The Things that Claude has Taught Me

16 Jun

I consider myself to be “in the know”.  I like to think of myself as “cool” and “intelligent”.  I’d even venture to say that I’m “experienced”.  But then I hang out with Claude and it makes me change my mind about everything.  Apparently, I live in a bubble.

Being friends with Claude has taught me so many things.  The straight culture is so different from the gay culture, and it makes me feel like those of us that are straight are really missing out.  Some of the stories that Claude and Mary Diva have shared with me make me believe that they live in a porno movie.  Why can’t I live in a porno movie? 

Here are the top 10 lessons that Claude (along with Mary Cocoa Butter and Mary Diva) has taught me.

  1. On dating websites, always lead with the face, not with your manbits.
  2. A 3-some can easily turn into a 5-some.
  3. Always bring lube to the party.
  4. There are deep set and shallow set anuses.
  5. The term “poppers” has nothing to do with jalapenos.
  6. At “Bear” Happy Hour, one is looking for honeypots on the loose (but not loose honeypots).
  7. If you’re interested in someone, all you need to do is grab your crotch.
  8. A bathroom at the office is a perfectly acceptable place for meating meeting a friend.
  9. A top is looking for a bottom, and a bottom is looking for a top. 
  10. Vitamin BJ will cure a sore throat.
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14 Responses to “The Things that Claude has Taught Me”

  1. Kim June 16, 2009 at 2:33 pm #

    I loved this post. I also love my gays and the things I have learned. Us straight folks have definitely missed out on some things.

    We’ve missed out on a lot of things. We’re stupid for being straight. -CS

  2. Aritza, Goddess of.. June 16, 2009 at 2:35 pm #

    I’m afraid to google number 5 and the last one is definetly the funniest one ! lol

    Gay friends are a must-have for any straight single gal !

    I wouldn’t google it at work if I were you. It’s not anything gross or x-rated, but you never know what work might think. -CS

  3. polymerclaysnails June 16, 2009 at 2:43 pm #

    LMAO!!! I live in Chelsea (NYC) and am surrounded by my gay counterparts and don’t have not one single gay friend to call my own.

    The closest I come to a gay friend is my gay Hip Hop class instructor at the gym I used to belong to … I love him soo very much and haven’t seen him in over 9 months …

    Great post! Now, if you can write a guide to finding a gay friend/husband, I’d be truly appreciative …

    Signed,
    Pizza Gut (Nydia) 🙂

    Oh, Nydia. This makes me so sad. I can’t believe that you live in the hub of such a huge gay community and don’t have gay friends. You’re doing a disservice to yourself.

    I’ve asked Claude to come up with a guide to finding a gay friend. I’ll get back to you. -CS

  4. Dani June 16, 2009 at 4:22 pm #

    I learned #8 from Claude too. I will never be the same.

    Honey, none of us will be the same. -CS

  5. AC Siapno June 16, 2009 at 5:12 pm #

    I have A LOT of friends and family who are GLBTQ (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, questioning – I adore that they include questioning in there cause there is a huge number of people out there who are bicurious… anyway, I digress)

    The point is that no matter how on the “up and up” I try to be with them I’m always looking at pictures or following their twitter comments and am like – WHAT THE?!

    It makes for good (and real) reality tv 🙂

    If Mary Diva, Mary Cocoa Butter, and Claude had a show, I would NEVER EVER miss an episode. NOT EVER! -CS

  6. omega June 16, 2009 at 5:39 pm #

    That post should have came with a warning.

    See Dani’s comment below. -CS

  7. Dani June 16, 2009 at 5:40 pm #

    omega – future warning = the word “claude”. It is code for warning. Also, it is code for TMI and hilarity.

    It’s like you know Claude so well! -CS

  8. WendyB June 16, 2009 at 8:17 pm #

    Yum…now I want jalapeno poppers!

    Blech. Me no likey the jalapeno poppers. -CS

  9. Chef Green June 16, 2009 at 9:58 pm #

    Ah, I do love my people! I was just having the “you dont eat poppers…” conversation at work the other day.

    Claude and I need to hook up.

    BWAHAHAHAHA!!

    When you say “hook up” what do you mean? -CS

  10. Del-V June 17, 2009 at 6:17 am #

    Three-somes and five-somes?! It’s not that easy to get a two-some for straight people.

    Tell me about it. -CS

  11. gullybogan June 17, 2009 at 6:55 am #

    All my threesomes turn into onesomes, the moment i wake up. Am i doing it wrong?

    I can’t even get a 2-some going. You’re asking the wrong person. -CS

  12. Melrox June 17, 2009 at 7:46 am #

    My ex sister-in-law is a transgender drag queen. I love her. My ex refused to call refer to her as a woman. Whatever.

    At this time, I do not have any gay friends. I am so sad. I miss my gay friends. Where else can I dance with half naked hot men to “it’s raining men” and not have to worry about them hitting on me or being replusive?

  13. Cosmo June 18, 2009 at 7:11 am #

    I’m really looking forward to claude’s guide “how to get a gay friend in 90 seconds or less”.

    Great post & soo informative…keep them cuming.

  14. Wynn June 20, 2009 at 7:08 pm #

    I’m a little bit more sad now that I haven’t got a gay friend, than I was before. Tss.

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