Archive | 6:52 pm

A Modern Day Mystery

3 May

I’m not wearing any pants. 

The crazy thing is, that just minutes ago I was cleaning my bedroom.  Suddenly, I’m sitting on my bed not wearing any pants.

How the heck did that happen?

What a waste of a pantless evening.  There’s not even anyone around (for miles) to enjoy it.  Man, my life sucks. 

Here’s something that doesn’t suck: Jewcy’s hot friend that I met this afternoon.  He is delicious, like candy.  For some reason, Jewcy Bits had been a little bitch and she’s been keeping him all to herself.  Why?  Easy, because she is a man hording whore.  Damn you, Jewcy.  Damn you straight to hell – whatever the Jewish version of it might be.

Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure that Jewcy’s hot friend has zero interest in me.  There are several reasons for this, all which I will now cover for you.  You’re welcome:

  1. I didn’t bother to shower this morning. 
  2. Every single place I mentioned that I liked, he said he detested.
  3. I looked nothing like the waifish blonds that he was admiring.  Rather, I look like 2 of them put together. 
  4. When the guy in the booth next to me said, “Excuse me, I didn’t want to bump you,” Jewcy’s hot friend heard me say, “That’s okay, I haven’t been bumped in so long that I don’t even remember what it’s like.”

It’s times like this that I hate my life.