Fish Mouth

13 Apr

You know those kisses that make your knees buckle? The ones that leave you light headed and swooning? The ones that you can feel in the pit of your stomach? That kiss that makes you just want to melt into the person you’re kissing? Kind of like this kiss? Well, the kiss I shared with Smoke Stack last night was nothing like it. In fact, I’d venture to say that it was easily the worst kissing experience I have ever had. Ever. In my 17+ years of kissing, I don’t ever recall a kiss being as suckrageous as the one we shared last night.

At first it was refreshing that he hadn’t thrust his tongue into my mouth at the word go. For the first minute or so, it wasn’t that bad. Being mouth raped on the first date is rarely a good time. Then I started wondering what the hell he was doing. It was literally 15 minutes of open mouth kissing with zero tongue. Zero. What the hell is that about? Most of the time I was wondering to myself at what point there would be some tongue, and then he’d casually lick my top lip. “Here we go,” I’d say to myself. Nope. Tongue would disappear and then it was another 3 minutes of open mouth kissing. Blech. I attempted to take matters into my own hands (so to speak), but he didn’t respond. God freaking AWFUL!

How to describe the travesty of that “kiss”…? I’ll do my best.

Okay, so you know how when you see a fish in a tank it has a tendency to just open and close it’s mouth? That was pretty much Smoke Stack’s technique. Open and close. Open and close. Open and close. Lick top lip. Open and close.

There was one point where I had to keep myself from laughing. All I could think to myself was, “I can’t fucking wait to write about this tomorrow.”

He’s a nice guy, but he’s just not for me. It’s strange going from someone with whom I had such strong chemistry to someone where there’s not even the teeniest amount of sizzle. Sure 3D was crazy and we weren’t met to be, but we definitely had a spart-from the very beginning. I clearly remember the time that he pretended like he was going to kiss me (back when I had that mouth infection and wasn’t allowed to kiss him) and I got so worked up that I had to kick him out. I remember how my heart started beating faster, how my chest and cheeks started turning red. I want that, and I’ll settle for nothing less.


16 Responses to “Fish Mouth”

  1. The Ambiguous Blob April 13, 2009 at 10:08 am #

    The fish kiss is creepy. Ewwww.

    It’s creepy and sad, all wrapped up into a terrible taco that I never want to eat. -CS

  2. Del-V April 13, 2009 at 10:46 am #

    Sounds like the mouth equivalent of the dead-fish handshake.

    Very good way to describe it. -CS

  3. Srg April 13, 2009 at 10:47 am #

    From your description it sounded like he was doing lip aerobics, not kissing! It’s obvious this dude has no idea what the hell he’s doing.

    I don’t know what the hell he was doing, I just know it was pretty bad. -CS

  4. Chef Green April 13, 2009 at 11:04 am #

    Suckrageous indeed! I’m sorry, CS–I had such high hopes for your Easter date. I’m going to be forced to purchase you a man whore, I just know it.

    Yeah, you’re totally going to have to, and the sooner the better. -CS

  5. Red April 13, 2009 at 11:31 am #

    You just wonder, how has someone gotten to this age and not learned better? Do they REALLY think that this is how to get it done?

    Lord only knows. I’m sure there’s a girl out there somewhere that would love to kiss the dude, it’s just not me. -CS

  6. Jane Wonder April 13, 2009 at 12:24 pm #

    Are terrible tacos related to tragic sundaes? Inquiring minds want to know!

    They’re directly related, only not quite as appalling as the tragic sundaes! Nothing is as tragic as the tragic sundae. 🙂 -CS

  7. The Alleged Ringleader April 13, 2009 at 1:29 pm #

    That is SUCH a turnoff! Bad kissing is so terrible!!

    Total deal breaker as far as I’m concerned. -CS

  8. Kimizzy April 13, 2009 at 1:54 pm #

    I love it that I’m not alone in the world of saying “I don’t do that on the first date” and then doing it.

    Congrats on your win at Popeye. 🙂

    Shh, you’re not supposed to call me out for that. -CS

  9. justatitch April 13, 2009 at 1:56 pm #

    I love that you said you were just wanting it to be over so you could write about it…hahahaha. I kissed a guy who was like this once, and it was so awful. UGH. Nothing is more disappointing.

    Hey, I had to look on the brightside, right? -CS

  10. erica April 13, 2009 at 2:12 pm #

    Ugh, that’s awful. Maybe he was trying to imitate Bret?

    I once went out on a date with a guy who kissed like a dead fish. It was awful. And then, when I tried to get us moving along (we were taking a walk along the Charles, and we’d stopped at a bench to talk), he told me I had to give him a minute because he had, “a huge boner.” Yes, those were his exact words. Yes, I was utterly grossed out. No one over the age of 12 should ever use the word boner unless they are referring to the Growing Pains character.

    Ahahahaha!! I can’t believe he told you he had a boner! That’s hilarious! -CS

  11. theblacktulip April 13, 2009 at 2:50 pm #

    that sounds just….bad.

    I kissed a guy that did that…but he also applied too much pressure so my lips were bruised for like a week…I don’t see how guys can be such horrible kissers…it makes me feel bad/wonder about the girls before me…did they really accept this shit?

    “NEXT” is def the appropriate response to that.

    Those dudes can just move it right along. -CS

  12. k April 13, 2009 at 6:22 pm #

    Maybe you should just turn to tacos altogether…

    Tacos can never do you wrong. -CS

  13. Dani April 13, 2009 at 6:56 pm #

    WTF? I keep trying to picture it and I can’t. Maybe I should be thankful. Definitely a next on that one. Yikes.

    Thank your lucky stars that you can’t figure it out. 🙂 -CS

  14. David April 13, 2009 at 7:51 pm #

    There is simply no excuse for poor kissing.

    What a dud that guy is.

    Poor f’ing bastard. -CS

  15. Wendy April 15, 2009 at 2:05 pm #

    Oh, ick! That’s probably the only thing that tops robo-kissing (~~~~~~~~).

    The kiss is so key. Poor kid.

  16. cocktailsattiffanys December 21, 2010 at 2:08 pm #

    Aww man! I think I’m just as disappointed as you are 😦


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