Blog for Singles September 7, 2009 at 1:44 am #

    I went back to the same guy four times. FOUR TIMES. I guess I must have some pretty slow-firing neurons because it took all that time for my brain to get the message to my heart to toughen up and keep him the hell out. So no judgment here. Sounds like you’re hard enough on yourself already.

    What I learned from my own experience was that a) it’s never just casual with an ex, and b) if an ex wants me back, he’s going to have to jump some Olympic-size hurdles to prove it to me before I give him a pass back into my life.

    I hope you heal more quickly this time knowing that he’s not the man you hoped he was.

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