Archive | May, 2009

No, I Do Not Work at Hooters

29 May

My rack is on full display today.  Kind of.  While there is no cleavage showing, my shirt is doing it’s best to accentuate my full bosom.  It probably doesn’t help that there are words written on the front of the shirt, which is the excuse people give when I catch them staring.  Jack Ass accused me of wearing a Hooters shirt to work.

I’m guessing the orange shorts over nude stockings were a little too much.  Nice.  Or perhaps it’s the fact that I’m walking around with a tray in one hand and an order of chicken wings in the other.  I don’t know.

I really didn’t think there was anything wrong with my choice of attire today, until lunch time.  As I was walking around the cafeteria this afternoon, it dawned on me that several “gentlemen” were looking at my boobs when they thought I wasn’t looking.

It was quite festive really.  In fact, I think I might wear the shirt for the rest of the weekend.

No Thanks, I Don’t Smoke

28 May

Wine Festival started in Maryland a few weeks ago.  Throughout the Spring and much of the Summer, there are a variety of festivals sponsored by local vineyards.  They’re the perfect excuse to head out to some lovely outdoor location, support the local economy by purchasing wine, and then proceed to get blitzed off your face.

Jewcy Bits and I went to a festival a few weeks ago, we’ll be going to another one this Sunday.  It just so happens that she’ll be meeting Disney there.  It should be magical times, especially when Disney asks, “How did you meet?”  Man do I love making up stories for that.  Like:

  • We had the same John;
  • At the free clinic;
  • The last stall at the Bus Station; or (my favorite)
  • Your mom’s house.

(Actually, that last one won’t work because Disney’s mom is dead.)

Anyway, every year Amber and her husband host a brunch before one of the festivals.  This year is no exception.  The evite went out yesterday and I promptly accepted.  This afternoon I decided to check out who else was planning on attending their brunch.  Just below my name was the following comment, “Wouldn’t miss it for the world!”  Left by none other than Smoke Stack.

Freaking Smoke Stack, the world’s worst kisser.  Smoke Stack whom I thought I would never have to see again.  Damn it.  You know, it’s not like I spend my time dating people all over the place.  Sometimes I hate living in a small town.Why on earth do I have to bump into people I’ve dated?  Why??

Oh, well.  I will clearly have to do the only right thing for a mature woman, such as myself, to do. Bring on the booze.

Protected: I Will Punch You in Your Stupid Mouth

27 May

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The Mouth Herp

27 May

Guess who has a dirty cold sore (obviously the result of partaking in too many debauched shenanigans in the mens’ room) sprouting on their lip?

No, it’s not Foxy!  Though that would have been my first guess too.  She’s really cut her hours back at the bus station and is trying to spend more time at home with the family these days. 

It’s not Pistols who decided to get himself a life and has stopped blogging.  Oh, Pistols, he’s made me so angry that I could throw things.  I mean really, how freaking DARE HE??  Those of us without lives need to be entertained by his shenanigans.  We must all grieve.  For those of you that thought he had just shunned you and that’s why you were locked out of his blog, rest assured that he has shunned all of us and is too busy looking at online porn to write anymore.  Bastard.

No, no, my friends, it was our dear sweet and oh-so-innocent Claude that has gone and found himself a nice mouth sore for all the boys to enjoy.

Just the Tip Tuesday (05/26/09)

26 May

There is nothing that helps the grieving process like objectifying hot mens.  The second I feel my eyes begin to well up, or a lump developing in my throat, I begin searching for pics of some tasty eye candy.

I’d like to thank Gabriel Aubrey for helping me make it through the workday.

gabriel aubrey

That Halle Barry is one lucky bitch.  Could you imagine waking up next to him every morning?  Or even having him paw you with his glorious man hands?  Or perhaps just disrespecting you with his model peen?

God, he is hot.

Google Can Suck It

26 May

God f’ing damn it.  No, really.  For the freaking love!!

I managed to drag my ass out of bed this morning and make it into work after a night of about 15 minutes of sleep.  Functioning on such little sleep requires that I do as little work as possible (which doesn’t make it very different than any other day at work).  Today I decided it would be a fun idea to fool around with my Google homepage and see if there were any new applications I need.

Behold Google Latitude!  It reports where your friends are and will share your location.  I decide it’s a good idea.  It asks me to select contacts from a list.  Sweet, I think to myself, now I can secretly stalk stupid 3D to see what he’s up to.

No, no!  It’s not that easy.

You see, it sends a fucking INVITATION to their god damn email when you click on their name.  That means that 3D is starting at an email from me inviting him to share his location with me.

God.  Damn. It.

Fucking Google.

Protected: Goodbye, Old Friend

25 May

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Time Flies When You’re Getting Old

21 May

It just occurred to me that 14 years ago today I graduated from college.

Man, it seems like a lifetime ago.

I clearly remember sitting out on that football field sweating to death and wishing to God that someone had told me to take water with me.  And that someone had mentioned that sitting in the blazing sun while wearing a black robe AND having a hangover sucked dog balls.