Archive | July, 2009

Nintendo Throws a KICK ASS Party

29 Jul

There are times when I find that I am living the dream.  I’m talking THE dream.  Sure, it’s not a naughty dream starring the likes of Hugh Grant or Hugh Jackman, but life can be pretty sweet.  Sure, it’s been almost a year since I saw the naked body of a man breathless and sweating beneath me, but whatever, sometimes life gives me lemonade instead of rancid lemons.

Take, for example, the night when I hosted a KICK ASS party.  The planets must have aligned, and everything fell right into place as I found myself being asked to host a Nintendo Girlfriends Guide to Gaming party.  Lack of peen may make me cranky, but it does NOT make me stupid.  “Hell yeah!” I told them.

I am not a gamer, I never have been, but I know an opportunity when it starts trying to kick down my door.  How could I possibly turn down a free DSi Lite AND free booze?  I can’t, that’s how.  The date was set, the invites were sent, and the outfits were picked out for a fun filled night of gaming, boozing, and whoring (the whoring was only done by JewcyBits).  I got my DSi Lite a few days early have found myself sucked in to playing Brain Age 2 every night before I go to bed.

That fateful night, my girlfriends and I found ourselves in a pimped out art gallery in Washington DC.  There was champagne, there was food, there were TONS of games, there were fancy settings, there was more champagne, and there were plenty of TWSSjokes to go around. 

We all made our way around the room to the different gaming stations.  Most everyone found themselves to be incredibly stupid when it came to Crosswords and Brain Age 2 – clearly we needed to have less booze and concentrate a little more.  Some of us had sweet rhythm when we played Rhythm Heaven, and the rest of us couldn’t find a beat if it kicked us in the head.  And don’t get me started on Mario Kart.  Some of the ladies were making so much noise I was pretty sure that we were violating some kind of noise ordinance. 

The party was seriously awesome.  And even MORE awesome was the fact that all of the 20+ ladies were given a goody bag at the end of the night.  A goody bag filled with a DSi Lite and Brain Age 2 (which is addictive as sin).  Oh, and did I mention that they also get points so they can purchase additional games online?

Did I mention the champagne?  Those dudes making the rounds had a Spidey Sense – the second you were down to your last sip, they would appear out of nowhere and refill the glass.  I had half a mind to bring them all home with me.

The night could have ended perfectly if the Cock Blocking Duo (my sister and Jewcy Bits) hadn’t harnassed their super cock blocking powers and dragged me home.  Bitches.  If only Nintendo made some virtual peen…

Why I’m Going to Kill Claude

28 Jul

In a little over 40 days, it will have been a year since I had my hands on a peen.  [Go ahead and take a moment to weep for me.]

MEANWHILE, Claude has been whoring his way through the streets of DC, Toronto, and just about anywhere else he takes his naked self.  “Meatings” in the mens room, back alleys, fancy encounters at 5 star hotels, even the local rest stops.  Claude doesn’t discriminate, if there’s a honeypot in need, he is there to the rescue!!

We often joke about resetting his peen counter.  Usually it’s about how tragic it must be for him since 3 or 4 days might pass before he is playing Winnie the Pooh climbing a tree trying to get the honey from the honeypot.  Well, that all changed today when he sent me this message:

It has been two hours since I last saw a peen or honey pot.  Just an FYI.

Damn you, Claude.  Damn you straight to honeypot hell.  I hope the next one you find is covered in ants!!

Just the Tip Tuesday (07/28/09)

28 Jul

I have lusted after him since he was in “Steel Magnolias”.  I tuned in for every single episode of “The Practice” – even after he got married to that freaking skank on the show.  God, she sucked.  Then the show ended, and I could not longer get my fix of his hot hotness.

You can imagine my delight when I started seeing the trailers for TBS’s “Dark Blue.”  There he was!  All hot and scruffy and clearly wanting me even more than he did when he was all young and proper on “The Practice”.

Oh, Dylan McDermott, why won’t you return my phone calls?


Now Hear This!

27 Jul

As it turns out, there’s a possiblity that Jewcy Bits and I will begin podcasting.  We have some thoughts as to what we might like to do. 

What would you like to hear?  Aside from the immature TWSS jokes will OBVIOUSLY be included.

Feel free to send any ideas to or leave them in the comments…

They Really Do Have Everything at Target

24 Jul

There are 46 days until that blasted peen counter hits the one year mark.  46 freaking days.  That, my friends, is a sad, sad state of affairs.  In the enter 100+ days since I last had my hands on a man’s junk, there’s only been one kiss.  And that was a horrible kiss with Smoke Stack.  It’s experiences like this that drive people to drink, throw themselves down elevator shafts, or buy cats.

There was a chance for resetting the counter over the weekend.  Sadly, I was with the cock blocking duo: my sister and Jewcy Bits.   If only those 2 of them joined forces and toured the country, they’d be able to decrease the rates of teen pregnancy just by hanging out with those kids.  There would be no one having sex.  No one.   Those whores are worse than a bunch of freaking Herpes sores.

Things have gotten so bad, that I’m thinking about taking a trip to the local Target in hopes of being molested by a random shopper.  Oh yeah, they’re offering that service too.  Did you hear about this? 

According to news reports, some random dude was asking women to try on shoes and then started rubbing up on them.  Apparently, he would walk up to women in parts of the store, tell them that he was buying a pair of shoes for his wife, and asked them to try on the shoes to see if they were comfortable.  The women, being fools, would fall for this, and then next thing you know, he’s licking their leg.

The guy hasn’t been caught yet…which means there’s still a chance for me to get my leg licked.

Off to Target!

Protected: Hats Off To You

23 Jul

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An Important Announcement That Will Change Your Life Forever

22 Jul

I have come to the conclusion that deli turkey is disgusting.  It is slimy, and gross, and I am not eating it. (TWSS)

That is all.

Please go about your business.

Stop It!

21 Jul

Kids, stop checking the counter.  It wasn’t reset.  I would tell you if something happened.