Sometimes it’s nice to know that we are not alone when we’re dealing with a broken heart. So, my dear friend (you know who you are), this one’s for you.
[originally posted on August 2, 2008]
It’s 3:00 PM and I’m still in my nightgown. I managed to stop crying about an hour ago, and even talked myself into taking a shower. Not just any shower, I actually shaved my legs. And what’s the point, really, as no one will be running their hands down them anymore. Less than 24 hours of being single and already I’m hating it. Stupid green grass on the other god damned side.
Mourning the loss of any relationship is difficult, but the different phases of mourning allow you to heal much faster. Let me take a minute to describe the different stages that you’ll have to get through:
Phase 1: Sobbing Uncontrollably into the Pillow He Once Slept On While Your Dreams For Your Future Slip Through Your Fingers. This is the stage when you have to double your intake of water. After all, all the tears that you’ll have streaming down your face can be pretty dehydrating. In between sobs, it’s required that you clutch the pillow, hoping to get a whiff of his scent. During this time, you’ll also question your actions and wonder if you were just a jack ass and should take it all back. You’ll probably cry yourself to sleep, have dreams of the 2 of you being together, and then start sobbing again when you wake up with the pillow in your arms and the realization that you’re alone and your mascara has probably stained the pillow he will ever use again.
Phase 2: Getting Dressed. This is one of the hardest phases of the mourning period. It actually requires that you find a reason to let go of the pillow, and get up out of bed. I know, it sounds utterly ridiculous. You may even think that you’ve found a reason-like the house is burning down-only to realize that it’s just not worth it to leg go of the pillow and stop the tears. When you are able to finally get up, though, the actual task of getting dressed can be quite traumatic. You’ll have to figure out what to wear that won’t remind you of being with him. If you end up picking his favorite t-shirt or the panties that used to drive him wild, you’ll have terrible flashbacks and end up back in stage 1. Only this time you’ll be holding the panties and the pillow in your hands.
Phase 3: Eating the World. Typically this is the sole purpose for getting up out of bed and getting dressed. During the first stage, you may find that you have completely lost your appetite and can’t possibly think of eating. I’m here to tell you that feeling will go away. In some cases, you may be one of the lucky ones that has food in the house. In the case that you do not, your best bet is to go with some fine food from McDonald’s or KFC. The grease will help speed the healing process-it really will. When you leave your house to get your food do not forget one of the most important staples: ice cream. It doesn’t matter what flavor you get, but you’ll need to eat at least a pint at a time. And none of this no fat or reduced fat shit. You need the fat and calories to help you. Really, you do. Here’s the tricky part with this stage, you can’t let it go on forever and ever, otherwise your body will go to crap. The purpose here is just to eat your feelings and numb your pain for 24-72 hours. That’s it, no more. As soon as you’re done with this stage, you can move into the next one.
Phase 4: Abusing Your Liver. Nothing numbs the pain and stops the crying like a good stiff drink. Spend time with your boys (Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and/or Jim Bean) or pour yourself a peeptini. Just do what it takes to make you forget how happy you were when he would put his arms around you and kiss your neck and tell you he loved you and that everything was going to be okay and that you were the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. Be cautious! Too much abuse will lead you right back into Phase 1, and too many tears are bad for your skin. Being single can be painful enough, being single with too pink cheeks is even worse.
Phase 5: Beating the Dead Horse. This is the phase where you test your relationships with your friends and family. It’s at this point when you talk everything to death, including what it possibly could have meant when in week 3 he told you he thought you were beautiful and then took a sip of his water glass with his right hand instead of his left. Eventually you’ll become bored of telling the same story over and over, or else your friends will threaten to strangle you if you bring up his sweet nickname for you one more time.
As I’m in mourning for my dead in the water relationship, I feel it’s only right to enter into the next phase: eating the world. McDonald’s, and Ben & Jerry’s are all in my future. Who needs 3D when I have these fine gentlemen that can provide for me? There’s one problem with entering into this phase of mourning-it requires getting dressed, and I’m not sure that I’m ready for that step.