I’m Sure the Jury Would Acquit Me

3 Aug

I have been on the phone for over 30 minutes with the most retarded woman on the face of this earth.  I’m pretty sure that not only was she dropped as a small child, but she spent her formative years eating paste and lead chips.

For some mysterious reason, my bank decided it wanted to charge me an insufficient funds fee even though I have overdraft protection on my account.  I don’t mind wasting my money on things like drinks, rent boys, and chapstick, but there’s no way in hell I’m paying a fee just for kicks.  Fuck that noise.

So I call the bank….

40 fucking minutes ago (I’m on hold).

I explained the situation to this beyond stupid woman whose response was basically, “Der…me not understand.”  She then decided to go line by line with me over my last transactions.  Um, I can fucking read.  That’s not why I called.  So she puts me on hold, for 15 minutes.  Then she comes back to tell me that a fee was assessed.  No shit!  That’s why I fucking called!!  Explain to me why that fee was assessed.  “Der, me not know.”

She puts me back on hold and then comes back with more useless information.  At this point she might as well have been telling me that you need gasoline to make a car go or that plants die without water – that’s how unrelated the information she was giving me was.  I asked her why I couldn’t see the transactions she was seeing.  Her response?  “Because I’m looking at another screen.” 




She told me that none were available, so I told her I would wait until one was available.  10 minutes went by and Ms. Missing a Chromosome comes back on the phone to try to explain, once again, to discuss something important like chewing tinfoil is bad for your teeth or you shouldn’t stick your finger in an electrical socket.  I interrupted her and told her I wanted to speak to a supervisor. 

  • Ms. Missing a Chromosome: But there are none available.
  • Me: I will wait.
  • Ms. Missing a Chromosome: I’m trying to explain what happened.
  • Me: [very calmly] I have already told you that I want to speak with a supervisor.
  • Ms. Missing a Chromosome: I don’t see any.
  • Me: Ms. Missing a Chromosome, I have asked you nicely more than once and I have told you I will wait to speak with one.  Put a supervisor on the phone.
  • Ms. Missing a Chromosome: But I’m-
  • Me: Get me a supervisor.
  • Ms. Missing a Chromosome: I can tell you what happened.
  • Me: I want to speak with a supervisor.
  • Ms. Missing a Chromosome: FINE!  But you’ll have to wait.

3 minutes later there’s a supervisor on the phone answering my questions.  Ms. Missing a Chromosome had told her NOTHING about the last 40 minutes on the phone.  I had to go through everything all over again.  I did not yell, I was not nasty, I did not tell her that I thought that the bank’s exchange program with the Zoo’s monkey house was a bad idea.

Know what?  It was a total error on my part.  Yup, it was all my fault.

15 Responses to “I’m Sure the Jury Would Acquit Me”

  1. Hookdntx at 2:53 pm #

    well guess what, you have treats on the way for being just so “special.”

    But seriously I sent them priority mail today!

    Yay for treats!! Hurray! -CS

  2. AC Siapno at 3:20 pm #

    Oh Catherinette… That totally sucks. Blek! Was this Bank of American (or Bank of A$$holes as I call them)? They are so annoying!

    I got a cashiers check from my account there, bought a car. Um yea, they cashed it twice – when I took it and when the car dealer took it. DUH! Then I kept getting overdraft charges… Fast forward like 6 months and I finally got it straightened out.

    Honey, you couldn’t PAY me to bank with those fools. They are the absolute freaking worst and they can totally suck it.

    They’re too big for their own good. See how they screwed you over?? I have had several friends that bank with them who have traveled out of the country. When they use their cards to pay for shit, they’re always declined because BoA thinks the card has been stolen. Then they’re left screwed (and not in a good way) in a different country. -CS

    • AC Siapno at 5:17 pm #

      OMG – so funny you say that… They kept telling me that the reason for the problem was that I opened the account in Baltimore and now live in Cali. Um, Bank of AMERICAN doesn’t include Cali all of a sudden? Arg.

      I still bank with the First Financial Federal Credit Union of Maryland. And they haven’t screwed ONE thing up for me since I moved!

  3. Mimi at 3:22 pm #

    I am totally always on your side, but I could maybe understand her not wanting to get her supervisor. Besides the fact she’s retardo. One of the managers where I work refuses to help anyone and he will scream at you for asking him to do his job: interact with the guest when needed. He’s a total asshole.

    My question is why are these poorly trained assholes holding paying jobs when there are highly trained respectable persons unemployed? Okay sorry, I’m a little bitter

    I rarely ask for a supervisor. I wasn’t asking her to do anything special other than answer my questions, which she could not do, a supervisor should be able to do that. I wasn’t yelling, I wasn’t asking her to reverse the fees, I was just asking her to explain why they were charged. For someone that works there, it shouldn’t be that difficult.

    When I was on the phones, I learned that you should NEVER be nasty to a customer service agent because you’re just making things harder for yourself. I’ve very much taken that to heart. Still, I was about 2 minutes from flipping the bitch switch on this idiot.

    Lord only knows how people like this slip through the hiring process. It’s just ridiculous. You know what? I even would have been okay if she had said, “Hey, you know what? I’m not sure. Let me look into it and call you back.” That’s fine. Whatever. But she sucked. -CS

  4. BeckEye at 3:52 pm #

    Even if it’s your fault, it would be nice if one of those automatons were capable of explaining WHY it’s your fault without sounding like a condescending asshole or a 4-year-old with ADD.

    My favorite is when you call to ask that an NSF charge be removed (especially when they pull some shady shit – I am convinced that they back-date things so that your deposits and debits will cross) and they say, “Okay MA’AM (I hate being called that in the first place), we’ll removed it this one time as a COURTESY. But this is the only time. REMEMBER, this is a ONE TIME COURTESY. Only one time. ONCE. Just the ONE, then. As a COURTESY. Okay? Once. If it happens again, we won’t remove it. We’re just doing it once. AS A COURTESY. CAN YOU REMEMBER THAT? *beep bloop borp borp*”

  5. missmile at 5:48 pm #

    Hilarious!!!! I actually HOPE this “people” (usually girl voices) are just computers with predetermined answers, and THAT’S WHY they are so STUPID.

    Let me tell you what I did last time, after having an arguement similar to yours. A couple of weeks later I recieved one of those anoying calls from bank telemarketers that are trying to sell you some new buy-everything-you-want-and-pay-a-thousand-times-more-for-it credit cards. I treated her EXACTLY as they treat me when I call. I made her wait a hundred minutes, when she tried to end the call, I gave her excuses to keep waiting. I asked her the most stupid questions ever about c.cards. I had her on the phone like 20 minutes. Then I told her there was nothing I could do because I needed authorization from my husband to get a card and hung up.

    Have fun!!

  6. Dani at 6:13 pm #

    Yep, that happened me recently when I wanted to know about this “crazy, unknown charge” on my cellphone bill. Turned out I had downloaded something. Huh. Sounds familiar. Fortunately, I had not called in the supervisor chip.

    Now, with my bank? How about the cashier whom I told to take the cashier’s check from the account WITH the money in it, instead transferred money from that account to the other, wiped out the other account, didn’t tell me and we bounced two checks. Then the stupid bank email person tried to tell me I filled out the slip saying to do that. I think I saw red. After telling them I would never again go into their brick and mortar bank in my LIFE they refunded one of the charges.

    Yes, all that over $10.

  7. Bob Dobalina at 6:22 pm #

    missmile is my hero!

  8. Suze at 8:37 pm #

    Whoah…hold on there. Will something bad happen to me…I did eat paste and lead chips. Damn it!

  9. Mike at 9:31 pm #

    Don’t you just hate it when its your fault after all that.

  10. John F at 2:04 am #

    It the same the world over whether its a bank of a phone company. In Australia we have the same hassles with voice activation and clueless pleople etc. To make it worse, the call gets transferred seamlessly to an outsourced call center in India somewhere. Then the fun really starts when you start explaining to an strongly accented voice you cant understand and they cant understand you.

  11. Del-V at 7:32 am #

    I had issues this weekend with Comcast’s customer service line. It seems that I’m the first person to have a broken digital cable box in the whole fucking world. Or, at least that’s the way the customer service rep made it out to be. It’s enough to make me want to start reading books and give up on TV altogether.

  12. gullybogan at 8:03 am #

    Two words: credit. union.

  13. auishtha at 1:08 pm #

    That must’ve been exasperating. And you’re right. She’s a dumb woman. Her parents must’ve regretted giving birth to her.

  14. Heather at 4:04 pm #

    So frustrating! I had a similar experience with Citi Bank. But this woman apparently worked for no one.
    Me: Can I speak to your supervisor?
    Evil Evelyn: I am a supervisor.
    Me: Then can I speak to your boss?
    Evil Evelyn: I am a supervisor.
    Me: I understand but who do you work for? Can I speak to them?
    Evil Evelyn: I am a supervisor.
    I hung up and called back a few hours later and talked to someone else.

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