Archive | 2:20 pm

I’m Sure the Jury Would Acquit Me

3 Aug

I have been on the phone for over 30 minutes with the most retarded woman on the face of this earth.  I’m pretty sure that not only was she dropped as a small child, but she spent her formative years eating paste and lead chips.

For some mysterious reason, my bank decided it wanted to charge me an insufficient funds fee even though I have overdraft protection on my account.  I don’t mind wasting my money on things like drinks, rent boys, and chapstick, but there’s no way in hell I’m paying a fee just for kicks.  Fuck that noise.

So I call the bank….

40 fucking minutes ago (I’m on hold).

I explained the situation to this beyond stupid woman whose response was basically, “Der…me not understand.”  She then decided to go line by line with me over my last transactions.  Um, I can fucking read.  That’s not why I called.  So she puts me on hold, for 15 minutes.  Then she comes back to tell me that a fee was assessed.  No shit!  That’s why I fucking called!!  Explain to me why that fee was assessed.  “Der, me not know.”

She puts me back on hold and then comes back with more useless information.  At this point she might as well have been telling me that you need gasoline to make a car go or that plants die without water – that’s how unrelated the information she was giving me was.  I asked her why I couldn’t see the transactions she was seeing.  Her response?  “Because I’m looking at another screen.” 




She told me that none were available, so I told her I would wait until one was available.  10 minutes went by and Ms. Missing a Chromosome comes back on the phone to try to explain, once again, to discuss something important like chewing tinfoil is bad for your teeth or you shouldn’t stick your finger in an electrical socket.  I interrupted her and told her I wanted to speak to a supervisor. 

  • Ms. Missing a Chromosome: But there are none available.
  • Me: I will wait.
  • Ms. Missing a Chromosome: I’m trying to explain what happened.
  • Me: [very calmly] I have already told you that I want to speak with a supervisor.
  • Ms. Missing a Chromosome: I don’t see any.
  • Me: Ms. Missing a Chromosome, I have asked you nicely more than once and I have told you I will wait to speak with one.  Put a supervisor on the phone.
  • Ms. Missing a Chromosome: But I’m-
  • Me: Get me a supervisor.
  • Ms. Missing a Chromosome: I can tell you what happened.
  • Me: I want to speak with a supervisor.
  • Ms. Missing a Chromosome: FINE!  But you’ll have to wait.

3 minutes later there’s a supervisor on the phone answering my questions.  Ms. Missing a Chromosome had told her NOTHING about the last 40 minutes on the phone.  I had to go through everything all over again.  I did not yell, I was not nasty, I did not tell her that I thought that the bank’s exchange program with the Zoo’s monkey house was a bad idea.

Know what?  It was a total error on my part.  Yup, it was all my fault.