Archive | April, 2009

Daisy Chain

29 Apr

Why can’t you win a Pulitzer Prize for smutty television?  Seriously, VH-1 totally deserves an award.  How could anyone beat them with quality programming like “Rock of Love: Bus”, “For the Love of Money”, and most recently, “Daisy of Love.”

People, please tell me that you caught the trainwreck premiere of “Daisy of Love.”  And riddle me this: what the hell did she do to her top lip to make it not move?  And was it on purpose?

As the intelligent and sophisticated individuals that we are, Claude and I were enjoying a little email exchange on our thoughts on the program.  Most of the guys are f’ing tool bags (as you would have to be to be on a VH-1 show), but there are a couple that are doable-assuming that you get all your shots ahead of time.

This was Claude’s assessment on the hillbilly redneck, Big Rig: “sort of rough neck sexy, like force you against a wall in a dark alley, spit on it and shove it in kinda sexy. “

Claude, you disgust me.

Talk to me about 6 Gauge’s Prince Albert, and it’s a totally different story.  Man, is he foxy in a dirty, dirty way.  In that dirty way where you would totally do him and then take it to your grave because you would feel so ashamed afterwards.  Kind of like when your girlfriends used to grope you in the closet during slumber parties.  Not that I ever did that. 

As far as you know.

1 More Month And There Could Have Been A Baby

28 Apr

We’re just a few days away from that stupid peen counter hitting 8 months.  8 long and drawn out months with nothing but a guppy fish kiss to speak of.  Man, does my life suck (but not dick as the peen counter will tell you).  Frankly, I don’t think I’d know what to do with a peen if one should fall into my open hands (or mouth).  I’d probably just poke at it with my finger, kind of like I used to do with worms when I was a little girl.

Said state of affairs.

A few weeks ago, I recieved an email about this new website called Single Edition.  You guessed it, it’s for singles, just like moi.  The site’s actually pretty cool.  Not only can I find out about all of the financial benefits of being single, but I can also find sex toys if I want them.  Hurrah!

F those dating sites.  Who needs them when I have Single Edition?  Not I!

Just the Tip Tuesday (04/28/09)

28 Apr

After a brief hiatus (caused by laziness), JTT is back.

Let’s start with a question: when did this happen to me? 

When did I become that person that listens to podcasts of NPR shows at work?

When did I turn into one of those women that likes dorky smart guys? 

All my life I imagined that I would love those shallow tools that drove yellowish Mustangs.  But something seems to have happened over the last few years, something that has made me want more than a hot body (and someone that drones on and on and on about feelings).

It’s official: I have developed a crush on Ira Glass from This American Life.

ira-glass

What the hell is it about this guy?  He’s not even that hot.  Nor is his voice the sexiest in the world.  Yet if he offered, I’m pretty sure that I would not resist.  Perhaps this has more to do with the fact that the peen counter is getting closer and close to the year mark.

SOMEONE SAVE ME!

The Sky is Falling! The Sky is Falling!!

28 Apr

We’re in the midst of a global recession.

People are losing their jobs, their homes, their savings.

Swine Flu is making it’s way around the world and people are dying.

An earthquake rocked Mexico City, the epicenter of swine flu.

You’d think that in the middle of all of this, CNN might decide to report on something a little more important than this:

news

Really?  We care about chihuahuas being tossed into the woods?  Or people cutting their hair for charity?  Or cows being saved during floods?

What’s next?  Maybe we’ll get un update on Paris Hilton’s love life.

 

I May Be A Pig, But Swine Flu Is Not My Fault

27 Apr

Unless you live in cave or a hole in the ground, you’ve heard about the Swine Flu which seems to be spreading like wildfire (or like Foxy’s legs at the bus station during high season).  As of the time of this posting 149 people have died in Mexico.

No, I am not related to any of them.  In fact I don’t know any of them.

No, I don’t have the flu.

Stop blaming me and my cousins for the spreading of the virus.

Boom Boom and I had a wonderful email exchange all about the horrors of this terrible flu.  She was very supportive and not racist or discriminatory in any way what so ever.

  • Boom Boom: Can you tell “your people” to stop spreading this crazy bird flu to Americans?  One of my friends at work needs to cancel her honeymoon in the Riviera Maya this weekend because of it.
  • Me: We’re angry and we demand attention.  I just went over to Foxy’s cubicle and coughed all over her stuff.  Sucks to be your friend, but not as much as it sucks to be those dead people.
  • BB: Why are you so angry?  You have jobs…like cooking and cleaning and doing people’s lawns.  Stop coughing all over people’s stuff.  Foxy has to be worried enough about getting sick from her “night job” without having to worry about your me-he-can flu too.
  • Me: Have you ever seen how dirty those hotel bathrooms are?  You people are pigs!
  • BB: I always try to pick up my dirty towels instead of just leaving them on the floor of my bathroom.  Don’t look at me…

Protected: Mother Nature is a Bitch

27 Apr

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Putting the “Ass” in “Harass”

24 Apr

I’m totally being sexually harassed at work right now.

It’s SO awesome!

Nothing Says “I Love You” Like a Roast Beef Sandwich

23 Apr

No doubt that you’ve noticed that it’s been a shitty week here at my place of work.  Those of us left behind are still dragging our asses in here and doing our best to look very busy and important – some of us do it with finesse and style.  Others (Foxy) look like a train wreck and have smeared lipstick from an early shift at the bus station men’s room.

Although Foxy spends her nights selling her wares at the bus station, she and her husband still find time to get romantic with one another.  After all of these years together, it’s clear that Cheeto Boy sill loves his little angel.  He loves her so much, in fact that he called her up this morning to tell her he wanted to take her on a lunch date today.

At Arby’s.

Klassy.